Oddly enough, it was difficult for us to think of something awful to watch this year, both of us having already seen Ted, but Julie alighted on The Avengers and her instinct was spot on. It's a long film, so the dialogue does go on quite a bit. And we tend to ramble, as well. But I've put some images next to our chat in case you're feeling as though you want to skip to a more interesting section of the conversation.
Aaron: Just pouring my beer. What are you drinking?
Julie: I am going to pop my corn and grab a drink........... RED BEER, 'course! you?
Aaron: This is a White IPA from Harpoon. Fancy stuff and so delicious.
Julie: But is it too fancy for a cheesy comicbook flick? At least the color of my drink is fitting.
Aaron: Well, I thought I'd begin with the good stuff and let it devolve. This movie is long.
Julie: Ugh, these Marvel previews.
Aaron: Oh my god, there are a million. Is Spiderman Turn Off the Dark being promoted?
Julie: Aaron, SPIDER-MAN is not a Marvel character.
Aaron: Oh hahaha. It isn't? [Julie is actually wrong about this.]
Julie: Neither is Superman or Batman. Clearly, Marvel has all the shitty characters no one cares about. Like The Hulk (poor Ang Lee).
Aaron: Seriously. Poor Ang Lee. And that movie made money, so I don't know why everyone acts like it was a big failure. Also, remember when Sam Mendes directed a Bond movie and everyone loved it?
Julie: Yeah, what was that about?
Aaron: And remember when he directed a movie about abortion and the 1950s and no one loved it? Hahaha.
Julie: HAHAHA. Yes.
Aaron: Is this Transformers?
Julie: I hope it is... I love me those Transformers.
Aaron: I do too! Those are ridiculous.
Julie: Who doesn't? Such fun. Such good sound. But you know that Joss Whedon directed this, right?
Aaron: Oh did he? I get Joss Whedon and J.J. Abrams confused.
Julie: P.S. Why are we watching this? I forget what it is nom'd for.
Aaron: Special Effects. Of the Visual variety.
Aaron: I love this actor. With the glasses. He makes me smile.
Julie: Oh, I thought you loved Sam Jackson. I mean, who doesn't? P.S. this character was written with him in mind! (Don't you love that I know these things now? I am a comic geek!)
Aaron: I love him. So this character is not from the comic books? He's just from the movies?
Julie: No, he's from the 'books. But the later ones. So they wrote him for Sam, basically. Which is obviously the best thing ever.
Aaron: It is! Also, could he have been more genius in Django Unchained?
Julie: He could have, and then perhaps he would've been nom'd.
Julie: No, I loved him! I'm saying the Academy sucks! Also, I have no idea what's going on... I haven't been listening.
Aaron: This thing – which is called a tesseract – is "misbehaving". It's a gateway to another world or planet or something. Maybe like in Thor? Jeremy Renner just said "It's a door right? Doors open from both sides."
Julie: Yes! Thor is going to show up. Chris Hemsworth. I am excited. This is his evil brother, by the way.
Aaron: Tom Hiddleston is the villain from Thor. I saw Thor.
Julie: Of course you did. *eyebrow raise*
Aaron: What? I thought it was a lot of gay fun. There was glitter and rainbows. And Tom Hiddleston is like a gay villain or something. I love a gay villain.
Julie: It makes me think of Adventures in Babysitting. I do hope you've seen that. It is a staple of our 80s youth.
Aaron: Don't fuck with the babysitter.
Julie: YES! Nobody leaves here without singin' the blues.
Aaron: I wasn't reading the Bible the whole time I was a child.
Julie: But I thought you didn't know what a TV was until you went to college?
Aaron: I watched TV beginning at age 11. Sam Jax just got shot!!
Julie: So much good TV happened before '92, Aaron. I am sad for you. SLJ will be fine. Motherfucker doesn't know how to die.
Aaron: And I am sorry that you missed Dark Shadows and Dallas.
Julie: Well, Dallas has been remade, so I shan't miss it.
Julie: So far I think The Dark Knight Rises (or whatever it was titled) had better visuals than this. What was that blue mess?
Aaron: It did. I wonder why they snubbed The Dark Knight Rises.
Julie: They were mad that it otherwise sucked.
Aaron: Seems odd. They liked the last two so much. Oh that was a cool effect!
Julie: I missed it. I was thinking about Tom Hardy.
Aaron: Sam Jax just jumped from a crashing helicopter. Who is Laura Dern's younger lookalike supposed to be?
Aaron: You just said a name I do not recognize.
Julie: She is an agent. No one likes her, though she's super-competent (i.e. boring.)
Julie: How I Met Your Mother. Neil Patrick Harris. I am a fountain.
Aaron: What does that have to do with How I Met Your Mother?
Julie: She's in it. And so is NPH.
Aaron: Oh. TV. You know I don't care about TV.
Julie: Ohh... Scar Jo. Two days ago I saw you as Maggie the Cat... and now you're basically CatWoman. How the mighty have fallen.
Aaron: Haha. She is playing Maggie the Cat? How is she?
Julie: Eh... ok. She's the best part of the show, which is pretty sad (for Rob Ashford). She is not a good redhead.
Aaron: Speaking of how the mighty have fallen.
Aaron: Rob Ashford.
Julie: Yes, he got really bad reviews for this show. My heart is sad for him. Oooh, that was a fun flip.
Aaron: That one too!
Julie: This guy she's talking to is not in the books
Aaron: That's the one I like!
Julie: He is written in here to represent the Everyman, i.e. he has no cool powers. Mark! The Hulk! Where's Ang?
Aaron: I didn't see the Hulk movie. But I think I saw all the other ones. Who directed the second Hulk?
Julie: There was a second Hulk?
Aaron: Oh yes. I think Edward Norton was in it.
Julie: Louis Leterrier or something. Never heard of him.
Julie: At least Ang came back from the Hulk. Eric Bana never did.
Aaron: Poor Eric Bana. What a hottie.
Aaron: He was great in that bad Judd Apatow movie. I still think he's good.
Julie: He was in an Apatow movie?
Aaron: Funny People.
Julie: Ohhh. Yeah, didn't see that mess.
Aaron: That was wise.
Julie: Mark is looking a little schlubby here. Remember when he was hot?
Aaron: Mark Ruffalo was never hot. You are misremembering.
Julie: Hmm. Really? I saw him in person once. He looked pretty hot.
Aaron: I mean I think he's hot, but he has always looked a little worn. Remember he became famous in You Can Count on Me.
Julie: I never saw that either!
Aaron: Oh! It's so good!
Julie: Stop referencing things I don't know about. I want to feel smart.
Aaron: Hahaha. That was the 2000 Oscar season. What were you doing with your life?
Julie: What was I doing with my life? Freshman in college = mess.
Aaron: It's Captain America! Yay. Did you see that movie?
Julie: Hahaha, no. Absolutely not.
Aaron: It's really bad. Haha. Thor is way better.
Julie: I wish Green Lantern was in this. I love me some Ryan Reynolds.
Aaron: I missed that one. The effects looked so bad I didn't think I could stomach it.
Julie: Shit, he was a DC character. See? None of the Marvel characters is fun. Yeah, it was supposed to be pretty wretched. But Ryan!
Aaron: They are fun! Iron Man?
Julie: Blech. Overrated.
Aaron: Sam Jax just bet Captain America 10 bucks. And I laughed out loud.
Julie: Sam Jax always wins. And he should always wear an eyepatch.
Julie: Sarcasm? I hope?
Aaron: You don't like Gwyneth Paltrow?
Julie: Ew. She's the worst. Her ridiculous blog makes me want to kill myself.
Aaron: I love her. I think she's adorable. And I love her bangs. I am not following her blog. Does she, like, talk about her kids and shit?
Julie: She is all, like, pretentious about food and stuff that she has no authority to be pretentious about.
Aaron: You are mean.
Julie: People have regularly made fun of it, A-ron. I cannot believe you have not heard of this.
Aaron: I am sure she's not prententious She's lovely.
Julie: She's awful. Stop defending the bitch.
Aaron: Bitch? Julie!
Julie: Aaron! Everyone thinks so. Where have you been? P.S. I am out of beer. Are you keeping up?
Aaron: Well I like her. I am keeping up. I promise.
Julie: That's because you like bitches. Hence, our friendship.
Aaron: HAHA. Facts. We are 30 minutes in.
Julie: Oh my god, I'm going to be so drunk.
Aaron: Oh my god, this is homophobic.
Julie: What just happened?! I was getting beer!
Aaron: Well they have Phil saying things like "I watched you while you were sleeping" and then Captain America like raises his eyebrow like "are you a homo?"
Julie: Perhaps the actor is a homophobe.
Aaron: And then Phil is talking about how he redesigned Captain America's costume.
Julie: With nipples? Like the Batman suit?
Aaron: Dear lord I hope so.
Julie: Who is this Darth Vader wannabe?
Aaron: I don't know.
Julie: This looks like Tron. Which was decidedly not nominated for Visual Effects.
Aaron: Wasn't it? Tron did get some nominations, didn't it?
Julie: Only Sound Editing.
Aaron: Oh yeah! Haha. Poor Tron. It really was very bad. But I rather liked it. The art direction of this film is absurd. It looks like Transformers.
Julie: slash Tron!
Aaron: See! More homophobia. They're making Phil into a pseudo-gay character.
Julie: Am I homophobic for not catching any of the homophobia?
Aaron: No. Just not used to hearing it like I am, probably.
Julie: Now it looks like Battleship! Which was nominated for a bunch of Razzies, by the way. We should totes watch it.
Aaron: No thanks. There are a lot of good things I want to watch.
Julie: Oh, you're no fun.
Aaron: Lot of white people on this bridge. Hahaha. Sorry. I can only handle so many bad movies. And I watched The Man with the Iron Fists.
Julie: Why would you do that? (Without me?)
Aaron: Hahaha. To put the F-U in Kung Fu.
Julie: Oh dear.
Aaron: Mark Ruffalo is talking about science. Gamma rays, spectrometers, anti-protons.
Julie: He is basically Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day. Oh, I get it! This was Renner's warm-up for Hansel and Gretel!
Aaron: A horrible reference. May I never think of Jeff Goldblum.
Julie: Jurassic Park!
Aaron: Are we about to have some action, finally? It has been 40 minutes. That eye thing was cool.
Julie: I think these effects are pretty lame.
Aaron: They are. This won't win.
Julie: You're right: Snow White will.
Aaron: Haha. I wish! Life of Pi is going to win Visual Effects.
Julie: Probably. But Prometheus was really pretty – though it had absolutely nothing else going for it.
Aaron: Not much, no. But the effects were really cool in Prometheus.
Julie: Why does his gold suit go away? I'd wear it all the time.
Aaron: He was surrendering. But I'm with you. If you have a fabulous outfit, you wear it as often as possible.
Julie: Right? If nothing else, that's what we learned from the Evil Queen Charlize.
Aaron: She has many lessons to teach us.
Julie: So true. Like how to suck her albino brother's lifeblood/soul/something. 45 minutes in. I'm drunk.
Aaron: Oh I like this emotional brother scene. Thor was a big glittery business. You missed out. It was even directed by Kenneth Branagh.
Julie: I am not sure I did. Now I'm positive I didn't.
Aaron: Hahaha. I just laughed out loud again.
Julie: But why? Hahaha.
Aaron: "I'm listening." That was a good joke. SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK?!??! Bahahaha.
Aaron: I am just glad there is more action happening.
Julie: I am glad you are finding humor in this mess. I am not.
Aaron: This is, admittedly, a terrible film. But I have laughed three times. So all is not lost.
Julie: It's really bad, right? If nothing else, the visuals should be good, and they are not. This is most unfortunate.
Aaron: As usual in a Marvel film, too. These people have a million awesome technologies for killing each other and yet all they do is trade punches.
Julie: Ooooh he's flying.
Aaron: He jumped.
Julie: Fly-jumped. Whatever.
Aaron: Like Michael Jordan.
Julie: Hahaha! Just like.
Julie: Thank you. I'm trying to focus on the good.
Aaron: The styles differ so widely!
Julie: I think it's 'cause they don't know whose story it is. Right? Everyone's a star.
Aaron: Yeah. Which is weird, because it's Loki's story, right? And yet that's Tom Hiddleston. Not one of the stars.
Julie: No, he's the bad guy. It can't be the bad guy's story in a comicbook movie.
Aaron: I think the star is actually Chris Hemsworth's biceps.
Julie: Oh my god, his hair! offically my favorite thing. after sam's eyepatch.
Aaron: Samuel L. Jackson. He is so much fun.
Julie: Always. Though I'm afraid he's a bit crazypants. Then again, most actors are.
Aaron: Like in real life or just in this movie. I laughed at another joke.
Julie: In real life.
Aaron: "He's adopted." Good joke.
Julie: Also, his twitter is incoherent. Is it really him? I'm not sure, but I had to unfollow him.
Aaron: Are you watching The Avengers?
Julie: I am bored by this film.
Aaron: Yeah. So much talk!
Julie: Transformers was way more fun.
Aaron: Yeah, Transformers always had giant motherfucking set pieces. This has a lot of talk, a lot of morality, and Captain America's earnestness.
Julie: Yeah, so much earnestness. Blah.
Julie: Also, why is the cinematography so muted? These colors are dull. I want my superheroes to be bright and fun.
Aaron: That's what I was saying when we were on that ship!
Julie: Sunshine... did we see that? I have a vague recollection of being in that student life cinema
Aaron: Yes! It was. I love that movie. Danny Boyle.
Julie: And Cillian Murphy! I don't remember it much, though.
Aaron: Samuel Jackson should be in this movie more.
Aaron: He should be the lead.
Julie: Well, he kind of is, right? Because he's in charge of them all.
Aaron: Yeah, but the film isn't as interested in him as it is in the others.
Julie: That's because he's black. This film is racist! Also, he has the best name. Nick FURY.
Aaron: Truth. I don't think it's about racism. I think it's about not knowing how to direct a movie. This is directed like television ought to be directed.
Julie: Well, he is all about the TV. And he does it well.
Aaron: Switching between stories, not having a main character.
Julie: Perhaps we should just drink more.
Aaron: This is good TV, but movies don't work well like this. I am drinking. Tom Hiddleston is great.
Aaron: Black people love bluetooth.
Aaron: My sister never takes hers off. THIS CINEMATOGRAPHY. This is fucking awful.
Julie: SO BAD. What the fuck is happening?
Aaron: They're fighting and I think that little sword thing like knows or something.
Julie: Why did we go upside down?
Aaron: Now we're seeing everything in closeup! It's like Les Mis! Are you hoping they sing, because I am.
Julie: Nothing is like Les Mis, A-ron. Nothing. Captain America really wants to burst into song.
Aaron: Nine is like Les Mis. (Mark Ruffalo is a great actor. For real.)
Julie: No, Nine had Daniel Day-Lewis. Les Mis had Russell Crowe.
Aaron: Those are equivalent.
Julie: I just want you to know that this cinematographer did We Need to Talk About Kevin.
Aaron: What? That movie is shot in an interesting way!
Julie: And Anna Karenina.
Aaron: And Anna Karenina is shot gorgeously.
Julie: I'm just telling ya the facts.
Aaron: This is the director's fault, clearly.
Julie: Hahaha. I like to blame directors, too. Let's go with that. HULK! I wish Ang Lee was with us in this moment. He's good, that Ang. And so damn cute.
Julie: I thought it was pretty.
Aaron: Oh this Hulk is what the Visual Effects nomination is for, I guess.
Julie: There was too much god going on in that film, though.
Julie: Between that and Les Mis, I was godded out.
Aaron: And it is unrelated to the plot.
Aaron: The novel (as you know) has way more god. As does the 1935 film with Fredric March.
Julie: Like Jane Eyre! at least adaptations of that book always cut out the god crap. I don't know why novelists love the god so much.
Aaron: They were old.
Julie: Life of Pi is not old!
Aaron: Oh, Yann Martel isn't! Hahaha. If we can return to The Avengers for the moment. We have totally departed from the actual plot of the film. And now we're watching a set piece. So I guess that's something. I think there's another hour left.
Julie: Hahaha. What beer are you on?
Aaron: I am 2 IPAs in. High alcohol content. Going to open another one now.
Julie: I am also almost done with my second red beer. for some reason, this drink makes me drunk quickly. Perhaps because it tastes like fruit juice.
Julie: This is so bad. Remember Hugo? That film was pretty.
Aaron: It was. But also boring.
Julie: True. But this film is boring and ugly. Killer combo.
Aaron: How did Thor get inside the cell that was supposed to be holding Loki?
Julie: He is magic. Magic hair.
Aaron: I love both of their hair.
Julie: I don't know. His bro's is quite greasy. Oh no! Everyman died!
Julie: Oh, he didn't die after all. So this film isn't homophobic!
Aaron: Um. I think it still is.
Julie: And I think it's racist. So we'll have to agree to disagree.
Aaron: The two are hardly mutually exclusive. As you know.
Julie: Oh, he died. So you are right.
Aaron: Everyone is having a lot of feelings about this guy. We're learning plot information now.
Julie: Poorly crafted exposition.
Aaron: This should be an act three monologue, but there are 50 minutes left in the movie.
Julie: Who wrote this mess? Oh, Zak Penn who wrote every other terrible superhero movie. That explains things.
Aaron: What else did he write? Mark Ruffalo is naked now! Nice.
Julie: The Incredible Hulk. Elektra. X-Men.
Aaron: Oh. Bad shit.
Julie: Fantastic Four, too.
Julie: Yeeeahhhh. COLOR!
Aaron: Why would they even hire him.
Julie: I wish the whole movie looked like this. Oh, it went away. What the fuck was that?
Aaron: That hypercolor was a welcome change.
Julie: That lasted 2 seconds. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Aaron: Seriously. I am drinking more. Jeremy Renner is looking good.
Aaron: Sometimes I like arms.
Julie: As in biceps?
Aaron: Yes. What was the other option? Arms and the Man? What am I, George Bernard Shaw?
Julie: Well it was such an odd comment, I thought it best to clarify.
Aaron: He just called Loki a diva. This movie is getting gaaaaayyyer. This white girl really is very boring. No wonder all the fanboys hate her.
Julie: Scar Jo is white. She is boring too.
Aaron: Yeah. She is.
Julie: "I have an army."
Aaron: "We have a Hulk"
Julie: "I have a Hulk." BAM. hahahahaha
Aaron: Bam? It's so boring.
Julie: I know. I was being sarcastic.
Aaron: These jokes. Performance Issues?
Julie: You like them, remember?
Aaron: Only, like, 1/3 of them.
Julie: That is still way more than is appropriate for a film of this caliber, A-ron.
Aaron: Well I am drinking. It leads one toward generosity.
Julie: And I'm clearly not drinking enough.
Aaron: Well no one is drinking enough to think these special effects are good. I think the war is starting to happen. And not a moment too soon. 100 minutes in.
Julie: There is only... THE WAR. Ahahahahahaha
Aaron: I mean, they look like they're standing in front of a green screen.
Julie: Right? The worst.
Aaron: They're gods from another planet. So they punch each other. They literally must have no access to technologies of any kind.
Julie: What the hell is that?
Julie: It's kind of Transformers-like... I like it. Hahahahahahaha
Aaron: I love Chris Hemsworth's British accent.
Julie: Thor better not die!
Aaron: It really is like Shakespeare in the Park. He will not die. He has to go back to Natalie Portman.
Aaron: It really is shocking how few people of color are in this. You are so right about how racist it is.
Julie: Yes. Sondheim should've scored this.
Julie: Are there any black comic book characters though?
Aaron: Plenty! Who did score this?
Julie: Alan Silvestri.
Aaron: Seriously? The Forrest Gump guy?
Julie: Forrest Gump. Blech. And Beowulf! AHAHAHA
Aaron: Where's your feather theme now, bitch?
Julie: And Lara Croft! He is good.
Aaron: He actually is.
Aaron: I just laughed out loud again. "So... this all seems... horrible."
Julie: Oh, Aaron. You and your jokes.
Aaron: Are we alone in thinking this is bad? I think people liked this movie.
Julie: I think they did too. I don't get it.
Julie: We could probably name at least 5 films that had better effects.
Aaron: I think so too!
Julie: The Academy is ridiculous.
Aaron: As we know. This year is definitely the weirdest year ever, though. Since Driving Miss Daisy and Do the Right Thing, surely. Sam Jax just said "stupid ass decision". I love him.
Julie: Me too. 1990 was a weird year, you are correct.
Aaron: The weirdest year. But 2013 might be weirder.
Julie: I do not like this year. It is making me upset.
Aaron: Oh I am a fan. But, then, I like surprises. As long as I have surprises I'm happy.
Aaron: Hahaha. From, like, the first 2 minutes.
Julie: Whoa. I might as well have not watched any of this. I clearly am retaining nothing.
Aaron: Whenever I crash through glass somehow I manage not to bleed, as well.
Julie: Well, that makes sense.
Aaron: There are another 20 minutes in this flick.
Julie: Indeed. Totally necessary. There's Stellan again! How fun.
Aaron: I can't believe you have missed him this whole time. In act one, Loki converted him to his side like he did with Jeremy Renner.
Julie: Dude, it's the red beer. I blame the red beer. And this film's badness. Oh, whatever. I'd rather be watching him in Dragon Tattoo. Remember that one? Why am I so nostalgic for last year. What a horrible year.
Aaron: Haha. Stellan was not good in Dragon Tattoo. You need to release your love for last year. This year is better. Just weirder.
Julie: I LOVED lots of films this year, but they are all getting backlash now. So I am bitter.
Julie: A bunch? it was only nom'd for five.
Aaron: Well, I think it will take more than Life of Pi.
Julie: I think it will get actress, that is all.
Aaron: You are wrong.
Julie: I don't know, Pi has lots of technology that looks and sounds pretty.
Aaron: Well, I think Zero Dark comes back. Like Black Hawk Down.
Julie: Black Hawk only won 2.
Aaron: Black Hawk made a huge comeback. It was the talk of that year! What was that, 02?
Aaron: I think Zero Dark makes a similar comeback. I could be wrong, obviously, but I think so.
Julie: That's not much of a comeback. It was a slap in the face not to nominate her. Even Ridley got a nom. Oh my god, it's over. What happened?
Aaron: Allegedly there is another 10 minutes in it, though. Must be a button at the end of the credits. There usually is with the Marvel movies.
Julie: Oh I am so excited. And I still have half a beer.
Aaron: So do I!
Julie: I feel we can remedy this.
Aaron: Oh my god so there will be a sequel.
Julie: That was stupid. Of course there will be a sequel. It's a comic book! There will be TEN sequels!
Aaron: Hahahaha. This song was not nominated.
Julie: I don't see why not. It is equally as good as the one from Ted.
Aaron: You exaggerate. The lyric of this song is "Like the sun we will live to rise again"
Julie: "Like the sun we will learn to rise... AGAAAAAAAINNNNNN." HAHA. These lyrics are the best They are definitely equal to those of the Les Mis song.
Aaron: Like the sun we will live to rise. / Like the sun we will live and die.
Julie: Like the sun we will live and die.
Aaron: The sun dies?
Julie: It seems so.
Aaron: This movie sucked. But, Julie: Was it better than Les Mis?
Julie: Oh. I don't know, actually. They were both wretched. And at least this one had Sam Jax. So I think it was better.
Aaron: Like the sun we will live to rise again.
Julie: Well, I wish I could say this was a pleasure... but I'm not sure it was. Wait. There is more! Seriously, what the fuck was that?