Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. —Henry Fielding

15 February 2005

Days You Want to Take Back and Re-Live So You Don't Do the Stupid Shit You Did Today

Don't think 'cuz I understand I care.
Don't think 'cuz I'm talking we're friends.

Boy did I ever fuck up today.
I totally spilled a secret at work that I didn't know I was supposed to keep. Fuck.

It's amazing the things that can happen when I am not on my guard. I try so hard all the time to approach others with generosity and understanding. This doesn't always work. Very frequently, people behave like idiots, and this makes it difficult for me to be generous. Maybe I ought to get out my journal and start following the Julia Cameron path again. I seem to have given up yoga altogether, lazy-ass that I am.

I get so angry with myself when I fuck up like this. It's always when I am not on my guard that I have the potrential to really hurt someone. I forget how powerful I am... and I try so hard to be kind. It's just that sometimes it's so fucking difficult to be kind. Of course it would happen that in a moment of personal weakness, when I lash out in the most nonchalant way at the easiest target imaginable: that would be the moment when I could do the most damage to the dynamic of the office.

What I did is not a big deal in reality. In front of the girls in the office I told one of my bosses something that the girls had been keeping a secret for three years. I didn't know it was a secret. It was one of those really obvious things that an observant person thinks everyone else notices too. Not so. The girls all looked at me like I had killed a baby deer or something. And there is no way to make it up. The secret is out and it's my fucking fault. And the secret is only out because I talk to fucking much and I decided that I wanted to make a joke at someone else's expense at a vastly inopportune moment.

I am mostly disappointed in my own sensitivity and awareness. I should be looking out for those less capable than myself. Instead, in moments of great weakness, I tend to trample.

Here's to waking up and making less of an ass of myself tomorrow.