Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. —Henry Fielding

01 October 2014

Short Conversations about A Clash of Kings (Book 2)


SPOILERS FOR BOOK TWO OF A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE BELOW. 

Me: Why does GRRM insist on describing meals and outfits constantly? These are the two things I don't understand. And all the meals are the same anyway: pork roasted with leeks and herbs, wine sweetened with honey, black bread, and honey cakes.
Catie: Um, have you seen the size of him?
Me: Oh my god. Excellent point. But he needs to hire a chef to help him change up the menus a little bit.
Catie: He dresses like he lives in Game of Thrones. He loves being Robert Baratheon.
Me: They only ever eat winter vegetables. But it has been summer for like twenty years!
Catie: So true!
Me: Like, no one has seen a zucchini.
Catie: Or a nice avocado.
Me: Exactly. No one grows tomatoes. Though it is perma-summer.
Catie: And they dress like it's winter, as well.
Me: Well they are all naked a lot.
Catie: I'm wondering if his last book and last sentence will say Winter has come and that's it. We've just been leading up to snow.
Me: The Starks will have been right all along.
Catie: Hahahaha. Fuckin' Starks.
Me: Ugh. May they all perish.
Catie: Except Arya???
Me: Right. I like Arya. Although she just did something asinine. She got captured by the Mountain because she trusted this idiot Hotpie.
Catie: Hotpie. I forgot about him!
Me: Easy to do. I assume I will too. He will be killed in the next chapter.

Tom: Where are you in Westeros now?
Me: I am wishing I could move faster. The audiobook isn't very fast when I'm only going to and from the grocery.
Tom: You know, you could, like… read it...

Me: Lady Catelyn has gone as an envoy to King Renly. I am glad. Even if I have to put up with Catelyn's constant boo-hooing, it is worth it to hang out with Renly for a while. I've never hoped we'd go back to Catelyn before but like what is happening with Renly.
Catie: Does he make you miss the Starks?
Me: No. Fuck a Stark. But, like, GRRM only cares about Arya and Tyrion and fucking Daenerys (and who the fuck cares about her right now?) and I want to know what Renly is doing!

Me: Renly??! No. I can't. I am so sad/mad/upset!!
Catie: I've been waiting for this text. I knowwwww.
Me: I hate everything. There are two motherfucking gay characters and he has to go and kill one.
Catie: Best reaction. Shall we go into mourning?
Me: Seriously. So mad. I had been looking forward to hanging out with him for the whole fucking book. And GRRM cuts his throat with a fucking fake shadow dark magic sword from his racist version of a mysterious orientalist east.
Catie: Hahahahahaha. Oh my god. That's it.
Me: Maybe next the evil red bitch Melisandre can put some five spice powder in her stir fry. Almond eyes. Fuck. Can he think of any other way to describe Asian people. I am so mad. There better be another gay character soon or I'm out.
Catie: Melisandre annoys the shit out of me. That fucking birthing a weird ghost Stannis baby. I can't imagine.
Me: But then the rest of these assholes. Catelyn is like, you know what we ought to do? Pray. Yep. That'll help. Only Tyrion is like: Hmmm. I think I'm going to hatch a fucking plan. Catelyn is like Plans? Why do we need plans? We have honor! Just like her husband. Someone oughtta cut her throat too. I'm going to bed. I'm going to cry and pray that GRRM can think of another character with cool outfits like Renly's. You know he loves to describe an outfit. (And a meal.)
Catie: Catelyn is just straight dumb. Worst representation.
Me: Literally everything she says I just think cheer up!
Catie: She invented Debbie Downer. And she doesn't shut up.
Me: I can see why people get onto Team Lannister. Go fucking do something.
Catie: I just want Tyrion and Varys to take over everything.

Me: Sometimes I actually think I'm only reading this book for the gods. For an atheist, I sort of love the idea of deities.
Tom: Haha. They mostly bore me
Me: Gods bore me in real life. But if they actually have magic powers, I'm in. Like the Greek ones.
Tom: I like R'hllor
Me: I have no idea what you just said, but it looks abominable.
Tom: The lord of light. That's how you spell his name
Me: It is spelled like that? That's horrific. Yet another instance of GRRM racism? Is he supposed to be from the East? The mysterious oriental east?
Tom: Hahaha. I don't think he's given a geographic origin.
Me: Bullshit. That Melisandre woman was chanting in the language of Asshai.
Tom: Oh right, she is from the east
Me: Nailed it. This shit is so racist.

Me: I'm on Theon II. He's flirting with the wife of the man who built his ship.
Tom: Ok.
Me: No idea what's happened in Pyke since I was there last though. GRRM hasn't gotten around to that. He's busy talking about Theon's "iron" "mast".
Tom: Well it is his defining characteristic
Me: I like him. I like sons who don't get on with their fathers.

Me: The reason the Bran storyline is so fucking stupid is that he only sees future scenarios that we already know about.
Catie: He's just a recap.
Me: Boring ass Starks.

Me: The mother of dragons needs to give birth again. This time to a plot twist. I'm 60% through this book and she can't do anything except roast a bit of meat to feed the little guys.
Catie: She's so slow in that. Actually most of her stuff is slow and redundant except for a few boom moments. I mean, come to Westeros already.

Me: I hate Catelyn so much. I liked her for five minutes at the Twins when she talked to Lord Fray. But now. Fuck her.
Dayne: This is when a judging emoticon would be useful.
Me: In the books, though: she is such a whiner. She just cries and there's no plot advancement. Boo hoo hoo hoo, bitch. This woman has not enjoyed a single day of her time in the entirety of this series. I can't wait for her to die.
Jeanne: How are we friends? Stark-hater.
Tom: Would you enjoy her life? If it makes you feel better, pretty much everyone hates Cat. Which makes me sad because I love her.
Me: You two go ahead and love her. And I will hate away. 

Me: Melisandre gave birth to Stannis's shadow baby and it was great.
Catie: False. It was fucking random.
Me: I loved it.
Catie: I had to reread it. I was like whaaat? And then got turned on. She is badass but if she says "Lord of Light" one more time I will light her on fire.
Me: True. But she is fucking pure evil. And that is interesting.
Catie: Especially when you have the Starks prancing around.
Me: What did you say? I fell asleep for a second.
Catie: Hahaha. I said HOOOODOOOOR.
Me: Twice today I sighed deeply and said "oh dear" and then much louder I said "HOOODOOR."

Me: There is so much magic in Book 2. I like it. Dany just escaped from the house of the undying.
Tom: I was literally about to ask if you'd been to the house of the undying yet.
Me: It was so cool! I feel like that is the chapter you need to revisit. He probably hid lots of secrets in there. But also Jaqen H'ghar!
Tom: I just reread House yesterday I think. And of Jaqen, you're just at his intro now, right?
Me: Oh no. He has already disappeared like the wind. After being amazing and killing people
Tom: Ahhhh. Valar morghulis
Me: Whatever that shit means.
Tom: It will be translated for you
Me: Aside from the fact that it obviously means something having to do with magic and death.
Tom: Yes. I can tell you what it means. It's not a huge shocker.
Me: Haha. Yes. Do.
Tom: "All men must die."
Me: But see. Here's the thing. What is dead may never die, as the Greyjoys remind us.
Catie: The drowned god! Yes.

Me: Jaqen H'ghar is my shit.
Catie: He is awesome. And hot.
Me: Phrase most often written in this book: "Blah blah blah, said Catelyn gravely."
Catie: Gravely. Hahahaha. Every. Thing. Is. So. Dire.
Me: Seriously. Catelyn is always weeping. When she was alone with Ned's bones I thought I was going to explode with rage.
Catie: Someone would give her a million dollars and she would just be so sad about it.
Me: She was wealthy beyond measure, but she couldn't help her thoughts turning to the sadness in her heart. Gold and jewels only appeared cold and unfeeling to her. They wouldn't bring her Ned back. And they wouldn't bring her closer to her children.
Catie: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe if you had a better attitude all your children wouldn't be so fucked up and living a million miles away from you.
Me: Exactly. Also, you never should've left Winterfell. And never have let Tyrion get away.
Catie: I'd go to war to get away from her.
Me: Hopefully she'll die soon.
Catie: Fingers crossed.
Me: I'll pray to the seven about it.

Me: I really like Sansa in this book. Almost finished with Number 2.
Jeanne: Wow! You're killing it! She's definitely better in the books. ... I do think it's funny you like the one Stark who I don't like. It took me forever to get through the first half of that book.
Me: The first half of that book nothing happens. It is awful. Nothing is still happening, frankly, but I have hopes for the last fifth.
Jeanne: Hang in there. It gets awesome.

Tom: You're heading to the big climax.
Me: Yes of course. Cliffhangers and whatnot. Fucking Stannis is going to attack King's Landing. But what gets me is that the books are totally ignoring Robb Stark - or have been for ages. Not that I care about Robb. He is boring. But, like, Tywin and Robb are fighting and fighting the whole book and there are no eyes on them.
Tom: Yeah but it's the war of five kings. With five kings, you lose track of one or two for a while.
Me: I counted 7. Kings, I mean.
Tom: Well, 6 and a queen.
Me: Yeah.
Tom: Joffrey, Stannis, Renly, Robb, Balon, Mance, Dany.
Me: Can't leave out the king beyond the wall.

Me: So after the battle of Blackwater. The guy reading my audiobook goes: “Daenerys”. And I yelled curses at the CD player for the next five minutes straight.
Tom: Haha.
Me: I don't wanna hear about her. I wanna know what happened.
Tom: Hahahahahaha.
Me: Loras was wearing Renly's armor I take it. Romantic. And stolen wholesale from the Iliad. I am so close to being done with this book.
Tom: And then onto Book 3! My favorite of them all.
Me: …And hopefully some new characters. But right now GRRM is literally introducing us to a million Frays who are hanging out at Harrenhal with whatshisname with the leeches. Like: hello! Wrap it up! I'm meeting new characters?? That fucking sadist.
Tom: Setting up Book 3.
Me: Right.
Tom: Blackwater is the climax, time to have falling action
Me: And I suppose the book will end with Bran telling us where the fuck he's hiding himself. HOOOOODOOOOOR.

Me: Poor Theon. Everybody hates that motherfucker.
Dayne: Bahaha. I'm part of that club as well. 
Catie: Not a damn friend in the world. I want Varys to employ him.
Me: It makes me like him. Haha.
Dayne: Of course.

Dayne: You finished book 2!
Me: I did. Cliffhanger city.
Dayne: I'll have to call and hear about it.
Me: You've heard all there is to hear. But I will say one thing. Jon Snow is no Stark. He abandoned his honor for the good of the realm. What a good guy.
Dayne: Doing what?
Me: Going over to the wildlings.
Dayne: Ah.
Me: Lord Eddard could never have done that. Ever.
Dayne: Daenerys' boring stuff is finally over. 
Me: Thank the lord. Maybe Bran can become interesting finally too. And maybe Catelyn will die soon. Plus: new point of view characters!! I am hoping for Jaime this time. Or Loras. And I hope Davos is still alive.
Dayne: Book 3 is good.
Me: Good! I am excited for it