I'm not sure how much of this - if any of it - is funny, but we had a good time. A kind of double live-blog of Roland Emmerich's latest film:
Aaron: The ultimate expressions of humanity in the English language?
Julie: Our shakespeare. Our.
Aaron: This opening is stolen from Branagh's Henry V.
Julie: This art direction is stolen from Man in the Iron Mask circa 1998.
Aaron: Hahahahaha.
Julie: Well, naturally. Shakespeare stole everything, so that is fitting.
Julie: If I was in the audience, I'd be asking for my money back.
Aaron: Miss Jacobi is acting!
Julie: With a capital A.
Aaron: I suppose this is how The Globe burned down...
Aaron: Yep.
Julie: Ahahahahahahahaha.
Julie: We're only 7 minutes in and it already doesn't make sense.Aaron: And it's jumped times twice.
Julie: I'm not sure if the drinking will help or hinder us.
Aaron: Hinder. Definitely.
Julie: Oh well. Absolutely necessary.
Julie: Is his hair crimped?
Aaron: Haha. I hope so.
Aaron: I love this guy's hair.
Julie: He could be in an 80s hair-band.
Aaron: Everything is brown in this film.
Julie: "Earth tones," A-ron. Earth tones.
Aaron: Sepia, methinks.
Aaron: Oh thank Jesus, some color.
Julie: Haha.
Aaron: Vanessa!!!! Love her.
Julie: Is she a butterfly?
Aaron: A walking Christmas Tree, I believe one historian called her.
Julie: Did men wear blue eyeshadow back in the day?
Aaron: And today.
Julie: True.
Julie: More time changes!
Aaron: What the hell?
Julie: When are we??
Aaron: The 1570s???
Julie: Is this baby Willy?
Aaron: Baby Edward De Vere, naturally.
Julie: Shit. I'm already drunk.
Aaron: Back to 1602?
Aaron: Actually I can't tell when this is supposed to be.
Julie: I have no idea either
Aaron: Cobblers are artists. How dare they! Ask Jimmy Choo.
Julie: HAHAHA!
Aaron: But why does he look so bored?
Julie: Rhys? Because he IS boring?
Aaron: These outdoor shots are terribly fake-looking.
Julie: Yeah, it's pretty terrible
Aaron: I need more rum. What is this scene of villainy in one-dimension.
Aaron: Time shift. Yet again!
Julie: No beauty! No art! Tyrant!
Aaron: Hahaha.Aaron: This ugly little twerp! The film hates him.
Aaron: This Shakespeare actor is hot.
Aaron: I'm into it.
Julie: That's the rum talking
Aaron: This makeup is good! I think that's David Thewlis under all that old age.
Julie: Again, the rum.
Aaron: Hahaha.
Julie: Do I know him?
Julie: (You're right. IMDb)
Aaron: Lupin.
Aaron: "My poems are my soul"?
Aaron: Such clichés.
Julie: I've stopped listening. Just looking at the pretty boys. Time for more beer.
Aaron: Mozart's Requiem during the wedding?
Aaron: Stolen from Shekhar Kapur's Elizabeth. This movie is all copies of other things.
Julie: Did you expect something else?
Aaron: I expected it to be a little more subtle. But I am a fool. It's Roland Emmerich.
Julie: I mean, the screenwriter wrote Legend of the Guardians. That owl movie.
Aaron: Hahaha.
Aaron: The Shakespearean acting is so bad!
Julie: I like the white sparkly outfit though.
Aaron: Ooo me too. Good call.
Aaron: More fake exterior shots!
Julie: His hair is scaring me.
Aaron: I'm having a feeling. Henry V is good!
Julie: Feelings! Those are not allowed here.
Aaron: i.e. rum.
Julie: HAHA
Aaron: Vidal Sassoon is back.
Julie: Hahahahahahahahahaha
Julie: That crimped hair! It kills me. Actually, it's like tiny spiral curls. I'm so intrigued.
Julie: Uh oh. Rhys is confused/angry?
Aaron: I love it.
Aaron: This is so fucking bad.
Julie: Ooooo angry.
Aaron: "Voice you have no voice."
Aaron: Ben Jonson? Seriously? He's a wonderful writer.
Julie: What is that top?
Aaron: Chanel.
Julie: Tim Burton?
Aaron: Yes. That's perfect. Burton.
Julie: "You're... Writing again!"
Aaron: You're listening again! Haha.
Aaron: "The voices I can't stop them!"
Julie: The voices! They're speaking to him!
Julie: Don't you wish Spielberg's goose would come out right about now? I need some comic relief.
Aaron: It was a duck.
Julie: Goose.
Aaron: Who's this chick?
Julie: Hahaha. I have no idea.
Aaron: Fake exterior shot #465
Julie: Haha. Glad you're keeping count for us.
Julie: Why are we arresting them again?
Aaron: They had sex, I think.
Aaron: Little boy is adorbs.
Julie: He has some nicely wind-swept hair.
Aaron: Indeed.
Aaron: This is way more confusing than Tinker Tailor.
Julie: Yes, but only because it's unintentional. This should not be a difficult story to follow. What was Roland smoking?
Aaron: These exteriors kill me.
Aaron: Who is Vidal Sassoon?
Julie: Hahahahahaha
Aaron: Is that his kid? Or is the other one his kid?
Aaron: Or both?
Julie: I don't know, but Rhys seems to know him
Aaron: They're both his sons, I think.
Julie: Words. Words.
Julie: Bastards? Who is he married to?
Aaron: The sister of the twerp who is now advising QEI.
Julie: OMG. So confused.
Julie: What. Is. She. wearing.
Julie: Have we been in the Rose yet? Or does Roland think the only theater in London was the Globe.
Julie: Ooo that art direction.
Aaron: Fucking fake exteriors.
Aaron: Where's John Fletcher?
Julie: Who?
Aaron: Who!?!?!
Julie: I was being ironic. Calm the fuck down, A-ron. Hahaha.
Aaron: Haha.
Aaron: Love Will's costume!
Aaron: Well QEI's costume is insanely weird.
Julie: Why are we rioting?
Julie: What the hell is going on?
Aaron: Words, Julie. Words.
Julie: Ha.
Aaron: This is such nonsense.
Julie: OMG these deaths are amazing. Play the melodrama, girl!
Julie: That head piece!
Aaron: I liked it.
Julie: Of course you did.
Aaron: I love a headpiece.
Aaron: She's like a 17th century Cher.
Julie: LOL
Julie: Is this exposition?
Aaron: No: act three monologues.
Julie: Emote!
Aaron: Why is he crying?
Aaron: The hunchback, I mean.
Julie: That was his moment! Let him have it!
Julie: Snow!
Julie: Nice fur.
Aaron: The first pretty exterior in the film.
Aaron: And then we're back to fake ones. That lake!
Julie: Truth.
Aaron: Thank god that wife of his explained this plot sequence because I was confused.
Julie: Those are some intense sleeves.
Aaron: They're like a duvet!
Julie: How is that old man still alive?
Aaron: Yeah. Hello continuity.Aaron: He died!
Julie: Oh dear. That was dramatic.
Aaron: That was good. I liked that bit of writing.
Julie: That is the rum.
Aaron: Is Derek Jacobi gonna come back, too?
Julie: I hope so. Him and Mark Rylance. They'll do an epilogue.
Aaron: Tenors are singing. Should I be having a feeling?
Julie: Of disgust?
Aaron: They made King James I into a big old queen. (At least that's historically accurate)
Julie: Obvi Roland likes his queens.
Julie: Is that Mark?
Aaron: Yes!
Julie: In the white costume we like.
Julie: Yay!
Aaron: Yay!
OMG, I couldn't stop laughing all over again! Why has no one commented on this yet? We are genius. Though you did emit my brills comment about the invention of God.
ReplyDeleteWe need to do this for one ridiculous Oscar nominee every year. Too. Much. Fun.
Oh no! You're right. That whole sequence is part of what Blackberry lost...
DeleteAlso, thank you for proofing and dramaturging the shit out of my commentary(ie my erroneous comment that the masterpiece MAN IN THE IRON MASK was made in 1999.)
ReplyDeleteCan you also proof my comments for me? Because I just wrote "emit" above. OYYY.
I knew you guys had done this, had to read it after I watched the movie. My boyfriend asked "aside from the historical inaccuracies is it any good?" and at first I said "I can't even tell I'm too busy yelling at the tv" but it feels better reading your comments.
ReplyDelete:)
--Jennifer (sassaman)
ps. I'm so glad I get to comment on this AS "anonymous"
I remember reading this when you guys first watching the movie, but didn't get around to watching it until this morning. I wanted to see if the complaints held up, and what the big deal was. Funny thing was, the biggest problem I had with the movie wasn't the CGI (which was bad), or the authorship theories (which I knew they were stretching for since this was a movie), but that they kept jumping around in time so much that I was too busy trying to figure out what year it was too pay too much attention to the story. It was an ok movie that at least gets people thinking about Shakespeare a little more, but the movie didn't seem too excited with it's theory and I didn't feel the need too either.
ReplyDelete