Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. —Henry Fielding

21 April 2012

Out of Context

In my Sexuality & Representation class I find myself saying all sorts of things. I am never offensive in class, of course, but taken out of context, my students think I say a lot of very funny things.

And two of them kept a list for the semester. (Thanks, ladies.)

Now, this is basically just my students playing a long-running that's what he said joke on me. But I think it's actually pretty funny. When they handed it to me at the end of the class, I told them I would definitely post it on here.

Honestly I don't remember saying half of this stuff...
  • People who liked to be choked. Where’s my parade, right?
  • I'm fine with Vegans. People going around: I'm a Vegan. Fuck off. Just don't do it in public. Why do they have to put it in my face?
  • It's not about who I am, it's what I want and how I move.
  • I don’t want people to see my penis all the time—Well, my penis is fine, just not my balls.
  • There is an evil coming to get us in the body of a small girl. For me, I know it’s a lesbian.
  • [on Boys in the Band] I’m never going to be able to keep these people straight. 
  • You don’t come out to the clerk at the grocery store.
  • Where is the lesbian? Making soup and dressing poorly.
  • Like a free radical! Finally, they can be paired up.
  • We’re all gonna talk about how awful she is, and then stare at her tits. She’s cheesecake.
  • There’s a plague, and it's coming to get us… End of Scene.
  • I have secret gay behind my pancreas and it helps me dress windows.
  • Two young boys masturbating in the vineyard, fantasizing about becoming a pastor… that’s totes normal.
  • Rape is NOT a transhistorical concept.
  • He was a kid. And he was mad at his dad. Dad, leave me alone, I’m trying to have sex with an old man!
  • One could still have some sodomy on the side. 500 days of Sodom. ... That’s a lot of sodomy.
  • You can’t just say, Well, I got images of semen everywhere. Well, good for you.
  • Freud can constantly be like, That’s what she said!
  • Vaginas are just coming to eat your head.
  • The penis is not all powerful… in this text.
  • It’s fat, but it's wonderful.
  • Masturbation brings you to another level than, like, knitting.
  • A lesbian Chinese woman will be President of the United States—That’s ridiculous, that will never happen.
  • It’s pretty explicit. It’s kind of delightful.
  • When the historian said may, he was making shit up.
  • There’s plenty of prostitution happening at the theatre.
  • Can we please return to sodomy?
  • A sodomite is a bogeyman off in the woods. Like a werewolf. Or a Jew.
  • If you’re not chaste, you wanna have sex with everyone. A whore is a whore is a whore.
  • Makes me wanna punch somebody. Makes me wanna punch my father.
  • Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
  • I like when she pees—it’s fun. I like pee in plays. Don’t shit. But pee is fun.
  • We’re gonna be skepz.
  • I fought with a sword, you fool!
  • I liked the fact that Reagan came up. I miss him sometimes.
  • Hermstory. I’m obsessed with that.
  • Let’s just let herm be hermself.
  • I love your lesbian spirit. It smells like teen spirit.
  • It’s lesbian mom week!
  • I’m not saying they’re not lesbians, I’m just saying lesbians are figured as gay men.
  • I love a gay Nazi.
  • It still ends with a bunch of dead fags.
  • Emptiness needs to be filled. By a penis obviously, because it’s Freud.
  • Killing your dad is like this fantastic Freudian dream.
  • I wish little bullied gay kids could kill their dads. That’d be kind of awesome.
  • They weren’t scouring the countryside for faggots.
  • The gay was released.
  • I don't have to take mental pictures for my spank bank.
  • I'm terrified of being gay too!
  • Let's talk about pirate sex really quickly.
  • She can't decide to be a Ford Focus today... and why would she want to??
  • This bitch went into Hell!
All of these are out of context, and I am deliberately leaving them out of context because in context they're not actually funny. I'm just gonna leave it at that. It might be funny to try to imagine what in the hell I was talking about at any of these moments...