Oscar Nominees 2013: Part 11 of 13

Hitchcock

1 Nomination

• Hair & Makeup

Director: Sacha Gervasi

Cast: Helen Mirren, Anthony Hopkins, Danny Huston, Scarlett Johannson, Toni Collette, Jessica Biel, James D'Arcy

Apparently no one in the Academy liked this picture, because although Mirren looked like a shoo-in for a Best Actress nomination, she was beat out by five actresses, none of whom is as famous as she. Mirren already has an Oscar, of course (the year The Queen came out no one talked about anyone else), so the other five needed their nominations much more than she, and I can't feel too sorry for her, especially since her role really isn't that interesting here. Truth be told, the acting really isn't the showcase in Hitchcock, and Anthony Hopkins (despite being an Oscar-winner himself) was apparently on no one's radar as a Best Actor candidate. Now, I liked this movie. I thought it was charming and quite funny in a totally unrealistic, whimsical sort of way that the film cultivated. But I thought the prosthetics used to make Hopkins look like Hitchcock were decidedly unsuccessful and did nothing but look like prosethetics. I didn't believe them for one second, and indeed found Hopkins' look so distracting that I couldn't take even his serious scenes seriously. And though the Academy has often nominated the people-in-fat-suits look for Best Makeup (Norbit, Click, The Nutty Professor), those films rarely have gone on to win the Oscar. Don't expect Sacha Gervasi's film to take home a little gold man either.

Will Win: N/A

Could Win: N/A

My Rating: #38 out of 65

Chasing Ice

1 Nomination

• Original Song: J. Ralph

Director: Jeff Orlowski

Cast: James Balog, Svavar Jonatansson, Adam LeWinter, Louie Psihoyos, Kitty Boone, Orlowski

This is one of the only nominees this year that I haven't seen. I guess I'll see it eventually, but Chasing Ice has not been released anywhere near where I live. If you haven't heard the nominated song, you should click here to hear it. It's a song about – well, actually, I am not quite sure what it's about (maybe growing old before one ought to?) – anyway its melody is quite beautiful. It is also sung by Scarlett Johansson, who goes quite flat on the low notes, but whose voice is lovely when it is in range.

Will Win: N/A

Could Win: N/A

My Rating: Not Ranked - Documentary

Ted

1 Nomination

• Song: Seth MacFarlane & Walter Murphy

Director: MacFarlane

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane, Giovanni Ribisi, Joel McHale, Patrick Warburton, Patrick Stewart, Jessica Barth

I really disliked this movie, but I should perhaps start by saying that I love Mark Wahlberg. I love Mark Wahlberg so much that I think his movies are worth seeing just because he is in them even when they are terrible movies. Still, Ted made me pretty irritated. The Oscar-nominated song in the movie, which plays over the opening credits, is charming enough, I suppose, if unmemorable, but I really want to just take this moment to voice my complete bafflement over the exclusion of John Legend's awesome "Who Did That to You?" from the Best Original Song category. Seriously, that song is so good and it comes at a crucial turning point in Django Unchained that is instantly memorable. My companions and I all left the theatre talking about that song. With Ted I left the theatre talking about Giovanni Ribisi.

Will Win: N/A

Could Win: N/A

My Rating: #56 out of 65

Norbit

I actually sat through Brian Robbins's film Norbit in its entirety. Like last year's Click, I would never have watched Norbit except that it was nominated by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences for an Oscar in the category of Best Makeup. (An award it should probably win. The makeup really is excellent. But in service of what must be the most atrocious, tasteless film of the year.)

Norbit stars Eddie Murphy as a nebbish orphan who marries an enormously fat black woman who bullies him and makes his life hell. Murphy, of course, also plays the wife (her name is Rasputia). Murphy also plays Mr. Wong, the Chinese man who runs the adoption agency where Norbit lived as a child. The film also stars the totally gorgeous Thandie Newton, Cuba Gooding Jr., Eddie Griffin (the only funny person in the movie), and Katt Williams.

The main thing about Norbit is that it should never have been made. The amount of time and effort that was spent on something this ridiculous, this offensive and this pointless is mind-boggling. It's extremely poorly directed, with some absolutely terrible acting at times. The plot is paper-thin and is really just an excuse for fat joke after fat joke after fat joke. If this isn't completely offensive, I don't know what is. And it isn't even funny. And the film makes it seem as though Rasputia's weight is not just heavy, but immeasurable. She is heavy like an anvil in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. She busts through walls with her weight, and empties pools by landing in them, though she is never injured or hurt in any way. All that weight, I guess, keeps her from being injured. Fat people, it seems, don't actually feel anything.

The penultimate sequence in the film sees Mr. Wong (who has a love of whaling) yelling "Whale Ho!" and throwing a makeshift harpoon at Rasputia. He hits her, you guessed it, directly in her asshole. Aside from being completely preposterous, it's a sanitized and valorized image of anal rape! Rasputia, of course, is not injured, because fat people don't have any feelings, or even nerve endings. She speeds off like Wile E. Coyote and flees the town.

A horrific movie. Not as boring as Becoming Jane, but horrific nonetheless.