So tonight my friend Julie and I watched Anonymous together. She's in New York and I'm in Florida, but we synchronized our watches so that we could text-message each other through the movie and make the whole thing more bearable. And, I have to say, it worked.
I'm not sure how much of this - if any of it - is funny, but we had a good time. A kind of double live-blog of Roland Emmerich's latest film:
Aaron: The ultimate expressions of humanity in the English language?
Julie: Our shakespeare. Our.
Aaron: This opening is stolen from Branagh's Henry V.
Julie: This art direction is stolen from Man in the Iron Mask circa 1998.
Julie: Well, naturally. Shakespeare stole everything, so that is fitting.
Julie: If I was in the audience, I'd be asking for my money back.
Aaron: Miss Jacobi is acting!
Julie: With a capital A.
Aaron: I suppose this is how The Globe burned down...
Julie: We're only 7 minutes in and it already doesn't make sense.
Aaron: And it's jumped times twice.
Julie: I'm not sure if the drinking will help or hinder us.
Aaron: Hinder. Definitely.
Julie: Oh well. Absolutely necessary.
Julie: Is his hair crimped?
Aaron: Haha. I hope so.
Aaron: I love this guy's hair.
Julie: He could be in an 80s hair-band.
Aaron: Everything is brown in this film.
Julie: "Earth tones," A-ron. Earth tones.
Aaron: Sepia, methinks.
Aaron: Oh thank Jesus, some color.
Aaron: Vanessa!!!! Love her.
Julie: Is she a butterfly?
Aaron: A walking Christmas Tree, I believe one historian called her.
Julie: Did men wear blue eyeshadow back in the day?
Aaron: And today.
Julie: More time changes!
Aaron: What the hell?
Julie: When are we??
Aaron: The 1570s???
Julie: Is this baby Willy?
Aaron: Baby Edward De Vere, naturally.
Julie: Shit. I'm already drunk.
Aaron: Back to 1602?
Aaron: Actually I can't tell when this is supposed to be.
Julie: I have no idea either
Aaron: Cobblers are artists. How dare they! Ask Jimmy Choo.
Aaron: But why does he look so bored?
Julie: Rhys? Because he IS boring?
Aaron: These outdoor shots are terribly fake-looking.
Julie: Yeah, it's pretty terrible
Aaron: I need more rum. What is this scene of villainy in one-dimension.
Aaron: Time shift. Yet again!
Julie: No beauty! No art! Tyrant!
Aaron: This ugly little twerp! The film hates him.
Aaron: This Shakespeare actor is hot.
Aaron: I'm into it.
Julie: That's the rum talking
Aaron: This makeup is good! I think that's David Thewlis under all that old age.
Julie: Again, the rum.
Julie: Do I know him?
Julie: (You're right. IMDb)
Aaron: "My poems are my soul"?
Aaron: Such clichés.
Julie: I've stopped listening. Just looking at the pretty boys. Time for more beer.
Aaron: Mozart's Requiem during the wedding?
Aaron: Stolen from Shekhar Kapur's Elizabeth. This movie is all copies of other things.
Julie: Did you expect something else?
Aaron: I expected it to be a little more subtle. But I am a fool. It's Roland Emmerich.
Julie: I mean, the screenwriter wrote Legend of the Guardians. That owl movie.
Aaron: The Shakespearean acting is so bad!
Julie: I like the white sparkly outfit though.
Aaron: Ooo me too. Good call.
Aaron: More fake exterior shots!
Julie: His hair is scaring me.
Aaron: I'm having a feeling. Henry V is good!
Julie: Feelings! Those are not allowed here.
Aaron: i.e. rum.
Aaron: Vidal Sassoon is back.
Julie: That crimped hair! It kills me. Actually, it's like tiny spiral curls. I'm so intrigued.
Julie: Uh oh. Rhys is confused/angry?
Aaron: I love it.
Aaron: This is so fucking bad.
Julie: Ooooo angry.
Aaron: "Voice you have no voice."
Aaron: Ben Jonson? Seriously? He's a wonderful writer.
Julie: What is that top?
Julie: Tim Burton?
Aaron: Yes. That's perfect. Burton.
Julie: "You're... Writing again!"
Aaron: You're listening again! Haha.
Aaron: "The voices I can't stop them!"
Julie: The voices! They're speaking to him!
Julie: Don't you wish Spielberg's goose would come out right about now? I need some comic relief.
Aaron: It was a duck.
Aaron: Who's this chick?
Julie: Hahaha. I have no idea.
Aaron: Fake exterior shot #465
Julie: Haha. Glad you're keeping count for us.
Julie: Why are we arresting them again?
Aaron: They had sex, I think.
Aaron: Little boy is adorbs.
Julie: He has some nicely wind-swept hair.
Aaron: This is way more confusing than Tinker Tailor.
Julie: Yes, but only because it's unintentional. This should not be a difficult story to follow. What was Roland smoking?
Aaron: These exteriors kill me.
Aaron: Who is Vidal Sassoon?
Aaron: Is that his kid? Or is the other one his kid?
Aaron: Or both?
Julie: I don't know, but Rhys seems to know him
Aaron: They're both his sons, I think.
Julie: Words. Words.
Julie: Bastards? Who is he married to?
Aaron: The sister of the twerp who is now advising QEI.
Julie: OMG. So confused.
Julie: What. Is. She. wearing.
Julie: Have we been in the Rose yet? Or does Roland think the only theater in London was the Globe.
Julie: Ooo that art direction.
Aaron: Fucking fake exteriors.
Aaron: Where's John Fletcher?
Julie: I was being ironic. Calm the fuck down, A-ron. Hahaha.
Aaron: Love Will's costume!
Aaron: Well QEI's costume is insanely weird.
Julie: Why are we rioting?
Julie: What the hell is going on?
Aaron: Words, Julie. Words.
Aaron: This is such nonsense.
Julie: OMG these deaths are amazing. Play the melodrama, girl!
Julie: That head piece!
Aaron: I liked it.
Julie: Of course you did.
Aaron: I love a headpiece.
Aaron: She's like a 17th century Cher.
Julie: Is this exposition?
Aaron: No: act three monologues.
Aaron: Why is he crying?
Aaron: The hunchback, I mean.
Julie: That was his moment! Let him have it!
Julie: Nice fur.
Aaron: The first pretty exterior in the film.
Aaron: And then we're back to fake ones. That lake!
Aaron: Thank god that wife of his explained this plot sequence because I was confused.
Julie: Those are some intense sleeves.
Aaron: They're like a duvet!
Julie: How is that old man still alive?
Aaron: Yeah. Hello continuity.
Aaron: He died!
Julie: Oh dear. That was dramatic.
Aaron: That was good. I liked that bit of writing.
Julie: That is the rum.
Aaron: Is Derek Jacobi gonna come back, too?
Julie: I hope so. Him and Mark Rylance. They'll do an epilogue.
Aaron: Tenors are singing. Should I be having a feeling?
Julie: Of disgust?
Aaron: They made King James I into a big old queen. (At least that's historically accurate)
Julie: Obvi Roland likes his queens.
Julie: Is that Mark?
Julie: In the white costume we like.