Seen in Virginia

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Seen Around Tallaclassy #7

I know this series has been away for a while, but today I came across this on the East side of town:

Uforia? Seriously? Now, I understand that the person who runs this establishment – which boasts, for the record, seafood and sushi, as well as an international buffet – probably knows that his/her spelling of the word euphoria is not the correct spelling of the word. The owner is likely being clever somehow or thinks a u and an f look cooler or more hip or something than an e and the old p and h combination. But I find it baffling. (I am similarly baffled by Krispy Kreme and its excessive and oddly placed Ks. For that matter, there was a gay club here for a while called Rayn and I never grasped why a y was supposed to have looked any cooler than an i.)

The thing is, why should a place called Uforia do any better with the international buffet set than a place called simply Euphoria? And who is the guy who goes: "I know what'll make the place look and sound cooler, we'll call it Uforia!" I call shenanigans on this restaurant.

All Before 2.00p

Two stories. Unrelated. Mostly silly.

I

I went to a series of talks this morning on campus that is supposed to be educational for graduate students as they try to find faculty positions. When the University sponsors these things things I like to go, and it was really helpful, actually, and there was free food at lunchtime.

But at some point this one boring guy was talking about funding and the office of funding on campus or somesuch business – it was boring; I've forgotten – and he referred to something as a "Mexican standoff" and then awkwardly sort of said "sorry about the metaphor" in this way that people have nowadays where they acknowledge the fact that they know what they've said is inappropriate but that they don't actually care whether or not it is inappropriate and that we oughtn't to either.

Now, I am not really sure if I think the phrase "Mexican standoff" is offensive. Mostly because I don't know why it would be offensive, but the moment this guy says it, and then follows it up with his not-at-all-an-apology apology, I get a little angry. I'm mad, of course, at the fact that he thinks it is unimportant that we  care about whether or not language is offensive. In other words, what is offensive is his attitude, here, not his "Mexican standoff" phrase.

And then a lovely young woman at my table says to her companion: Why does it have to be a Mexican standoff? Why can't it just be a standoff?
Thank you, I said. What about this standoff (in the office of the United States government, it should be pointed out) makes it Mexican?

II

And then on the way home, I am behind a rather nice, family sedan:

 

The bumper sticker says I see your point but I still think you're full of shit. 

You'll notice that on the sticker itself the last three words are considerably larger than the rest of the text. This means that the person behind this car reads full of shit before she reads the remainder of the sticker. The overall effect is quite classy.

Seen Around Talla-Classy #6

I know I am constantly calling images and movies and narratives racist or homophobic or both. It's a habit of mine; and I'm probably not going to stop any time soon, so just go with me, okay?

Anyway, here's a new one. This is a billboard I have seen two places around Tallahassee so far. I snapped this picture on my way into work the other day: The advertisement isn't hateful outright, of course. A small white boy, who is the focus of the advertisement, appears to be doing some kind of writing project while two white girls, who appear to be in a similar learning environment, look, not at their own assignment, but at the boy's assignment. Their middle-aged white teacher also looks directly at the boy's writing assignment. Everyone in the image appears to being enjoying the scenario. The boy (clever young man that he is) has obviously written or drawn something quite delightful.

From here, I look at the text in the advertisement. What do these happy white people want me to buy? NORTH FLORIDA Christian School ...Your best option. It is here where I start to get a little irritated. The phrase "best option" asks me to immediately imagine options other than the one in the image. And what are those options? Well, in Tallahassee, a city with a white population of 60% and an African-American population of 35%, those options would definitely include a school with at least one black kid, I am guessing. There are two middle schools that are fewer than six blocks away from this billboard and neither of them (OBVIOUSLY) has an all-white population. ...And yet this advertisement seems to say that an all-white education is an option. You don't have to send your kids to those other schools. Send them to our all-white Christian school!

The other element that I want to talk about in this image is the androcentrism of the image. Clearly the boy's education is the focus of this advertisement. The woman and the two girls have their attention focused on the white boy at the image's center. But where are the other boys? For that matter, are there male instructors at this school? The image seems to me—and you may call this a stretch if you like—to be deliberately avoiding any notion of homosociality between both boys and other boys or boys and grown men. What is going on here?

Perhaps it is the too-sensitive gay man in me, but I see heterosexism all over this image. Again, this has to do with the ideas the advertisement itself suggests. "Your best option" asks me what the other options are. And what are the other options? Aside from those options including people of color, they might also include other boys or perhaps male instructors. Instead, the image says that those options are not the "best option." Instead, send your little white boy to our school and we will make sure that he grows up without any other males around him! He will socialize only with women and he will grow up to love them and get married!

It should go without saying that the advertisement is not at all interested in the education of either of the two young women in the image.

I find this advertisement fascinating, even stunning. I suppose it is unremarkable, really, but I feel like I have never been around racism as much as since I have lived in the South. It is really intriguing to me. And I find that almost every time I see an image that strikes me as racist, that image is linked somehow with a privileged heterosexuality. I suppose, after all, racism and homophobia go hand in hand. An attempted sexual control over a population is necessarily and inevitably going to be related to a notion of racial purity. I mean, why else even bother with sexual purity except to keep my family from biologically uniting with that family over there.

What do you think?

Seen Around Talla-classy #5

This is not a proper "Seen in Talla-classy" entry, but as I was walking around the mall in Tallahassee today, I was truly horrified by some of the ensembles people feel free to leave the house wearing. Which reminded me that I wanted to post a random Tallahassee memento.

I noticed something absurdly hilarious as I was watching Beautiful Thing this week. Near the very end of the film, Ste's abusive, homophobic father is getting dressed. Ste is waiting for him to leave so that he can iron his shirt and go the neighborhood gay bar with his boyfriend. Ste's dad puts on a hideous green/denim jacket monstrosity and then, on his head (click to enlarge):



A Florida State Seminoles hat. FSU represent! Aside from being completely out of place with that jacket (what wouldn't be out of place with that jacket?) this is a film about Londoners, and this man is going to a boxing match. It is a fashion statement truly worthy of Tallahassee.

Story Time from Talla-classy

So I went to the coffee shop this evening to grade papers. My coffee shop used to be called The Coffee Pub and it used to be open until midnight, but now it is under new management and it is called the Red Eye and it is only open until 10:00p. Let me repeat. It is called the red eye and is open until 10:00p. Ridiculous. Anyway, there I am grading papers and I look up momentarily and my eyes meet with this white guy (maybe about 28 years old or so) who is obviously looking at me. I smile. He does that head nod thing guys do (I do it too.) I go back to my papers.

I hear "whatcha doin'?" and I look up again.
"Gradin' papers," I say. I smile again. I am being polite. I go back to my papers. Thirty seconds pass or so. This paper is kinda bad. Sometimes my students are lazy.

"Mind if I come over?" he says. He is already coming over.
"Well, I mean, a friend of mine is meeting me here."
He is unfazed. "Oh, well I will leave when they get here."
"Okay," I say. "Have a seat."

This man is obviously drunk. The telltale signs are all there. He is slightly slurring his words. He seems to have trouble focusing; he looks into my face as though he is trying to make it make sense. His depth perception is off and he almost spills his coffee twice. He knocks his cookie off the table into his lap and then picks it up and eats it.

He keeps asking me questions: So you are a grad student? Where do you teach? What do you study? Do you like it? How old are your students? What do you want to do when you are done? It would be nice if he weren't drunk. And if he weren't straight.

He makes a comment about a female customer's derriere. I try to smile. "Sorry to keep bugging you," he says.
I am still trying to be polite. I tell him he isn't bugging me.

After about forty minutes I tell him that I should get back to my papers before it gets too late.
"Whaddya say you and I go next door and get a glass of wine? Those papers can wait until tomorrow morning."
"I don't think so," I say. "I have a lot to do and this needs to get done tonight."
He insists: "Aw come on. A little vino."
I again tell him no.
He gets up. Okay, well if you change your mind I will be next door at the wine bar."
"Okay Mike, good to meet you."
"Maybe we will run into one another again," he says.

My question is: what did this guy want? Straight people baffle me sometimes. I mean, I guess he was just being sociable, and it wasn't too awkward except for the fact that he was really drunk at 7:30 in the evening, but why me? It seems so odd to pick the one gay guy in the room and go strike up a conversation and then invite him out for a drink. He was obviously straight, so what gives?

Weird.

Seen Around Talla-classy #4

I had a fabulous Thanksgiving as usual here in Talla-classy. Many of the people in the theatre department are really good cooks, and I really like spending the entire day drinking wine and eating food. I made my Baked Macaroni & Cheese (the one with jalapeños in it, yum) and Cranberry Relish. Other people brought twice-baked potatoes, yams, corn pudding, stromboli, green beans, stuffing. I can't remember what else, but we deep-fried a twenty-one-pound turkey and it came out delicious. And there was lots of cheese and crackers to start off the day. And then of course there was lots of dessert. I didn't eat any of that, really. I never really want dessert on Thanksgiving. I only really want carbohydrates.

I was quite full by about 8:00p, so I decided to take a little walk around the neighborhood, where I stumbled upon this:

Now, I know the picture is kinda dark. It was evening, and the flash was having issues (for some reason it didn't want to pick up the huge trailer; it was more interested in the security signs in front of the house.) But this is someone's driveway.

I don't know about you guys, but I can think of no reason to have a trailer in one's driveway that advertises for Thomas' English Muffins. What is the story here? Any ideas?

I helped some friends move on Friday morning (I was not hung-over at all, amazingly), and on the way to their new digs, I caught the following with my camera phone:

I cannot tell you how much I love this picture. I only noticed this sign because I thought to myself: fifty cents for an ice cream sandwich! That is a fantastic price for such a delicious little item! And then I thought: oh, wow, that must be a pretty old sign if they are that cheap. And then I looked again: SANDWICHS. Right. Or maybe the person selling them is just an idiot.

One more. After work the other day, I spent most of the ride home behind a guy with the following bumper sticker:

I love geese, too. I wonder if we are having one for Christmas dinner...

Seen Around Talla-classy #3

This one is a little late, but:

Now, what is this person thinking? I actually can't figure it out. Does this driver like Sarah Palin? The sticker is obviously sexist and demeaning toward Mrs. Palin, but what I think is weird is that I think the sticker might be in support of the McCain/Palin ticket. So strange.
Of course, I put this question forward to one of my (heterosexual male) students and he said—and I quote—"That person definitely supports Palin; MILF is never a derogatory term." I disagree, certainly, but I take his point. Weird.

The other sign I wish to share with you is from my ride home from work:

I have nothing to add. I can sort of make out "milk," "beer," and "bread," and it also looks like they were at some point selling 32 oz. sodas (what gas station doesn't?) but what in the hell is the rest of it?

Seen Around Talla-classy #2

I am continuing this series of amusing signs that I have photographed around Talla-classy.

Summers Realty, evidently, has figured out something that hardly any of us can figure out:

Evidently, if you buy your home through Summers Realty, you won't have any fights at home.

Next, we have Carlos' Cuban Café, where they have a fascinating new beverage item on their menu:

I imagine mojitos con camarones and mojitos con jamón and mojitos con albóndigas. Gross.

This next photo is an honest advertisement that doesn't really have anything wrong with it, but:

I mean, aren't all Vera Bradley patterns retired? I feel like anyone who carries a Vera Bradley purse is already attempting to look like they collect social security.

...And I meant to get a photo of the bumper sticker I saw last week that said "Chicks 4 Palin: God, Family Values, Guns, & Lipstick" but I was camera-less on that occasion.

Seen Around Talla-classy

I spotted this one on the way home from the coffee shop I frequent. Note the many abilities of the sign's owner:

I am confused what that word "Jamaican" is doing there, though. I assume it's Jamaican barbecue (yum) but is William's last name Jamaican?

I don't know why I found the following sign funny, but this is from my way into work:

Perhaps what I found funny is the implication of buffalo testicles that the sign seems to offer...

And now for my favorite:

The quotation marks around "prayer" make me envision a little man making quotes with fingers around each side of his head as he says "prayer". It's as if prayer doesn't even exist and though the sticker claims that it works, it knows the claim is hollow and can only be said with irony.

The Lord

If you know me well at all you know I am very particular about the phrases "with the Lord" (which means that whatever you're describing is religious in some way) and "from the Lord" (which basically means "Heavenly").
If I bake a cheesecake and it tastes good, that is from the Lord.
If we're--for example--talking about a boy who says he's straight but we all know he'll come out of the closet soon, and we wonder aloud why he's still in the closet even though he loves musical theatre and always wants to go shoe shopping, someone or other might say "oh, it's 'cause he's with the Lord" and then we would all nod understandingly.

To review:
Chik-fil-A is with the Lord (they're closed on Sundays).
Good espresso is from the Lord (it tastes good and it wakes you up).
In N Out Burger is both with the Lord (religious) and from the Lord (delicious).

Got it?

I have been using these phrases around school, of course, and my colleagues are slowly but surely picking it up. To wit: The following is an email I got from a colleague this evening from one of the MFA technical directors:

I visited Dxxx at Glimmerglass this weekend. Last night, as we were sitting around the campfire, we got to talking about women we found attractive. One particular name came up, and I said, "Too bad she's with the Lord." And then Dxxx said, "Yeah, but her body is from the Lord." And then we toasted your name.

Miss you. Hope your summer's going well.

Rxxx

That's what I'm here for, people.

P.S. In case you didn't know: I'm an atheist.

"It's Certainly Cheaper Than a Tranny"

Last night on my way to safety meeting, I went to turn right and suddenly my car wouldn't go anywhere. I thought maybe I had accidentally bumped the car into neutral, because that's what it felt like. I shifted the car into neutral and then into drive, but the car wouldn't move. I shifted into reverse: nothing. Back into drive: nothing. So I shifted it into neutral, got out and pushed the car into a parking lot, sort of steering the wheel and pushing at the same time. I don't know how I got the thing over a curb by myself, but somehow I did. Then I walked over to the bar (it was only about a block away) and got two of my friends to help me push the car the rest of the way into the lot.
All of this shifting meant that I was pretty sure it was the transmission that was the problem. So I had the car towed to my usual mechanic. They open at 8:00a on Saturdays, so I figured I'd leave them the key with a little note in their night drop-box and then call them around 8:15 or so to tell them about the car.
They called me at 8:05 to tell me that it wasn't the transmission at all, but the right axle, which they could fix for $200.00. "Certainly cheaper than a tranny," he said. He called me again at five minutes after nine to tell me that it was fixed and I could pick it up whenever I was ready.
So no new-car shopping for me this week. My car is just fine. It is a piece of junk, of course, but as the AAA man wisely said to me as he hoisted my Honda Civic onto his tow-truck, "They all have their problems."
True story, tow-truck man. True story.

A Trip to Cost Plus

So this week I tried to order some chocolate from my favorite Vegas chocolatier Vosges Haut Chocolat, but when I got to the checkout screen, my $7.00 order rang up as $35.00. It seems that because I live in a hot climate (no kidding) Vosges will only ship to me UPS Next Day Air. Well, I was not about to pay $35.00 for a chocolate bar, so I vetoed that order and did a little search on the website to see if I could purchase Vosges in a store somewhere close to me. No such luck. No Vosges retailers within 150 miles of Tallahassee. Big surprise. I had to let that go.

Now, I have totally become obsessed with Kettle Foods' Krinkle Cut potato chips. My favorite flavor is the Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper (the tagline "the yin yang of spice" might be a bit of an oversell, but these are damn good chips.) And of course these chips are practically nowhere to be found in Tallahassee.

...Except at Cost Plus World Market, the store that seemingly has every imported food item I want. I still can't find a store that sells fresh Thai basil, but one can't have everything; it's Tallahassee. We don't have a Trader Joe's either. At any rate, back to the matter at hand:
I went on a little errand run to the World Market and the gas station and to the FSU library. At World Market I stocked up on the essentials: Czechvar lager, Thai red curry paste, this amazing mustard with horseradish that I love, the best iced tea ever, and my beloved krinkle cut chips. I can't find this stuff anywhere except World Market. But I walk into World Market and there it all is. It's fantastic!

And while browsing in the store, what did I come upon in the chocolate aisle, but a chocolate bar called Red Fire. By Vosges. They also carry the Creole bar. They don't carry some of the other awesome candy bars (I really want to try the Bacon one and the Oaxaca is better than Red Fire) but this completely and totally made my day. Vosges in Tallahassee. Who woulda thought?

From Stinkylulu

I got tagged with this this morning, so I'm passing on the love.

5 People who will be annoyed that you tagged them:

A Work in Progress

4 Things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth:

AIDS

Organized religion

The two-party system

Bad Mexican food: if you don't know how to make it, don't serve it.

3 Things people do that make you want to shake them violently:

Refusing to vote. Some of my friends do this and it makes my head explode with confusion.

Turning right on a red light when they're not in the right lane. This makes me crazy.

Lying. People shouldn't lie.

2 Things you find yourself moaning about:

My neighbors think that the street is an okay place to store their giant garbage cans. So they just leave them on the street in perpetuity.

The humidity in Tallahassee. It's debilitating. It makes me want to cry.

1 Thing the above answers tell you about yourself:

Either I'm really serious and politically-minded or it's really hard for me to come up with personal stuff to complain about.

RULES: Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it’s all about! ~ Be as honest as possible. This is about letting people get to know the real you! ~ Try not to insult anyone - unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly! ~ Post these rules at the end of every meme!

Weather Report

The weather here is positively vile. It's hot and muggy because it's Florida, but it's also completely overcast as though it might rain at any moment, and the air is filled with ash because of the fires which are burning close to Tallahassee. Hopefully it will rain. This is disgusting. It makes me want to do nothing all day.

Picture Share

I took this picture a couple days ago. This is the Popeyes across the street from the North side of campus. Wow.

Road Trip as Seen Through Text Messaging

The following were sent out via Julie's cell phone to our circle of friends as we travelled:

We're driving through the scenic Mojave Desert of Arizona and still no arrests...

Oh my goodness, the Grand Canyon...

Goodbye Grand Canyon... Eagar, Arizona, here we come!

We're gonna hit the town in Eagar, AZ, however EVERYTHING is closed except for Booga Red's Cantina...

In New Mex, the land of enchantment. Cops are everywhere. Luckily they didn't see us hit that low-flying bird...

Texas gets one lone star in my book. We miss you guys!

The only beauty that Tex-ass holds is Marfa and Chingy.

Chingy got us wasted then took us to see the Marfa Lights. They were unexplainably amazing—but that just may be the sake talking...

DAY 4: Destination—Houston, East Texas. Arrests: 0 so far. Cool places in Tex-ass: 1. Run-ins with the law: 2. Being called "y'all" too many times to count: priceless.

Is anyone out there in the far-away land of Cali?

Houston is hot, muggy, and crowded... just like Lisa's bed. :)

Drunk in Houston, y'alls. Yee haw!

Mornin' y'all. We're fixin' to go to Mobile, Alabama today. We sure is missing you folks!

Finally out of rainy, tree-lined, swamp-filled Louisiana and into the great state of Mississippi, which, oddly enough, looks EXACTLY the same.

We's made it! We're here in this Alabama! We's fuckin' hungry for some dos' chitlins! We done love y'alls!

39 hours down: 3 to go... FLORIDA OR BUST!!!

Here comes the sunshine state... Tallahassee: approx. 70 more miles!

We're here and we're queer!

Just finished the first walk-through of Aaron's house and it's fabulous! We have to stay in a hotel tonight, but we'll be in the house tomorrow.

Guess what we're doing? That's right! Drinking it up at the hotel lobby bar. We're soooo high class...

Tallahassee Nights: The Ballad of Aaron Julie.

We're no longer homeless! Aaron got his keys!

We are sitting on the patio at Julie's Bar and Grill in Tallahassee, Florida! Aptly named, I feel...

Well everyone, the journey has ended and we are currently headed to the Jacksonville Airport. Aaron was thoroughly surprised by the arrival of Aines, James and DJ D-Wreck. For more info on the trip, feel free to call A-ron or make an appointment to see me. It's been real...

I feel like the texts got less and less sane-sounding as we went along. Hm...

I still have no internet at home (a home I don't own quite yet, much to my chagrin), but my phone is in good working order, though I'm feeling reticent to talk to anyone. I'm in bad stress-out mode and will be until escrow closes on this fucking house. Much love to the blogosphere. I miss you!

I have lots of photos which I will post as soon as I can and there will be blogs to come and emails answered when I have DSL up at my house...

Aaron

Adventures in Tallahassee

My brother and I flew out of LAX at 7:10a on Thursday morning and arrived without event in Memphis, TN, heading from there to Tallahassee's little regional airport in one of those aircraft they call puddle jumpers (i.e. the noisiest fricking airplane you ever sat in.) Michael made me laugh the whole way there, as tired as we were. He decided that our cabin attendant looked exactly like a pterodactyl on the flight (and he was absolutely right), so he started making pterodactyl squawking noises in addition to this sound that was supposed to resemble her flapping her enormous leathery wings. He carried on like this for the 90 minutes of the flight, making me laugh the entire time. I swear, this shit never got old. I could barely contain myself. We were both pretty hungry by this time and had started to get a little slap-happy. We invented images of the pterodactyl hatching and emerging from her shell, snatching fish from the sea, and being killed by dinosaurs larger than she. It was hilarious.

We got to TLH without much trouble. I had my rental car waiting, and we headed to the hotel. I, of course, got lost. California is so much easier to navigate. The signs in Florida (and in Virginia, too) lead to nowhere. It's impossible not to get lost your first time there. The signs don't mean a damn thing and none of the streets have names. They're all called FL-131 or FL-93 or FL-199. It's out of control.
Our hotel was a total hole in the ground: disgusting, really, but it was just outside of the campus, so it ended up being very convenient for me. I was able to walk all over the campus and look at everything. Most of the buildings (even the theatre) were unlocked and open and I walked right in to all of them, just checking it out. The campus is unbelievable. There must be a hundred and fifty buildings, each and every one of which is made out of red brick. It's absolutely gorgeous. Mike and I also went over to the football stadium after we ate some barbecue (I regrettably ordered fried corn) and it was open too! We walked out into the arena and checked it out. It must be the biggest football stadium I've ever seen. Here are a few pics from the internet. Mike took some with his camera, but I don't have them yet...

I mean, look at the thing. It's massive. It's also surrounded by all of these different atheltic fields: soccer, baseball, practice football fields. It's crazy.

The weather is shockingly bad. Although, I must admit I started to get used to it after a day or two. It's hot like palm desert but the humidity is such that it feels like a scarf of warm water is wrapped around you at all times. As though someone were walking behind you and spraying you with water as you walk around. And there's no wind until late in the evening, like 9:00 or so, and that was just a paltry breeze, really. The good thing is that everyone, and I mean everyone has air conditioning. You walk into McDonald's and there's air conditioning. Every building, every restaurant, every room that can be cooled is cooled.

I signed a contract for my house at like 1:00p on Friday after looking at, like, six or so developments. It's not built yet. It's part of a new subdivision in Tallahassee called... oh, something or other... and it's beautiful. It's a lot of money and of course I'm terrified, but it'll be big enough that I can have a roommate again and be able to make my payment lower. The area around the school is not very nice, I have to admit. And it's the South: another thing that I find really scary. I'm going to be out there in the South all by myself with a new house and no friends. But being scared doesn't really help me much, so I'm not going to bother too much about it. I wil try to recognize my fears and own them and then push past them. This is what I'm doing and this is where I'm going and I am going to succeed.

We came back yesterday at around 8:00p. Mike and I spent, like, eleven hours in airports. At one point we couldn't get into Memphis because of weather and the pilot landed us in Jackson, MS for about an hour without letting us deplane. Then, once we got into Memphis we were stuck there for another two hours waiting to get home. It was a nightmare.

But I'm here now and happy to be back in Pasadena. I will miss it here so much I cannot even tell you. Being in Tallahassee for two days made me miss its stores and restaurants and culture like mad. I know I will miss my friends a lot, but spending as much time as I do alone, I think I will miss being able to be by myself in a city like this more than anything else.

Sigh.

Okay. I have stuff to do. Impossibly, I almost have my cast for my R&J project and there is much to be done.