Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. —Henry Fielding

03 February 2014

Iron Man 1999

Julie and I get drunk and watch movies.
 * * * * *
Aaron: Ooo Iron Man 3.
Julie: Oooh. Indeed. God, I already hate smug Robert Downey Jr. Also they are playing the Blue Song. Seriously?
Aaron: It's the 1990s!
Julie: Ok, quick: remind me what happened in the first 2 films.
Aaron: Um. He is a playboy
Julie: He looks like AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys.
Aaron: And his dad is like an aircraft designer? Guy Pearce looks a mess.
Julie: Oh, shit, that's Guy? Not a good look, dude. Where has he been, by the way?
Aaron: He's getting paid.
Julie: He was so great… before.
Aaron: He was in a movie last year. Under a lot of age makeup, remember?
Julie: He was? What movie?
Aaron: Prometheus!
Julie: Oh yeah. I like to forget that one. Oh my god, seriously, those glasses and goatee: a Backstreet Boy.
Aaron: Oooo visual effects!
Julie: Wait, are the other two movies also in the '90s? I didn't know this was a period film.
Aaron: No. The other movies take place in the present.
Julie: I missed the visual effects. This is going to be just like The Lone Ranger.
Aaron: Except I am going to be much more drunk.
Julie: Are you drinking beer? What is happening over there?
Aaron: I am having a delicious Peak Organic Black IPA.
Julie: Oh, Nice. Keep me updated on your drunk status. I will try valiantly to keep up.
Aaron: I think in the last movie somebody took the technology he uses to keep himself alive. He has some kind of titanium thing in his chest that allows him to live and not have cancer or something. I can't remember.
Julie: I kind of wish we were watching The Transformers. I really like those movies. So then how is he alive?
Aaron: Well he got it back, obviously.
Julie: Why are we listening to Jingle Bells?
Aaron: I don't know. Did this come out at xmas?
Julie: I was just about to ask that. Haha. A holiday film!

Aaron: This is cool.
Julie: Are you being sarcastic? Because it is decidedly lame.


Aaron: Oh no! Muslim Terrorists?
Julie: Oh my god. Are you kidding me!?
Aaron: Is this going to be crazy racist?
Julie: I CAN'T.
Aaron: I think this might already be more racist than The Lone Ranger.
Julie: Who is that white man with the beard?
Aaron: Who is this actor? Ben Kingsley?
Julie: OMG IT IS. What is he doing with his life??
Aaron: He should be ashamed of himself. He isn't even an Arab!
Julie: Gotta get paid, just like Guy, right?
Aaron: What a strange sequence!
Julie: I literally cannot believe an Iron Man movie is trying to be political. Ugh. This is even worse than we expected it to be. Don Cheadle! Oh my god, why are all these people slumming?
Aaron: In the first movie this character was played by Terrence Howard. But Cheadle was in the last one.
Julie: Oh. Hahaha. I told you I don't remember the other two movies. What happened to Terrence? Is he going to show up? I can't believe you remember anything that happened in the other movies. Hero.
Aaron: No no. Terrence got fired. And Don Cheadle has the part now.
Julie: Oh. Because he's an asshole?
Aaron: He asked for more money.
Julie: Hahahaha. As he should.

Julie: That is a white suit, girl.
Aaron: She looks fabulous.
Julie: I hate her.
Aaron: We've talked about this before.
Julie: goop.com That's all I'm gonna say.
Aaron: Why is she saying he looks great? He doesn't actually look great.
Julie: He looks better than before.
Aaron: I'm kind of into these effects. I'm kind of not into these jokes.
Julie: They remind me of Avatar. All that teal.
Aaron: I think that's a good thing. I loved Avatar.
Julie: Ugh. Aaron. I cannot even talk to you right now. (How many beers have you had?)

Aaron: Who remembers conferences? How could he possibly remember he was in Switzerland in 1999. I do not understand action movies that have no action. This was the problem with Lone Ranger too. Like, can something please blow up?
Julie: Because they are pretending that they aren't "just" action movies. They are deeper than that, Aaron. There are terrorists! More xmas music.
Aaron: They're drinking Beaujolais but it's white.
Julie: Wine snob.
Aaron: What's snobby? I'm noticing details.
Julie: The Iron Man audiences aren't going to give a shit. Maybe if it was Bud Light and looked like a Guinness.

Aaron: Poor Iron Man! He's cracking up! But the film moved the act three monologue into act one. I don't understand the structure of this. Guy Pearce is the villain, right? But, like, where's the plot?
Julie: I don't understand why you're just trying to critique anything other than the visual effects. I'm not sure the plot has really been revealed.
Aaron: Oooo! That's cool. This is Mary Shelley, right? [The Frankenstein theme I noticed at this point is not elaborated by Shane Black & co.]
Julie: Um? I'm so distracted by his 1999 hair and facial hair. It is so bad. Also I just polished off a bag of popcorn. And I'm still hungry.
Aaron: Already?
Julie: I should've bought Cheez-its. Sigh.
Aaron: Thank goodness. Some action.
Julie: Oooh that red demon face was cool.
Aaron: It was! But is he a robot or...? Are they replicants or something like that?
Julie: This feels very Terminator.
Aaron: Well, I am grateful for it.
Julie: Here's the terrorists again. Please note that Ben pronounces it "Amurrican".
Aaron: That is my favorite part of this movie so far.
Julie: Ben's funky accent?
Aaron: No. The pronunciation of "Amurrican".
Julie: I love a good Downton Abbey reference! Also, I just finished my first beer. We have nearly 2 hours left.
Aaron: Downey's facial hair is exactly like a Backstreet Boy.
Mr. McLean
Julie: Thank You. And my favorite Backstreet Boy. But it looks better on AJ. More effects. Isn't this Minority Report?
Aaron: Haha. No. This is just like the other 2 Iron Mans.
Julie: But they both came after Minority Report. I feel that I am right.
Aaron: True enough. I love Minority Report.
Julie: Me too. I should rewatch it. Tom pre-crazy.
Aaron: It was just latent. He was already crazy.
Julie: Hahahaha. Aw. Poor Tom. Aaron, I am already drunk. This is a problem.
Aaron: You're a mess!
Julie: You told me to get drunk!
Aaron: I did.

Julie: Who is this woman? This actress, I mean.
Aaron: Oh it's Rebecca Hall!
Julie: Ohhhhhhh
Aaron: You know she's Sir Peter Hall's daughter?
Julie: Oh! I did not.
Aaron: I saw her in a production of As You Like It once.
Julie: Omigod Gwynnie is in the robot suit.
Aaron: She was good. Her father directed. The show itself was unforgivably painful.
Julie: Most Shakespeare is.
Aaron: Ooo we are truth telling. You are Meryl Streep in August Osage right now.
Julie: Oh I hope not. I did not care for Meryl in that one
Aaron: All of this exploding is delightful.
Julie: Yep, here's all your action.
Aaron: These terrorists are trying to kill Christmas! Did you see them set fire to that Holiday tree?
Julie: Hahahaha. They're incorrigible
Aaron: I think this deserves its nomination just based on this sequence.
Julie: I guess I just don't get into these kinds of effects. It's just all so silly to me.
Aaron: I am not enjoying myself.
Julie: That means you need to drink more.
Aaron: I'm just impressed by the actual, you know, technical skill that this took. So the terrorists are going to turn out to be actual USAmericans, right?
Julie: Is that what his terrible accent implied?
Aaron: I dunno. Just guessin'. Will there be a couple of cameos of other Avengers in this?
Julie: Can Sam Jackson please show up?
Aaron: Oh dear Heavens I hope so.
Julie: Wasn't he in one of these though?
Aaron: The last one, I think. Remember, um, the girl from Her was in it. You know, I miss Jude Law. Where is he these days?
Julie: Oh, no you don't. He was in that Side Effects mess.
Aaron: Oooo. I haven't seen it yet. I'm gonna see that soon.
Julie: Also, why are we talking about Jude Law?
Aaron: He is the OS that Downey keeps calling "Jarvis". [Clearly this is Paul Bettany, and I can't recognize my thin British actors.]
Julie: Sam Jackson was in Iron Man 2!!!!!!
Aaron: Yeah.
Julie: Does that mean he'll show up? Or is he dead?
Aaron: SLJ? No.
Julie: Do we really need a small child in this?
Aaron: Children are the future.
Julie: Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Aaron: Haven't you read your Lee Edelman? This child is from 1999.
Julie: Yes… he looks like someone... The kid from The Flight of the Navigator? No, not like him, never mind.
Aaron: He just said "Dads leave. No need to be a pussy about it." Really??
Julie: Charming.
Aaron: Misogynist and unnecessary.
Julie: This is a movie about straight men for straight men. What do you expect?
Aaron: It's not for straight men; it's for young boys, right? So the film is actively policing the masculinity of adolescent boys? Thanks a lot.
Julie: No, it's for teenagers and adult men. Straight guys love this shit. Also, why is her name Pepper? That is ridiculous.
Aaron: She's a comic book. I have no idea. I am just sort of happy that two women spent more than 10 seconds talking about something other than a man.
Julie: Ooh, Bechdel Test. Check.
Aaron: Not much else to be happy about.
Julie: But why do famous actresses want to be in movies like this? I don't get it.
Aaron: I don't either. Money?
Julie: I guess. But Gwynnie's got plenty of that.

Aaron: What did I tell you?!
Julie: What - is he actually an American? Did I miss it?
Aaron: Dora the Explorer just made a cameo. Product placement.
Julie: Amazing.
Aaron: I like this small white Tennessean child
Julie: I want to punch him.
Aaron: I think he's funny. He's like a sassy sidekick.
Julie: That's because you're drunk.
Aaron: He's like the donkey in Mulan. Dale Dickey! I love this actress. I am so glad she's getting work.
Julie: Donkey? You mean dragon?
Aaron: Omigod. Dragon. All black people look the same.
Julie: Oh god, Aaron.

Julie: That wig is terrible on that lady. Or is that her actual hair? Ah, she's a demon. It's demon hair.
Aaron: Oh, so when Pepper said that Guy Pearce could weaponize people she was explaining the plot.
Julie: She said that? Hmm. Also this action sequence is fun.
Aaron: Very! I like this actress.
Julie: The demon actress? "I've dated hotter chicks than you?"Ugh. 
Aaron: Then she undercuts it! "That's all you got? A cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner?" So much xmas!
Julie: I know, right?
Aaron: The terrorists hate the baby jesus.
Julie: Well, we have that in common.
Aaron: Julie!
Julie: Aaron! You don't love baby J any more than I do.
Aaron: Neither does Lee Edelman.
Julie: I have no idea who this Lee person is.
Aaron: You're not up on your queer theory?
Julie: Well, you know I read it in my copious spare time and all.
Aaron: You are the busiest woman in the United States, girl. Apologies. No joke.
Julie: Haha. I'm sure.

Julie: Amurrrrrica. Haha. He is milking it. Ah. Is Don Cheadle ever coming back? What was the point of his 2 min?
Aaron: Hahaha. Why are you thinking about him?
Julie: I'm trying to entertain myself (I am currently watching his HBO show, House of Lies, which I enjoy him in).
Aaron: Here he is!!!! How weird.
Julie: Speak of the devil. Ah, half naked women. Of course.
Aaron: We are now in the Miss Chattanooga Christmas Pageant. Of course. This is so blatantly misogynist.
Julie: Ah! It's the guy from The Mindy Project! I think.
Aaron: Did you like that single cheesecake shot in Star Trek: into Darkness?
Julie: Cheesecake? You know I turned that mess off. I did not watch it all.
Aaron: Julie? Where is your dedication?
Julie: I have lost it. This year is terrible. I quit The Hobbit too.
Aaron: I think this year is great.
Julie: You are wrong. Every other year was great. Last year was great. So this year is bad.
Aaron: So many great films. Not nominated for Oscars.
Julie: OK, but that is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the 57 Oscar-nominated films I had/have to watch.


Julie: Back to the movie at hand: I kind of love when it verges on horror.

Aaron: You love a horror movie.
Julie: I do. I wish a horror movie would be nominated. That would be so much more fun than this super hero shit.
Aaron: How long has it been since a horror movie has been nominated for something?
Julie: Silence of the Lambs? (Which I don't even consider a horror movie, really.)
Aaron: That was 20 years ago!
Julie: Well. People don't take horror seriously. Because most of it is crap. But it's fun crap! Sleepy Hollow. Sweeney Todd.
Aaron: Don Cheadle just quoted whatshisname: Charlton Heston.
Julie: I missed it. I was googling Oscar-nominated horror movies.
Aaron: He said "If you want this suit you're gonna have to pry it from my cold dead body." Robert Downey Jr. is like acting in this.

Julie: The screenwriter probably didn't think he was quoting anything. He probably thought he was the genius that made that line up.
Aaron: Sleepy Hollow. That was a fun horror movie.
Julie: I remember not liking it, actually.
Aaron: I can't remember. That was in, like, 1999.
Julie: Misery. That was a good one. Kathy Bates was nominated.
Aaron: Oh yeah! She is awesome in that.
Julie: That was a year before Silence of the Lambs. Those were the last two good horror movies nominated. Sad. This movie is feeling very Bond right now.
Aaron: Ok, but District 9 sort of, right? I mean, that movie was gross.
Julie: Nah, that's Sci-Fi
Aaron: Not a horror movie, obvs.
Julie: Some Sci-Fi can be horror. Like Alien and Predator.
Aaron: Hollow Man?
Julie: I don't know that one!
Aaron: With Kevin Bacon. He turns invisible. It's good!
Julie: Oh yes. I remember now. That is horror. But not good horror.
Aaron: 2000, I think.
Julie: I love me some Bacon though. The Following, his new show, has horror moments. It's great fun.
Oh my god, Ben is British!
Aaron: He's kind of great right now.
Julie: Hahaha, yeah, he is. (On a side note: Ethan Hawke is totally into doing horror, which I love. It's nice when legit actors get in on it.)
Aaron: I am loving Ben Kingsley right now. What is Ethan Hawke doing?
Mr. Hawke in Sinister
Julie: The Purge, Sinister.
Aaron: Are these films?
Julie: Yes. Very recent, in the last few years. The Purge was last summer.
Aaron: Oh. Cool.
Julie: I mean, it wasn't good. But I appreciate his being so game to do that kind of thing.
Aaron: Did you miss the part where Rebecca Hall turned out to be a baddie?
Julie: Holy shit! She did! You can't let me go on and on about horror like that. I get carried away.
Aaron: I do not understand your love for horror. But I sort of approve.
Julie: Ha! "Sort of approve"? What does that mean?
Aaron: I mean, I watched them with you a lot of times, so I approved enough. Oh, wait. Rebecca Hall isn't a baddie. She's complex. She's a turncoat. She will betray Guy Pearce in the end.
Julie: You watched Teeth with me. I think that was it. I think you're right about Becky.
Aaron: No. We saw Rosemary's Baby together. And Poltergeist. And The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
Julie: We did? But I had already seen those. Were they your first times? Oh yes that Cabinet mess.
Aaron: Yes! [We are talking about the 2005 remake so don't get angry at us.]
Julie: Oh! It was a teaching moment then! That's fun. Bringing you into the horror. Didn't Ruth come over for these? We had like a horror movie club for like a hot second, right?

Aaron: Are they gonna kill off Pepper Pots?
Julie: I hope so.
Aaron: Not just Ruth! Herman, Becky. A whole buncha folks.
Julie: I remember Herman not enjoying Teeth. Haha.
Aaron: He was wrong. Teeth was awesome. And campy.
Julie: So awesome. I own it on DVD now, y'know. I like to revisit it from time to time.
Aaron: Hahaha. Sadist.
Julie: :D

Aaron: That guy just breathed fire! I want to be him.
Julie: Don Cheadle is kicking ass! Or he was, for a moment.
Aaron: He kicked ass for one second.
Julie: But it was a great second.
Don Cheadle's biceps
Aaron: It was. At least this Iron Man has more than just punching.
Julie: Truth.
Aaron: There are good, cool, technologies for killing people in this one. The last one was like Real Steel with people inside.
Julie: I don't know why we didn't drunk-watch Real Steel.
Aaron: Didn't we?
Julie: Hahaha, no. But you were probably drunk when you watched it, I'm guessing.
Aaron: Thanks, Hercule Poirot. More girls in bathing suits.
Julie: Why are girls in sequined bikinis playing ping pong? Is Ben drinking Budweiser? So Amurrrrican.
Aaron: For the teenage boys in the audience. Ben Kingsley is so good.
Julie: His accent is making this film.
Aaron: I take back everything I said at the beginning of this movie.
Julie: Well, not everything.
Aaron: Well, everything about Sir Ben.
Julie: Fair. Would the vice president really be talking on an unsecured line like that? President or Pepper? Who to save, who to save???
Aaron: He's a baddie. It's part of the plot.
Julie: Also, what was with the kid in the wheel chair? Was that shot necessary?
Aaron: He is, like, in support of the technologies that make fake bodies. You know, redoing DNA. That's how they got to him. He has a disabled daughter.
Julie: Oh. Good lord, I have not been paying attention to anything.
Aaron: That makes him vulnerable. Yeah, Guy Pearce chose soldiers who had lost limbs and shit. They joined up so that they could regrow their limbs and become awesome fighting machines.
Julie: Fascinating. It's like a whole new movie.
Aaron: This actor is cute. If I were into white frat guys.
Julie: Indeed. Been there, done that. No thank you. :)
Aaron: Indeed. I like when British people say "thirteen" USAmericans always say "thirt-teen,"but Brits say "thirteen." pronouncing the t only once.
Julie: You are such a grammar nazi. Also I don't understand this barrel of monkeys thing happening.
Aaron: This is absurd.
Julie: No joke.
Aaron: Iron Man just got hit by a car.
Julie: But it wasn't really him so it's OK.
Aaron: I didn't see that coming. I must admit.
Julie: Me neither.
Aaron: I have to pee. Can we pause?
Julie: I peed without pausing.
Aaron: You did? How drunk are you?
Julie: I am only nearly done with my second beer.
Aaron: That is absurd. I have had 3 IPAs.
Julie: Holy shit!
Aaron: I'm drunk, girl.
Julie: Well, you need to be. But you will be feeling it tomorrow.
Aaron: Don Cheadle just joined this as an actual supporting character. I am delighted.
Julie: I know, but he was literally not in like 1/3 of the movie. So weird.

Aaron: I'm confused....
Julie: What's new?
Aaron: Robots punching people. Fucking PG13 movies. I can't bear it. I am opening a 4th IPA.
Julie: This movie is turning into Transformers! I like it.
Aaron: I wish it were. I like those bad movies.
Julie: I finished my second beer. I am done. As I am done with this movie.
Aaron: He just said "dinner." I'm hungry.
Julie: I ate a bag of popcorn and a bowl of pretzels. I am done with that, too. Guy Pearce is calling Robert a turtle. What is happening?
Aaron: I need some dim sum.
Julie: Do they even have that in Tallahassee?
Aaron: I was dreaming I was back in Los Angeles. Don Cheadle! Biceps!
Julie: He's a badass, remember?
Aaron: He's great. And his polo isn't even dirty!
Julie: Superstar. Why is Gwynnie half naked?
Aaron: Fanboys? That shit is offensive.
Julie: He didn't catch her.
Aaron: She looks great, though.
Julie: He is terrible at life.
Aaron: Maybe Don Cheadle caught her!
Julie: Oh, right. I'm sure he did. Guy just said "I would've caught her." Burn.
Aaron: Literally. He's, like, made of fire.
Julie: Hahaha.
Aaron: Guy pearce without a shirt. Finally. I've waited 2 hours for that.
Julie: Yeah, why have all the men been fully clothed this entire time? I want to see some abs.
Aaron: No abs. It's all digital.
Julie: They could've made some digital abs. Lame.
Aaron: The real star of this movie: Jarvis, the OS. He and ScarJo from Her should totes date.
Julie: I knew you were going to go there. Haha.
Aaron: I love a romance.
Julie: Guy just got creamed by Pepper!
Aaron: Pepper Hots!
Julie: She is terrifying.
Aaron: Seriously. This is cool.
Julie: "Who's the hot mess now?" she asks.
Aaron: Hahaha.
Julie: The answer is, obviously, this movie.
Aaron: There are the abs. Gwyneth's abs are awesome.

Aaron: His facial hair. What the fuck. Why does he look like that?
Julie: He is trying to regain his youth? Or something? What happened to Cheadle?
Aaron: This movie, like The Lone Ranger, hates technology. Why is there so much fear about technology? This. Facial. Hair. How does he even do that?
Julie: I literally cannot focus on anything else. TN kid!
Aaron: Zzzzzz. Surrogate dad.
Julie: What? You liked him. A lot.
Aaron: Not that I have anything against surrogate fatherhood. Wait, so, like, Iron Man is done?
Julie: What did he just throw into the ocean? I don't believe it.
Aaron: His power source thing.
Julie: (I don't think we're supposed to believe it.) I AM IRON MAN. BOOM!
Aaron: But how is he Iron Man if he's not, like, BIONIC?
Julie: Because it's in his soul, Aaron. What are these credits? I'm getting nauseous.
Aaron: Reliving the best moments of the film? It's like a play by Ken Ludwig.
Julie: Hahaha.

Aaron: This score is reminiscent of James Bond now. Right?
Julie: Yes. This film was trying to be a Bond film.
Aaron: You called it. Miguel Ferrer, the guy who played the Vice President: Is he somehow related to José Ferrer?
Miguel Ferrer in the original RoboCop.
It seemed important.
Julie: I don't know, but speaking of Mulan, he was the voice of Shan-Yu. So there's that. But let's get down to business. This mess is not winning anything. I mean, it was only nominated for one thing, and it doesn't have a shot in hell.
Aaron: No. Obviously not. He is José Ferrer's son. For the record.
Julie: I am glad you figured that out. for your own sense of mind.
Aaron: Did the other Iron Mans win anything? Sense of mind? I thought I was the drunk one.
Julie: Negative.
Aaron: Well then this one is out for sure. Gravity has Visual Effects in the bag.
Julie: Yes. I don't think there is a technical category that it doesn't have in the bag.
Aaron: For real. Well, Production Design. I am disappointed no other Avengers were in this.
Julie: Oh yeah. I said Gatsby would win that. Though now I'm not so sure.
Aaron: I was waiting for Loki or Thor or, you know, the Hulk or something.
Julie: I am really disappointed Sam didn't show up.
Aaron: 12 Years wins Production Design. As part of a larger 12 Years resurgence.
Julie: Haha. Yeah, ok. You are cracked.
Aaron: Skeptic. The other options are Her or Hustle.
Julie: Well, I would like Her to win, but it won't. And honestly, Gatsby's design was pretty amazing.
What is this aural button? Oh. there he is. Mark Ruffalo!
Aaron: The Hulk. Finally.
Julie: Of all the super heroes in all the world.
Aaron: There were supposed to be laughs in there, right? Why am I not charmed by this?
Julie: No. But the teenage boys are supposed to be.
Aaron: What is the eroticism of these teenage boys toward Tony Stark? This is some kind of desiring machine.
Julie: Well they want to be him. That's all. Are you there? Or did you pass out after the 4th IPA?
Aaron: Don't make this less homoerotic than it is. Sorry. I was talking to one of my sons. He's watching Blue Jasmine.
Julie: Focus!
Aaron: Sorry.

Julie: Is there anything else we really need to say about this?
Aaron: Why do the buttons of these films always disappoint?
Julie: Because buttons inherently disappoint. They are always stupid.
Aaron: But the whole point of a button is anricipation of something.
Talk to the hand, guuurl.
Julie: Anricipation?
Aaron: Built into the concept of the button is build-up. So the point of the button is to deliver on this anticipation/anricipation.
Julie: Well, there is obviously going to be a 4th film.
Aaron: I see dollar signs. Like Haley Joel Osment sees dead people.
Julie: Oh dear.
Aaron: I also see IPA.
Julie: Hahaha. Too much of it, methinks. I am le tired.
Aaron: Never.
Julie: It may be bed time.
Aaron: I am at home. I don't need to drive. And I haven't texted any ex boyfriends. I am going to chalk this up as a victory.
Julie: Well, color me impressed!
Aaron: Hahaha. Alright. XO.
Julie: Til next time!
Aaron: OK. Love and kisses and pepper and pots.
Julie: Haha. Same to you. G'night!
Aaron: Night.