2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I didn't post a "Summing Up 2017" list. The main reason for that is that I was fairly unhappy last December, and I felt like I just didn't have the energy to sum up anything. My job felt like a dead-end place, my book hadn't found a publisher yet, and I had no time to write because my work schedule was so grueling. My main plan for getting out of that funk was that I was going to do P90X in January. So I worked out every day in the Spring term – by myself, which is crazy! – and my mood improved considerably. I didn't get any writing done in the Spring, but I was much happier. So, I guess we can say that I kept that new year's resolution for sure.
Resolutions for 2019? I want to read a lot more. I plan to send out one article for each semester – so two total in 2019 – and I want to read as much as possible.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Tearrance Chisholm and Latia Stokes had their baby Arson Ali Tyrell on November 28th!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But Tony Hoagland, one of my favorite poets, died in October at age 64.
5. What countries did you visit? México. In 2016, my friend Mark and I went with two friends to Tulúm, Quintana Roo, and we decided to go back this year, this time with two different friends. We visited Chichen Itzá, swam in a cenote, laid on the beach, went snorkeling, spotted some manatees, and happily spent time together.
6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
I need to re-landscape my backyard. Since I left Tallahassee FL for Hanover NH in 2012, I had been renting out my home to tenants. Not all of them were great, and none of them took care of the backyard with any regularity. It looks a bit of a mess at this point, and I need to spend some time and money and get it in a shape that I like.
7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
On April 29th, my friends Matt & Jill got married and I flew to Philadelphia with my friends Walt, Jeanne, Katie, Chris, and George, and we celebrated. It was a beautiful wedding; there was great food; there was excellent dancing; I drank a million manhattans; and I ripped my pants during the reception. They stayed ripped when we went to the afterparty. The entire trip to Philly was amazing: I got to see Deborah Hartranft, visit the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and the Eastern State Penitentiary historic site.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting my new job at Florida State and succeeding in my first term here.
I also did P90X twice through – and I did almost every one of these workouts by myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I failed big-time with a guy I dated in June and July. I failed myself and I failed him. More on this below at #21.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No big illnesses or injuries this year.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought a new French-door-style refrigerator that cost a small fortune but has made my life immeasurably better. (Story: when I moved back into the house they had replaced my old side-by-side refrigerator with a cheap model barely six feet tall that had a freezer on the top and a refrigerator on the bottom. I used it for three days before rebelling completely and demanding, in the style of Oscar Wilde: either this fridge goes or I go. I can understand wanting a freezer on the top if you have children, but otherwise, I find this layout baffling. Why do I want groceries at my feet?)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I was really proud of my graduate students at UCF this year – especially Terence Lee.
All of my friends who had books published this year. You are awesome.
My fitness guru–crushes Colin Land and Jeff Kurtz.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Donald Trump's, obviously, but also so many of Trump's haters, who seem to be filled only with rage against this man and seem resistant to thinking about the more pernicious problems of conservatism, neoliberalism, and the Democratic Party in the U.S. Trump is terrible, certainly, but so is much of our government. Pretending like Trump is the only problem is a depressing red herring.
Republican voters also continue to make me sad and bewildered. I am no Democrat, as most of you know, and so I understand resistance to that party, but to vote Republican at this juncture in history is to concede that that party's support of racism, police brutality, political corruption, corporate oligarchy, nationalism, environmental destruction, military despotism, and neo-colonialism is a good thing. How is it that so many people are on the side of all of these evil things?
14. Where did most of your money go?
Taxes. Seriously. I just looked at my checkbook and over 21% of my expenses went to taxes. I am officially middle class, I guess.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Dates with J.
Quitting my old job at UCF.
The American Society of Theatre Research conference – which ended up getting mostly canceled.
Going back to Tulúm.
Closing night of As You Like It, which involved an enormous Endstation Theatre Company reunion.
Any time I went to have dim sum.
16. What song will always remind you of 2018?
The Barr Brothers - "Even the Darkness Has Arms"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner.
c) richer or poorer? Richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Brunch.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sitting in meetings with obstructionist co-workers.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Headed to California on the 17th of December, where I will holiday with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2018?
I did. I started dating a Christian guy in Virginia in early June. He is a bit younger than me, but we got along great, and I had a pretty wonderful time with him. We spent great evenings walking around downtown Lynchburg. He held my hand and kissed me as much as he could. We talked and walked and made love and went on hikes and looked around museums and explored bookstores together. He even took me around Liberty's campus and put his arms around me and showed me the campus. It was great. We spent 7 weeks with one another, and then he decided that after I left Virginia and moved back to Florida he was going to give a good Christian life a try again. For him, our relationship was something that he didn't want either to continue or to repeat. He tried to make me feel better about this in his way – he thought it might make it hurt less for me to know that I would be the last guy he dated. And he liked me a lot – we had great sex, great conversations, great connection. But he doesn't want to be a gay man. He believes homosexuality and Christianity are mutually exclusive. It was pretty hard for me to disagree with this, since I mostly agree.
I thought I would be ok when I left Virginia, but I missed J way more than I expected, and I wasn't ready to be done with our relationship.
I would try to communicate with him, and he would reply curtly. But then I sort of moved into a place of desperation and sadness with our relationship. While my life was going great in every other way, I couldn't make this man want to be with me. I just kept hoping he would want to come back. I visited Virginia a week ago, and J told me, politely but firmly, that he didn't want to see me. And now I feel like I finally understand that and can take that in.
I want J to be happy. I wish him only the best. I hope he can find the peace that he is trying to find. I wanted, desperately, for him to want us to be together. But I know now that I pushed him too hard, asked too much. He will have to come to his own conclusions about queerness and his relationship with it.
About a decade ago I fell in love with a different guy during a summer in Virginia. That guy pulled at my heart for years afterward, but now I can see him or look at a picture of him and just smile, without the pain of wishing our relationship was something else. And I know that I'll reach that at some point with J. For now, though, I'm going to try to love him the way he is asking me to love him: by leaving him alone to figure things out.
22. How many one-night stands?
One. Oops. This number is sort of sad.
Update as of 12/11: Two.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
I only watched RuPaul's Drag Race season 10, RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars season 3, and the final season of The Leftovers. I loved all of them.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I have tried hard to resist this, but I'm afraid so.
25. What was the best book you read?
I keep track of this on GoodReads.
André Aciman's Call Me by Your Name
Hillary Miller's Drop Dead: Performance in Crisis, 1970s New York
Two classics: Thornton Wilder's The Bridge of San Luis Rey and E.M. Forster's Maurice.
One book of poetry: Chen Chen's When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities
Also... I had never before read Shakespeare's Henry IV, Part One, and, well, everyone aside from me already knew this, but it's easily one of Shakespeare's best plays.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Mostly I just listened to Max Richter, Philip Glass, and Ryuichi Sakamoto on repeat. Oh and Giuseppe Verdi.
But I guess the last third of my year involved me listening to a great deal of Robyn's album Honey.
27. What was the best piece of theatre you saw?
Dominic Cooke's revival of Sondheim and Goldman's Follies. It was astounding.
28. What did you want and get?
An amazing new job. An advance contract for The Violate Man. A vacation with Mark. An incredible second date with J. An unexpected summer of fun hanging out with friends (especially Matt and Hubbard).
29. What did you want and not get?
Basically everyone I voted for in November. Florida, man. Folks are a mess here.
Several guys who clearly swiped left when I swiped right. Haha.
Shangela as the winner of All Stars 3.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
So far it's Daniela Thomas's Vazante. But since I apparently love ranking black-and-white South American films about colonialism in my #1 slot (see El Abrazo de la Serpiente) and I haven't seen Roma yet, I may be changing my tune later this month. In truth, there are currently fifty films on the list of movies I still want to see from 2018, and who knows what gems are out there.
Update from 12/31: Kore-eda Hirokazu's Shoplifters. It's perfect.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 37. I worked out, I packed for México, and my friends Walt and Jeanne had me over for dinner. It was great.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I am not sure, honestly. This was a very satisfying year. I wish I had traveled more, honestly, and I wish the airport here flew to more places. I also wish there were more opportunities for good cultural activities in Tallahassee – theatre, concerts, dance, film. That would be nice. But I guess I'm going to have to get used to that.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Wear a tie when you teach. When you're not teaching, a tightly fitting polo goes nicely with a pair of biceps.
34. What kept you sane?
Group chat with Patrick, Alex, and Ryan.
Cocktail hour with Tate.
Texting with Kody.
Foucault and Seneca, as always.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Beck Bennett
Riz Ahmed
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Have we legalized marijuana everywhere yet? This is absurd.
37. Whom did you miss?
Dayne.
Anthony.
Yasser.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My new colleagues at Florida State. Especially Tarik, Chari, Sukanya, Meredith, Jason, Jessica, Allison, Greg, and Antonia.
39. Tell us a valuable life-lesson you learned in 2018:
Almost everything we say that we have to do is something that we are, in fact, choosing to do. In other words, we actually have reasons for doing the things that we don't really want to do – usually because of some trade-off or to lay the groundwork for something else down the road. I've learned that it is imperative to look at these tasks not as burdens or things that we don't have a choice about. I do have a choice, and I'm actively choosing to do this thing for reasons I understand. When I look at these undesirable tasks in this way, I begin to see a bigger picture, and my work on these tasks seems less like drudgery and more like something that is very important because it is going to lead me to what I actually want.
40. Share an important quote from 2018:
Sometimes we are asked
to get good at something we have
no talent for,
or we excel at something we will never
have the opportunity to prove.
Often we ask ourselves
to make absolute sense
out of what just happens,
and in this way, what we are practicing
is suffering,
which everybody practices,
but strangely few of us
grow graceful in.
—from “Self-Improvement” by Tony Hoagland
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