Oscar Nominees 2014: Part 7 of 14

The Lone Ranger

2 Nominations

• Visual Effects
• Makeup

Director: Gore Verbinski

Cast: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Tom Wilkinson, William Fichtner, Ruth Wilson, Bryant Prince, James Badge Dale, Helena Bonham Carter, Barry Pepper, Saginaw Grant, James Frain

I was too drunk actually to remember what happened in this hot mess of racism, makeup, and visual effects. Just know that I thought it was basically Rango with humans. And I hated Rango. Apparently, however, the Academy kind of loves Gore Verbinski, and they still love Johnny Depp even though he only makes terrible movies these days. Still, The Lone Ranger, is a new low, and the nominations for this film were a bit of a surprise to me. If you're going to nominate a good effects-driven film, why not Elysium or Pacific Rim? I mean, those movies are actually good. The parts I liked about this movie were probably the costume design, which was fun, and the score, which used Giacchino Rossini's music too much to be eligible for Academy consideration. Ah well. In any case, The Lone Ranger won't be winning any Oscars. Trust that.

Will Win: N/A

Could Win: N/A

My Rating: #74 out of 80

Before Midnight

1 Nomination

• Adapted Screenplay: Julie Delpy (Before Sunset) & Ethan Hawke (Before Sunset) & Richard Linklater (Before Sunset)

Director: Linklater

Cast: Delpy, Hawke, Walter Lassally, Athina Rachel Tsangari, Panos Koronis, Yannis Papadopoulos, Ariane Labed, Xenia Kalogeropoulou

This film is brilliant. One of my favorites of the year. I still do not understand why this goes in the Adapted Screenplay category. The script is not at all adapted from anything. It makes no sense. But this film deserves every accolade it gets. It is a film about talking, about talking through the difficult periods in the life of a couple. And this couple fights and says unforgivable things, and then they forgive. It is an extraordinary portrait of love and disappointment and loss and (I can't believe I'm about to say this) heterosexuality. But it is a kind of interrogated heterosexuality. One that actively wonders about gender dynamics and feminism and expectations. It is an extraordinary picture. Beautifully filmed, beautifully acted, and shot in Greece, so, well, there's that. Could this win its big award? Looks unlikely, but it would be awesome if it did.
Will Win: N/A

Could Win: Adapted Screenplay

My Rating: #8 out of 80

Prisoners

1 Nomination

• Cinematography: Roger Deakins (Skyfall, True Grit, The Reader, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, No Country for Old Men, The Man Who Wasn't There, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Kundun, Fargo, The Shawshank Redemption)

Director: Denis Villeneuve

Cast: Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Maria Bello, Terrence Howard, Viola Davis, Paul Dano, Melissa Leo, Dylan Minnette, Wayne Duval, Len Cariou, David Dastmalchian

Roger Deakins is so good! And, actually, so is this movie. I didn't really care for Villeneuve's last movie, the Foreign-Language-Picture-nominated Incendies, but this one is a tight, dangerous crime thriller in the vein of David Fincher's Zodiac. Villeneuve kept me guessing the entire time. Jake Gyllenhaal is also really, really great in Prisoners. He is just playing a detective, so it looks like rather an easy role, but Gyllenhaal fleshes his character out in all kinds of interesting ways – the acting is not this good across the board: Viola Davis is excellent, but Howard and Jackman are just playing "good father" to the hilt. Still, even with Jackman's overacting, Prisoners is really, really scary. I spent most of the film wondering who the kidnappers were, who was going to betray whom, and squirming in my seat as I worried about characters getting caught or maimed or killed or whatever. This is a really excellent watch. My roommate and I both double-checked the locks on our doors after this one. Good stuff.

Will Win: N/A

Could Win: N/A

My Rating: #22 out of 80

Iron Man 1999

Julie and I get drunk and watch movies.

 * * * * *

Aaron: Ooo Iron Man 3.
Julie: Oooh. Indeed. God, I already hate smug Robert Downey Jr. Also they are playing the Blue Song. Seriously?
Aaron: It's the 1990s!

Julie: Ok, quick: remind me what happened in the first 2 films.
Aaron: Um. He is a playboy
Julie: He looks like AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys.
Aaron: And his dad is like an aircraft designer? Guy Pearce looks a mess.
Julie: Oh, shit, that's Guy? Not a good look, dude. Where has he been, by the way?
Aaron: He's getting paid.
Julie: He was so great… before.
Aaron: He was in a movie last year. Under a lot of age makeup, remember?
Julie: He was? What movie?
Aaron: Prometheus!
Julie: Oh yeah. I like to forget that one. Oh my god, seriously, those glasses and goatee: a Backstreet Boy.
Aaron: Oooo visual effects!
Julie: Wait, are the other two movies also in the '90s? I didn't know this was a period film.
Aaron: No. The other movies take place in the present.
Julie: I missed the visual effects. This is going to be just like The Lone Ranger.
Aaron: Except I am going to be much more drunk.
Julie: Are you drinking beer? What is happening over there?
Aaron: I am having a delicious Peak Organic Black IPA.
Julie: Oh, Nice. Keep me updated on your drunk status. I will try valiantly to keep up.
Aaron: I think in the last movie somebody took the technology he uses to keep himself alive. He has some kind of titanium thing in his chest that allows him to live and not have cancer or something. I can't remember.
Julie: I kind of wish we were watching The Transformers. I really like those movies. So then how is he alive?
Aaron: Well he got it back, obviously.
Julie: Why are we listening to Jingle Bells?
Aaron: I don't know. Did this come out at xmas?
Julie: I was just about to ask that. Haha. A holiday film!

Aaron: This is cool.
Julie: Are you being sarcastic? Because it is decidedly lame.

Aaron: Oh no! Muslim Terrorists?
Julie: Oh my god. Are you kidding me!?
Aaron: Is this going to be crazy racist?
Julie: I CAN'T.
Aaron: I think this might already be more racist than The Lone Ranger.
Julie: Who is that white man with the beard?
Aaron: Who is this actor? Ben Kingsley?
Julie: OMG IT IS. What is he doing with his life??
Aaron: He should be ashamed of himself. He isn't even an Arab!
Julie: Gotta get paid, just like Guy, right?
Aaron: What a strange sequence!
Julie: I literally cannot believe an Iron Man movie is trying to be political. Ugh. This is even worse than we expected it to be. Don Cheadle! Oh my god, why are all these people slumming?
Aaron: In the first movie this character was played by Terrence Howard. But Cheadle was in the last one.
Julie: Oh. Hahaha. I told you I don't remember the other two movies. What happened to Terrence? Is he going to show up? I can't believe you remember anything that happened in the other movies. Hero.
Aaron: No no. Terrence got fired. And Don Cheadle has the part now.
Julie: Oh. Because he's an asshole?
Aaron: He asked for more money.
Julie: Hahahaha. As he should.

Julie: That is a white suit, girl.
Aaron: She looks fabulous.
Julie: I hate her.
Aaron: We've talked about this before.
Julie: goop.com That's all I'm gonna say.
Aaron: Why is she saying he looks great? He doesn't actually look great.
Julie: He looks better than before.
Aaron: I'm kind of into these effects. I'm kind of not into these jokes.
Julie: They remind me of Avatar. All that teal.
Aaron: I think that's a good thing. I loved Avatar.
Julie: Ugh. Aaron. I cannot even talk to you right now. (How many beers have you had?)

Aaron: Who remembers conferences? How could he possibly remember he was in Switzerland in 1999. I do not understand action movies that have no action. This was the problem with Lone Ranger too. Like, can something please blow up?
Julie: Because they are pretending that they aren't "just" action movies. They are deeper than that, Aaron. There are terrorists! More xmas music.
Aaron: They're drinking Beaujolais but it's white.
Julie: Wine snob.
Aaron: What's snobby? I'm noticing details.
Julie: The Iron Man audiences aren't going to give a shit. Maybe if it was Bud Light and looked like a Guinness.

Aaron: Poor Iron Man! He's cracking up! But the film moved the act three monologue into act one. I don't understand the structure of this. Guy Pearce is the villain, right? But, like, where's the plot?
Julie: I don't understand why you're just trying to critique anything other than the visual effects. I'm not sure the plot has really been revealed.
Aaron: Oooo! That's cool. This is Mary Shelley, right? [The Frankenstein theme I noticed at this point is not elaborated by Shane Black & co.]
Julie: Um? I'm so distracted by his 1999 hair and facial hair. It is so bad. Also I just polished off a bag of popcorn. And I'm still hungry.
Aaron: Already?
Julie: I should've bought Cheez-its. Sigh.
Aaron: Thank goodness. Some action.
Julie: Oooh that red demon face was cool.
Aaron: It was! But is he a robot or...? Are they replicants or something like that?
Julie: This feels very Terminator.
Aaron: Well, I am grateful for it.
Julie: Here's the terrorists again. Please note that Ben pronounces it "Amurrican".
Aaron: That is my favorite part of this movie so far.
Julie: Ben's funky accent?
Aaron: No. The pronunciation of "Amurrican".
Julie: I love a good Downton Abbey reference! Also, I just finished my first beer. We have nearly 2 hours left.
Aaron: Downey's facial hair is exactly like a Backstreet Boy.

Mr. McLean

Julie: Thank You. And my favorite Backstreet Boy. But it looks better on AJ. More effects. Isn't this Minority Report?
Aaron: Haha. No. This is just like the other 2 Iron Mans.
Julie: But they both came after Minority Report. I feel that I am right.
Aaron: True enough. I love Minority Report.
Julie: Me too. I should rewatch it. Tom pre-crazy.
Aaron: It was just latent. He was already crazy.
Julie: Hahahaha. Aw. Poor Tom. Aaron, I am already drunk. This is a problem.
Aaron: You're a mess!
Julie: You told me to get drunk!
Aaron: I did.

Julie: Who is this woman? This actress, I mean.
Aaron: Oh it's Rebecca Hall!
Julie: Ohhhhhhh
Aaron: You know she's Sir Peter Hall's daughter?
Julie: Oh! I did not.
Aaron: I saw her in a production of As You Like It once.
Julie: Omigod Gwynnie is in the robot suit.
Aaron: She was good. Her father directed. The show itself was unforgivably painful.
Julie: Most Shakespeare is.
Aaron: Ooo we are truth telling. You are Meryl Streep in August Osage right now.
Julie: Oh I hope not. I did not care for Meryl in that one
Aaron: All of this exploding is delightful.
Julie: Yep, here's all your action.
Aaron: These terrorists are trying to kill Christmas! Did you see them set fire to that Holiday tree?
Julie: Hahahaha. They're incorrigible
Aaron: I think this deserves its nomination just based on this sequence.
Julie: I guess I just don't get into these kinds of effects. It's just all so silly to me.
Aaron: I am not enjoying myself.
Julie: That means you need to drink more.
Aaron: I'm just impressed by the actual, you know, technical skill that this took. So the terrorists are going to turn out to be actual USAmericans, right?
Julie: Is that what his terrible accent implied?
Aaron: I dunno. Just guessin'. Will there be a couple of cameos of other Avengers in this?
Julie: Can Sam Jackson please show up?
Aaron: Oh dear Heavens I hope so.
Julie: Wasn't he in one of these though?
Aaron: The last one, I think. Remember, um, the girl from Her was in it. You know, I miss Jude Law. Where is he these days?
Julie: Oh, no you don't. He was in that Side Effects mess.
Aaron: Oooo. I haven't seen it yet. I'm gonna see that soon.
Julie: Also, why are we talking about Jude Law?
Aaron: He is the OS that Downey keeps calling "Jarvis". [Clearly this is Paul Bettany, and I can't recognize my thin British actors.]
Julie: Sam Jackson was in Iron Man 2!!!!!!
Aaron: Yeah.
Julie: Does that mean he'll show up? Or is he dead?
Aaron: SLJ? No.

Julie: Do we really need a small child in this?
Aaron: Children are the future.
Julie: Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Aaron: Haven't you read your Lee Edelman? This child is from 1999.
Julie: Yes… he looks like someone... The kid from The Flight of the Navigator? No, not like him, never mind.
Aaron: He just said "Dads leave. No need to be a pussy about it." Really??
Julie: Charming.
Aaron: Misogynist and unnecessary.
Julie: This is a movie about straight men for straight men. What do you expect?
Aaron: It's not for straight men; it's for young boys, right? So the film is actively policing the masculinity of adolescent boys? Thanks a lot.
Julie: No, it's for teenagers and adult men. Straight guys love this shit. Also, why is her name Pepper? That is ridiculous.
Aaron: She's a comic book. I have no idea. I am just sort of happy that two women spent more than 10 seconds talking about something other than a man.
Julie: Ooh, Bechdel Test. Check.
Aaron: Not much else to be happy about.
Julie: But why do famous actresses want to be in movies like this? I don't get it.
Aaron: I don't either. Money?
Julie: I guess. But Gwynnie's got plenty of that.

Aaron: What did I tell you?!
Julie: What - is he actually an American? Did I miss it?
Aaron: Dora the Explorer just made a cameo. Product placement.
Julie: Amazing.
Aaron: I like this small white Tennessean child
Julie: I want to punch him.
Aaron: I think he's funny. He's like a sassy sidekick.
Julie: That's because you're drunk.
Aaron: He's like the donkey in Mulan. Dale Dickey! I love this actress. I am so glad she's getting work.
Julie: Donkey? You mean dragon?
Aaron: Omigod. Dragon. All black people look the same.
Julie: Oh god, Aaron.

Julie: That wig is terrible on that lady. Or is that her actual hair? Ah, she's a demon. It's demon hair.
Aaron: Oh, so when Pepper said that Guy Pearce could weaponize people she was explaining the plot.
Julie: She said that? Hmm. Also this action sequence is fun.
Aaron: Very! I like this actress.
Julie: The demon actress? "I've dated hotter chicks than you?"Ugh. 
Aaron: Then she undercuts it! "That's all you got? A cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner?" So much xmas!
Julie: I know, right?
Aaron: The terrorists hate the baby jesus.
Julie: Well, we have that in common.
Aaron: Julie!
Julie: Aaron! You don't love baby J any more than I do.
Aaron: Neither does Lee Edelman.
Julie: I have no idea who this Lee person is.
Aaron: You're not up on your queer theory?
Julie: Well, you know I read it in my copious spare time and all.
Aaron: You are the busiest woman in the United States, girl. Apologies. No joke.
Julie: Haha. I'm sure.

Julie: Amurrrrrica. Haha. He is milking it. Ah. Is Don Cheadle ever coming back? What was the point of his 2 min?
Aaron: Hahaha. Why are you thinking about him?
Julie: I'm trying to entertain myself (I am currently watching his HBO show, House of Lies, which I enjoy him in).
Aaron: Here he is!!!! How weird.
Julie: Speak of the devil. Ah, half naked women. Of course.
Aaron: We are now in the Miss Chattanooga Christmas Pageant. Of course. This is so blatantly misogynist.
Julie: Ah! It's the guy from The Mindy Project! I think.
Aaron: Did you like that single cheesecake shot in Star Trek: into Darkness?
Julie: Cheesecake? You know I turned that mess off. I did not watch it all.
Aaron: Julie? Where is your dedication?
Julie: I have lost it. This year is terrible. I quit The Hobbit too.
Aaron: I think this year is great.
Julie: You are wrong. Every other year was great. Last year was great. So this year is bad.
Aaron: So many great films. Not nominated for Oscars.
Julie: OK, but that is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the 57 Oscar-nominated films I had/have to watch.

Julie: Back to the movie at hand: I kind of love when it verges on horror.

Aaron: You love a horror movie.
Julie: I do. I wish a horror movie would be nominated. That would be so much more fun than this super hero shit.
Aaron: How long has it been since a horror movie has been nominated for something?
Julie: Silence of the Lambs? (Which I don't even consider a horror movie, really.)
Aaron: That was 20 years ago!
Julie: Well. People don't take horror seriously. Because most of it is crap. But it's fun crap! Sleepy Hollow. Sweeney Todd.
Aaron: Don Cheadle just quoted whatshisname: Charlton Heston.
Julie: I missed it. I was googling Oscar-nominated horror movies.
Aaron: He said "If you want this suit you're gonna have to pry it from my cold dead body." Robert Downey Jr. is like acting in this.

Julie: The screenwriter probably didn't think he was quoting anything. He probably thought he was the genius that made that line up.
Aaron: Sleepy Hollow. That was a fun horror movie.
Julie: I remember not liking it, actually.
Aaron: I can't remember. That was in, like, 1999.
Julie: Misery. That was a good one. Kathy Bates was nominated.
Aaron: Oh yeah! She is awesome in that.
Julie: That was a year before Silence of the Lambs. Those were the last two good horror movies nominated. Sad. This movie is feeling very Bond right now.
Aaron: Ok, but District 9 sort of, right? I mean, that movie was gross.
Julie: Nah, that's Sci-Fi
Aaron: Not a horror movie, obvs.
Julie: Some Sci-Fi can be horror. Like Alien and Predator.
Aaron: Hollow Man?
Julie: I don't know that one!
Aaron: With Kevin Bacon. He turns invisible. It's good!
Julie: Oh yes. I remember now. That is horror. But not good horror.
Aaron: 2000, I think.
Julie: I love me some Bacon though. The Following, his new show, has horror moments. It's great fun.
Oh my god, Ben is British!
Aaron: He's kind of great right now.
Julie: Hahaha, yeah, he is. (On a side note: Ethan Hawke is totally into doing horror, which I love. It's nice when legit actors get in on it.)
Aaron: I am loving Ben Kingsley right now. What is Ethan Hawke doing?

Mr. Hawke in Sinister

Julie: The Purge, Sinister.
Aaron: Are these films?
Julie: Yes. Very recent, in the last few years. The Purge was last summer.
Aaron: Oh. Cool.
Julie: I mean, it wasn't good. But I appreciate his being so game to do that kind of thing.
Aaron: Did you miss the part where Rebecca Hall turned out to be a baddie?
Julie: Holy shit! She did! You can't let me go on and on about horror like that. I get carried away.
Aaron: I do not understand your love for horror. But I sort of approve.
Julie: Ha! "Sort of approve"? What does that mean?
Aaron: I mean, I watched them with you a lot of times, so I approved enough. Oh, wait. Rebecca Hall isn't a baddie. She's complex. She's a turncoat. She will betray Guy Pearce in the end.
Julie: You watched Teeth with me. I think that was it. I think you're right about Becky.
Aaron: No. We saw Rosemary's Baby together. And Poltergeist. And The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
Julie: We did? But I had already seen those. Were they your first times? Oh yes that Cabinet mess.
Aaron: Yes! [We are talking about the 2005 remake so don't get angry at us.]
Julie: Oh! It was a teaching moment then! That's fun. Bringing you into the horror. Didn't Ruth come over for these? We had like a horror movie club for like a hot second, right?

Aaron: Are they gonna kill off Pepper Pots?
Julie: I hope so.
Aaron: Not just Ruth! Herman, Becky. A whole buncha folks.
Julie: I remember Herman not enjoying Teeth. Haha.
Aaron: He was wrong. Teeth was awesome. And campy.
Julie: So awesome. I own it on DVD now, y'know. I like to revisit it from time to time.
Aaron: Hahaha. Sadist.
Julie: :D

Aaron: That guy just breathed fire! I want to be him.
Julie: Don Cheadle is kicking ass! Or he was, for a moment.
Aaron: He kicked ass for one second.
Julie: But it was a great second.

Don Cheadle's biceps

Aaron: It was. At least this Iron Man has more than just punching.
Julie: Truth.
Aaron: There are good, cool, technologies for killing people in this one. The last one was like Real Steel with people inside.
Julie: I don't know why we didn't drunk-watch Real Steel.
Aaron: Didn't we?
Julie: Hahaha, no. But you were probably drunk when you watched it, I'm guessing.
Aaron: Thanks, Hercule Poirot. More girls in bathing suits.
Julie: Why are girls in sequined bikinis playing ping pong? Is Ben drinking Budweiser? So Amurrrrican.
Aaron: For the teenage boys in the audience. Ben Kingsley is so good.
Julie: His accent is making this film.
Aaron: I take back everything I said at the beginning of this movie.
Julie: Well, not everything.
Aaron: Well, everything about Sir Ben.
Julie: Fair. Would the vice president really be talking on an unsecured line like that? President or Pepper? Who to save, who to save???
Aaron: He's a baddie. It's part of the plot.
Julie: Also, what was with the kid in the wheel chair? Was that shot necessary?
Aaron: He is, like, in support of the technologies that make fake bodies. You know, redoing DNA. That's how they got to him. He has a disabled daughter.
Julie: Oh. Good lord, I have not been paying attention to anything.
Aaron: That makes him vulnerable. Yeah, Guy Pearce chose soldiers who had lost limbs and shit. They joined up so that they could regrow their limbs and become awesome fighting machines.
Julie: Fascinating. It's like a whole new movie.
Aaron: This actor is cute. If I were into white frat guys.
Julie: Indeed. Been there, done that. No thank you. :)
Aaron: Indeed. I like when British people say "thirteen" USAmericans always say "thirt-teen,"but Brits say "thirteen." pronouncing the t only once.
Julie: You are such a grammar nazi. Also I don't understand this barrel of monkeys thing happening.
Aaron: This is absurd.
Julie: No joke.
Aaron: Iron Man just got hit by a car.
Julie: But it wasn't really him so it's OK.
Aaron: I didn't see that coming. I must admit.
Julie: Me neither.
Aaron: I have to pee. Can we pause?
Julie: I peed without pausing.
Aaron: You did? How drunk are you?
Julie: I am only nearly done with my second beer.
Aaron: That is absurd. I have had 3 IPAs.
Julie: Holy shit!
Aaron: I'm drunk, girl.
Julie: Well, you need to be. But you will be feeling it tomorrow.
Aaron: Don Cheadle just joined this as an actual supporting character. I am delighted.
Julie: I know, but he was literally not in like 1/3 of the movie. So weird.

Aaron: I'm confused....
Julie: What's new?
Aaron: Robots punching people. Fucking PG13 movies. I can't bear it. I am opening a 4th IPA.

Julie: This movie is turning into Transformers! I like it.
Aaron: I wish it were. I like those bad movies.
Julie: I finished my second beer. I am done. As I am done with this movie.
Aaron: He just said "dinner." I'm hungry.
Julie: I ate a bag of popcorn and a bowl of pretzels. I am done with that, too. Guy Pearce is calling Robert a turtle. What is happening?
Aaron: I need some dim sum.
Julie: Do they even have that in Tallahassee?
Aaron: I was dreaming I was back in Los Angeles. Don Cheadle! Biceps!
Julie: He's a badass, remember?
Aaron: He's great. And his polo isn't even dirty!
Julie: Superstar. Why is Gwynnie half naked?
Aaron: Fanboys? That shit is offensive.
Julie: He didn't catch her.
Aaron: She looks great, though.
Julie: He is terrible at life.
Aaron: Maybe Don Cheadle caught her!
Julie: Oh, right. I'm sure he did. Guy just said "I would've caught her." Burn.
Aaron: Literally. He's, like, made of fire.
Julie: Hahaha.
Aaron: Guy pearce without a shirt. Finally. I've waited 2 hours for that.
Julie: Yeah, why have all the men been fully clothed this entire time? I want to see some abs.
Aaron: No abs. It's all digital.
Julie: They could've made some digital abs. Lame.
Aaron: The real star of this movie: Jarvis, the OS. He and ScarJo from Her should totes date.
Julie: I knew you were going to go there. Haha.
Aaron: I love a romance.
Julie: Guy just got creamed by Pepper!
Aaron: Pepper Hots!
Julie: She is terrifying.
Aaron: Seriously. This is cool.
Julie: "Who's the hot mess now?" she asks.
Aaron: Hahaha.
Julie: The answer is, obviously, this movie.
Aaron: There are the abs. Gwyneth's abs are awesome.

Aaron: His facial hair. What the fuck. Why does he look like that?
Julie: He is trying to regain his youth? Or something? What happened to Cheadle?
Aaron: This movie, like The Lone Ranger, hates technology. Why is there so much fear about technology? This. Facial. Hair. How does he even do that?
Julie: I literally cannot focus on anything else. TN kid!
Aaron: Zzzzzz. Surrogate dad.
Julie: What? You liked him. A lot.
Aaron: Not that I have anything against surrogate fatherhood. Wait, so, like, Iron Man is done?
Julie: What did he just throw into the ocean? I don't believe it.
Aaron: His power source thing.
Julie: (I don't think we're supposed to believe it.) I AM IRON MAN. BOOM!
Aaron: But how is he Iron Man if he's not, like, BIONIC?
Julie: Because it's in his soul, Aaron. What are these credits? I'm getting nauseous.
Aaron: Reliving the best moments of the film? It's like a play by Ken Ludwig.
Julie: Hahaha.

Aaron: This score is reminiscent of James Bond now. Right?
Julie: Yes. This film was trying to be a Bond film.
Aaron: You called it. Miguel Ferrer, the guy who played the Vice President: Is he somehow related to José Ferrer?

Miguel Ferrer in the original RoboCop.
It seemed important.

Julie: I don't know, but speaking of Mulan, he was the voice of Shan-Yu. So there's that. But let's get down to business. This mess is not winning anything. I mean, it was only nominated for one thing, and it doesn't have a shot in hell.
Aaron: No. Obviously not. He is José Ferrer's son. For the record.
Julie: I am glad you figured that out. for your own sense of mind.
Aaron: Did the other Iron Mans win anything? Sense of mind? I thought I was the drunk one.
Julie: Negative.
Aaron: Well then this one is out for sure. Gravity has Visual Effects in the bag.
Julie: Yes. I don't think there is a technical category that it doesn't have in the bag.
Aaron: For real. Well, Production Design. I am disappointed no other Avengers were in this.
Julie: Oh yeah. I said Gatsby would win that. Though now I'm not so sure.
Aaron: I was waiting for Loki or Thor or, you know, the Hulk or something.
Julie: I am really disappointed Sam didn't show up.
Aaron: 12 Years wins Production Design. As part of a larger 12 Years resurgence.
Julie: Haha. Yeah, ok. You are cracked.
Aaron: Skeptic. The other options are Her or Hustle.
Julie: Well, I would like Her to win, but it won't. And honestly, Gatsby's design was pretty amazing.
What is this aural button? Oh. there he is. Mark Ruffalo!
Aaron: The Hulk. Finally.
Julie: Of all the super heroes in all the world.
Aaron: There were supposed to be laughs in there, right? Why am I not charmed by this?
Julie: No. But the teenage boys are supposed to be.
Aaron: What is the eroticism of these teenage boys toward Tony Stark? This is some kind of desiring machine.
Julie: Well they want to be him. That's all. Are you there? Or did you pass out after the 4th IPA?
Aaron: Don't make this less homoerotic than it is. Sorry. I was talking to one of my sons. He's watching Blue Jasmine.
Julie: Focus!
Aaron: Sorry.

Julie: Is there anything else we really need to say about this?
Aaron: Why do the buttons of these films always disappoint?
Julie: Because buttons inherently disappoint. They are always stupid.
Aaron: But the whole point of a button is anricipation of something.

Talk to the hand, guuurl.

Julie: Anricipation?
Aaron: Built into the concept of the button is build-up. So the point of the button is to deliver on this anticipation/anricipation.
Julie: Well, there is obviously going to be a 4th film.
Aaron: I see dollar signs. Like Haley Joel Osment sees dead people.
Julie: Oh dear.
Aaron: I also see IPA.
Julie: Hahaha. Too much of it, methinks. I am le tired.
Aaron: Never.
Julie: It may be bed time.
Aaron: I am at home. I don't need to drive. And I haven't texted any ex boyfriends. I am going to chalk this up as a victory.
Julie: Well, color me impressed!
Aaron: Hahaha. Alright. XO.
Julie: Til next time!
Aaron: OK. Love and kisses and pepper and pots.
Julie: Haha. Same to you. G'night!
Aaron: Night.

Tonto & the Ranger

Julie and I, as a part of a long tradition, get drunk and watch The Lone Ranger.

* * * * *

 

Julie: I'm ready.
Aaron: Give me ten minutes.
Julie: Sure, but I hope you know this mess is two and a half hours long.
Aaron: I do. Such plaintive music! I think these are visual effects.
Julie: Haha. You may be right. Also we have not discussed the most important thing: What are you drinking?
Aaron: Merlot!
Julie: That seems a little classy for Tonto.
Aaron: Merlot isn't so classy, is it?
Julie: There he is! In the museum!
Aaron: "THE NOBLE SAVAGE". We are starting with that racism?
Julie: Well, Tonto is inherently a racist character.
Aaron: Oh this is good makeup!
Julie: Is he eating animal crackers?
Aaron: This is a weird way to begin an action movie. Where is the action? I think they're peanuts.
Julie: Here we go! The non-use of articles is one of the most racist things about this character. Apparently that is a Tonto tradition.
Aaron: Oh great.
Julie: Also, he has always been played by a white guy, so. There's that.
Aaron: But Johnny Depp isn't quite white, right?
Julie: That's the best part! Johnny thinks he might be Cherokee. But according to ancestry.com... He's African American.
Aaron: No you did not bust out ancestry.com.
Julie: Hahahahaha.
Aaron: No way. Really??? That is amazing.
Julie: Right? I mean, we can't trust that site. But: hilarious.
Aaron: Well, this is a Hollywood tradition, right? Non-white people or ethnically ambiguous actors are constantly being paid to play non-white characters.

Aaron: Is that... Tom What's-his-name?
Julie: Um?
Aaron: Hey, it's Pensatucky! I am watching this movie only for the cameos.
Julie: Wait, really? Is that her?
Aaron: Yeah. The woman behind Helena Bonham Carter.
Julie: Oh, I was distracted by HBC's whorish red red red lips and costume
Aaron: I approve of whorish red lips. Do you like Armie Hammer?
Julie: I forgot the Winklevoss was in this. No he's just a pretty face. Perhaps he will be interesting in this one! Or.. perhaps not.
Aaron: I think more than his face is pretty.

Julie: Well, that guy's face sure isn't pretty. Wait, is that the mom from Saving Mr. Banks?!
Aaron: It's her right? Oh maybe it is. I thought it was Pensatucky.
Julie: Ruth Wilson. She's not been in anything else of note.
Aaron: Oh. Hm. Well good for her. 2013 was a big year I guess.
Julie: This poor girl will always be in period dress with a bad accent.
Aaron: Let's hope not, poor thing.
Julie: And that would be Tom Wilkinson. FYI.
Aaron: Tom Whatshisname, Tom Wilkinson. Tomato, Tomahto.
Julie: That dude has a gnarly beard.
Aaron: Who directed this mess? Michael Bay? Gore Verbinski? Is it "Tanto" or "Tonto"?
Julie: Tonto.
Aaron: In Spanish, tonto means foolish.
Julie: I know. When Spain dubbed the original Lone Ranger, they changed his name to Toro. Look at me, I'm a fountain of useless knowledge.
Aaron: I appreciate it. I don't know thing one about this film except what nominations it got. Hahaha. That was funny. PG-13, of course. So the violence will all be fake and only for laughs.

Julie: Well, I guarantee you none of these actors knows as much about Tonto as I just told you. When did Johnny Depp go so wrong? Was it the fourth of fifth Pirates? He is a mess.
Aaron: Long before that.
Julie: He did things before Disney? It's been so long.
Aaron: Well, I was thinking of the second Pirates.
Julie: Oh, yes. That is correct.
Aaron: That second Pirates movie is the worst thing.
Julie: By the way, I already have no idea what is happening.
Aaron: Armie is some kind of district attorney? Something about railroad men? I am glad some action is happening, at least.
Julie: But how did they get together? Did I miss that?
Aaron: Yeah. Armie came in just in time to save Johnny from the criminal guy who just got rescued. But then Armie refused to kill that guy (you know, like you do) and then they both got locked up/captured by those outlaws. What's there to know? Stop the train. Fight the bad guys.
Julie: And why was Johnny locked up again? Because everyone is racist against Injuns? I need some motivation here, Aaron. Help me out.
Aaron: That was not explained as far as I can tell.
Julie: Oh, ok. Then we'll stick with the obvious, if silent, racism.
Aaron: Why is there a bird on his head?
Julie: Because he's an Indian! And that's what they do! What is this music? Who wrote this?
Aaron: Shall we try to guess?
Julie: Hans! The Zimmer Man! (Sorry, I had already looked it up.)
Aaron: Haha. But I love Hans Zimmer. All those drums. By the way, they asked Johnny why he was locked up and he answered "Indian", so your theory was correct.
Julie: Yes! Racism is always the answer. Sondheim should've scored this.
Aaron: Hahaha. Poor Steve. You're terrible.
Julie: Wait, what!? Don't pretend like you don't agree with me.
Aaron: Hahaha. You know I agree.
Julie: Just because he's old doesn't mean he's off the hook.
Aaron: But he's so old and white and closety.
Julie: He's not closely! He has a 25 year old boyfriend or something Doesn't he?
Aaron: He does? Good for him.
Julie: Closely? Am I that drunk? I meant closety.
Aaron: You can't be drunk yet! We have like two hours left in this drama.
Julie: I'm almost done with my first beer. And half the Cheez-its. I eat my feelings! The Racism is making me upset.
Aaron: Step away from the Cheez-It.
Julie: I can't. They're so cheesy.

Aaron: I think this movie used to be called Rango and starred a lizard. Now he's a Texas Ranger?
Julie: Well, it is Gore Verbinski!
Aaron: Is it? I was thinking it was Michael Bay.
Julie: I want a spirit horse!
Aaron: I do too!
Julie: How does one get one of those, do you think?
Aaron: Wasn't there a movie called Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron where Matt Damon was a horse? I think for it to be your spirit horse you have to break it yourself or something.
Julie: Oh my gosh, there sure was. I want a Matt Damon Horse. Yes, but where are all the visual effects?
Aaron: There are, so far, a bunch of really cool shots.

L'Arrivée d'un Train en Gare de La Ciotat

Julie: Yes, but where are all the visual effects?
Aaron: A train came right at us!
Julie: Um. Wasn't that the first film ever made? Haven't we made any improvements in a century?
Aaron: Did you see Elysium? I think it was robbed in the VFX department. You are so right about that train and the first film.
Julie: Elysium was boring as hell and the effects were no bueno.
Aaron: Trains always make me think of Freud and trauma, too.
Julie: Freud has a thing with trains? It is your time to shine dramaturgically and tell me what that means.
Aaron: Honestly, I am the worst Freudian. I have forgotten all of that. But Freud's first explanations of post-traumatic symptoms are related to having experienced a train crash.
Julie: The Lumière Brothers. They did the train first, and it was better.
Aaron: Perhaps the Academy was feeling nostalgic? (Like in the 2011 season?)

Julie: Ewwww. Is he taking his heart?
Aaron: I don't know, but this is way too much for a PG13 movie.
Julie: Ewwww. Did I need to see him vomit?! PG13 my ass. This shit nasty.
Aaron: I think he ate something. Like his kidney or something.
Julie: I feel that is racist in some way. I don't know how. But it is.
Aaron: Haha! It is, of course. The true lawmen are behaving properly. But the evil guys are "savages" right?
Julie: Ok, this narrative frame is total cribbing of Princess Bride.
Aaron: This narrative frame is asinine.
Julie: This is stupid. Is it supposed to teach me something? Also, is that Johnny Depp?
Aaron: Best Makeup. Yes.
Julie: Nice. But is it as good as Bad Grandpa? That is the question.
Aaron: No way. Absolutely not.
Julie: What is the other nominee? I forget.
Aaron: The winner: Dallas Buyers Club.

Spirit Horse!

Julie: Aw shit. I hope not. (Side note: I finished my beer and am drinking water until you catch up.)
Aaron: Catch up to what? I've had a quarter of a bottle of Merlot. And of course Dallas Buyers Club is gonna win.
Julie: Haha. You've got nearly 2 hours to polish that off. Spirit Horse! Do you think they painted the horse? I feel like he must be in white-face.
Aaron: HAHA. It is a really white horse.
Julie: He must be an albino.
Aaron: All of this exposition. It is so unnecessary.
Julie: Ew that horse crap was unnecessary.
Aaron: This is Verbinski's main problem. It's for teenage boys. So we have shit jokes. And racism. Teenagers love that shit.
Julie: I just looked him up and didn't realize Gore was so young! I feel like he's 65 but he isn't.
Aaron: He and Brett Ratner are about the same age, right? They've always seemed really similar to me.
Julie: Brett's four years younger, so basically.

Julie: Bunnies!
Aaron: Back to the narrative frame. Oh. No. It's just bad effects.
Julie: Oh my goodness, do you remember that oscar short that was all bunnies a few years back? It was so good. Sorry, I'm distracted by the bunnies.
Aaron: No. Bunnies?
Julie: Rabbit a la Berlin. So good!
Aaron: OK. I will watch it later. Or perhaps during this film.
Julie: I recommend the latter.

Julie: Did he just say his bird hat was angry?
Aaron: "Bird. Angry."
Julie: Angry Birds?
Aaron: Disney's product placement. So. Much. Exposition.
Julie: Really? I guess I'm just not listening to any of it.
Aaron: I know, but that's the point: why is there so much exposition? The film could be so much better if there were some guns or some explosions or something.
Julie: He needs to stop saying Kemosabe.
Aaron: Or an evil animated rattlesnake.
Julie: Well, we still have an hour and a half. It could happen.
Aaron: Also, let me just say that I wish this were a little more homoerotic.
Julie: Again, we have an hour and a half. 

Julie: I feel like Baz Luhrmann wants to be in this scene.
Aaron: I was just going to say that. Party sequences filmed by Baz.
Julie: He should totally do that! Just film everyone else's party scenes and leave the rest of the movie to the professionals. Is this like Batman? No one can recognize him because his eyes are covered in a black mask? Oh my god, her shoes. They just shot the table!
Aaron: Such a Tarantino rip-off.
Julie: Oh yeah? Huh.
Aaron: The guy who ate the heart is an evil spirit actually.. A windigo or wendigo or something. He eats human flesh.
Julie: He's just like Charlize Theron. I wish this were campier, like that movie.
Aaron: This movie has racist portrayals of black people, too.
Julie: Wendigo! Wait, there are black people?
Aaron: The bouncer.

Julie: The horse is as drunk as I am!
Aaron: Haha. I need more Merlot.
Julie: I need more Harp.
Aaron: The horse is supposed to be a spirit animal. And it gets wasted? Why does he keep saying kemosabe? Did you look that up too? What does it mean?
Julie: Ke-mo sah-bee (often spelled kemo sabe or kemosabe) is the term of endearment and catchphrase used by the intrepid and ever-faithful fictional Native American sidekick Tonto. Tonto originated that word! Who knew!
Aaron: Apparently white people in Texas were just as racist back then as they are now.
Julie: Ultimately derived from giimoozaabi, an Ojibwe and Potawatomi word that probably meant "scout", it is sometimes translated as "trusty scout" or "faithful friend". Its use has become so widespread that it was entered into Webster's New Millennium Dictionary in 2002.
Aaron: You are a font of knowledge.
Julie: I am good at Wikipedia.
Aaron: It's a good thing to be good at.
Julie: I wish this was a horror movie. I mean, dude is eating hearts! Why isn't there a Tonto horror movie like that? (Racism.) OH MY GOD. Is he in blackface?! AND A DRESS?
Aaron: He is. "This ain't what it looks like mister. I just like them pretty things." Well it looks like blackface drag. Is that what it is?

Julie: HAHAHA. Johnny should get the Razzie for this. It is terrible.
Aaron: So what keeps happening is that the film continues to point out that white people are, like, really racist and awful and xenophobic. While the film itself also manages to be really racist and awful with every single one of its portrayals.
Julie: Well, Disney isn't exactly known for being PC. Song of the South and all. They are kind of clueless, even when well-intentioned.
Aaron: Effects! Flying horse.
Julie: I missed the effects! because I was thinking of zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Dammit.
Aaron: I am willing to wager that your memory of Zip-a-dee-doo-dah was better than the effects. Ugh. More cartoony PG13 violence.

Julie: HAHA. Probably true. The redface is making my night. This movie is out of control with the racist makeup.
Aaron: For which it received an Oscar nomination. Actually, I am pretty sure the makeup nomination is for the old-age makeup in the frame.
Julie: He just explained Kemosabe! We were supposed to wait for it.
Aaron: So he did.
Julie: But that took an awfully long time.
Aaron: I am glad you looked it up. What did he actually say?
Julie: Oh, I don't know. I'm drunk.
Aaron: "Young brother"?
Julie: That sounds right.
Aaron: The guy who dresses in drag is named Butch. [I got this wrong, actually, but who can blame me?]
Julie: I love that he's still wearing that bonnet.
Aaron: And the wendigo just told him to "tell him straight"!
Julie: Hahaha

Julie: You can't shoot Mrs. Banks!
Aaron: I think we've all seen enough of these movies to know he doesn't shoot her. Why even bother setting it up?
Julie: But that face plant was awesome.
Aaron: I mean, it's all so predictable! Oh no, I missed it!
Julie: Mrs. Banks falls well. Hey, Black Beauty showed up! OH NO!
Aaron: OMG.
Julie: Animal cruelty. I am calling PETA.
Aaron: "Horse. Dead." Jesus.
Julie: Who's spirit animal was that? What a shame.
Aaron: He only uses nouns.
Julie: He just used a verb.
Aaron: This music was composed by Hans Zimmer?
Julie: Yessir. He just called himself a savage. Was he being ironic?
Aaron: Ironically.
Julie: Is he a hipster Injun?
Aaron: He's Johnny Depp. He invented hipster culture.
Julie: So true.

Julie: Nice scream, Armie. LOL!
Aaron: He is hot.
Julie: I am just not into him.
Aaron: I'll say this for Armie: he knows what kind of movie he's in. Orlando Bloom never did.
Julie: Truth.
Aaron: Barry Pepper! Told you  I was in this for the cameos.
Julie: But there aren't that many! There should be more.
Aaron: There should.
Julie: Also, Armie's mask is throwing me off. It's like he's going to the masquerade in the Phantom. He's in the sweat lodge! I hope they start singing "Colors of the Wind".
Aaron: That is not a sweat lodge. That is just a regular old teepee.
Julie: Whatever. They can still sing.
Aaron: This is so racist. Oh Jesus.
Julie: See! They're laughing at his mask too!
Aaron: "Many moons ago"? Really?
Julie: Exposition. 
Aaron: By which you mean more exposition.
Julie: But this is the first time I'm listening. Kind of.
Aaron: See, this is the thing that pisses me off. They act like evil white people killed the native peoples of the Americas. Such bullshit. The people who killed the natives were regular middle-class assholes. Not special hateful ones. Just normal ones.
Julie: The stories we tell ourselves...
Aaron: Right. "We are already ghosts". Wow. That was a good line. I'm actually emotional about that one.
Julie: I am emotional about the fact that that Native American actor is in this piece-of-shit movie.

Aaron: Where is the magic horse, Júlia?
Julie: I don't know, but I need some magic.
Aaron: Me too. Visual effects!
Julie: YAY! Horsey's back! Oh my god, he's so cute. And he just ate the scorpions.
Aaron: He is cute!
Julie: Um, no. Armie cannot pull himself out of sand with his teeth. Ridic. I have to (tee)pee. Be right back.
Aaron: If there is going to be a silver mine, there will probably be Chinese immigrants, too. Yep. Here they are.
Julie: Naturally.
Aaron: What we just saw was preposterous. A cave that has been dug by miners or railroad men cannot have Indian cave paintings on it. It has just been dug.
Julie: Aaron, you are being logical. But this movie is not. You have to accept its fictions!
Aaron: Finally an explosion. I've been waiting.

Julie: Fun music, Hans! Is he gay or straight (in real life)?
Aaron: Hans Zimmer?
Julie: HAHAHA. Well, yes, I'd like to know that too. But I was talking about Armie.
Aaron: Armie Hammer, as far as I know, is quite straight. [So is Hans Zimmer, as it turns out.]
Julie: Hmm.
Aaron: Long term girlfriend, I think.
Julie: I kind of want to watch Pirates now. Johnny is way more fun in that.
Aaron: He is really good in that.

Julie: Is she about to get acupuncture?
Aaron: Chinese woman? Keeper of oriental mysteries. This film.
Julie: Haha. truth. Is that Barry?
Aaron: It is.
Julie: Wow, we haven't seen him in anything in a long time.
Aaron: This man is obsessed with the railroads. But in 21st-century film that signals über-capitalist obsession. Which signals: bad. So Tom Wilkinson will turn out to be a villain of some sort. Just wait.
Julie: Well, clearly. I already thought he was one.
Aaron: Barry Pepper knows what kind of movie he's in, as well.
Julie: She certainly doesn't.
Aaron: What is happening? Whoa. This just got crazy.
Julie: Tom was praying.
Aaron: Is this Fiddler on the Roof? I thought they were going to sing "Sabbath Prayer"
Julie: Tom's beard is really bad. It is too bushy and not the right color.
Aaron: Is his beard fake?
Julie: Um, clearly
Aaron: I think that beard is real.
Julie: Really? How can we find out?
Julie: "Stupid white man." Yup.
Aaron: Yup. Eating Caesar salad.
Julie: Hahaha. I love a good Caesar salad.
Aaron: Julie, I am obsessed with Caesar salads. I make them at home now.
Julie: Really? One can be obsessed with Caesar salads?
Aaron: I crave them, honestly. I know. It's crazy.
Julie: But they are like so unhealthy for you. I remain unimpressed by these train visuals.
Aaron: As do I. What's wrong with a sensible Caesar salad?
Julie: Wait, I thought that kid was Armie's? Who is his dad?
Aaron: Maybe it is. I don't know, actually. How old is he?
Julie: No, he was whining about his dad maybe being dead. So it can't be Armie.
Aaron: The boy, I mean.
Julie: 10?
Aaron: Well, Armie says that the girl and he stopped talking 8 years ago. So... maybe.
Julie: Mmmmk.

Aaron: In these kinds of movies, why don't people who want each other dead simply kill one another?
Instead, they defer it.
Julie: Because then the movie would be 10 minutes long.
Aaron: The death, I mean. What would Derrida say?
Julie: WWDS?

Arrow-scene from Zhang Yimou's Hero.

Aaron: The Chinese workers are actually wearing the hats they wear on the rice paddies. Like, seriously? For digging tunnels? Seems impractical. And fucking racist.
Julie: YESSSSS SO MUCH RACISM. Hard to believe we still have 40 min to go.
Aaron: Oh for Heaven's sake. We do? What else could possibly occur?
Julie: Exposition.
Aaron: Hahahaha. True.
Julie: The Indians are coming!
Aaron: This scene brought to you by Zhang Yimou.
Julie: :D
Aaron: At least Verbinski watches other people's movies. OMG! Kurosawa shot. That is the famous Seven Samurai shot.
Julie: I love Hans just rocking out in the background. He knows how to get the job done.
Aaron: This is horrible.
Julie: And by horrible you mean amazing. Explosion!
Aaron: That was cool. By horrible I just mean how the slaughtering of thousands of native people is just one more fun adventure sequence.
Julie: Barry killed the old Indian!!!!!! I hate Barry. He really is a ghost now.
Aaron: JULIE!
Julie: What?
Aaron: Does Johnny's whiteface wash off in the river? Apparently not.
Julie: Where is the horse? That's all I'm worried about. He is the best actor in this thing.
Aaron: Seriously. The film keeps forgetting about the horse.
Julie: I don't understand how you can forget about a spirit animal like that.
Aaron: Me either.OK but seriously where is the horse?
Julie: Yay! We just saw him!
Aaron: Oh there he is.
Julie: :)

Aaron: Wait, this is somehow about the transcontinental railroad?
Julie: I don't care about the railroad. And I don't think this film does either.
Aaron: Cameo! It's the guy who plays that guy who loves staplers in Office Space. No. You are wrong. This film is obsessed with calling the railroad evil. This film is anti-technology.
Julie: But that is so weird.
Aaron: Stephen Root? I think I thought of his name.
Julie: Who? I don't know who that is.
Aaron: The guy Tom Wilkinson is talking to.
Julie: He's talking to a lot of guys.
Aaron: This scene stolen from The Godfather.
Julie: HAHAHA. Yes. The Lone Ranger, The Godfather. Basically the same.
Aaron: "Hurry up wid dem grapes". What?
Julie: Is the black guy Jamaican? What the hell is happening?
Aaron: "The National Anthem".
Julie: Johnny is not anti-technology, though. There goes that train.
Aaron: Is he stealing all that silver? Is that what's happening?
Julie: I'm not sure. But the horse is back, so I'm happy.
Aaron: This is the William Tell Overture.
Julie: Sure is.
Aaron: Is that a Lone Ranger thing?
Julie: Yes.
Aaron: I love the William Tell Overture. These are visual effects. YES.

Aaron: Terrible. This movie is terrible. Did it do well at the box office?
Julie: You were just excited about it! No, I'm pretty sure it did badly.
Aaron: He hit the girl in the head with a piece of coal And she fell like a cartoon and then got back up.
Julie: Reference: "Johnny Depp Blames Critics for Lone Ranger Bombing at the Box Office".

Aaron: Zimmer is having a good time.
Julie: Well somebody should be.
Aaron: There are two railroad tracks that run parallel to one another. In what world?
Julie: Hahahahaha In Gore's world.
Aaron: Hahaha. That grape slingshot thing was a good joke This movie's second good joke. I've forgotten the first.
Julie: I missed both of them.
Aaron: Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Or an unloaded gun to a knife-fight.
Julie: That was the first joke?
Aaron: No. That was just good advice.
Julie: Ah. I'll keep that in mind. I am waiting for them to make this into a ride at Disney World. That would be fun.
Aaron: Depp blamed the critics for this film's bad performance?
Julie: Apparently. Isn't that hysterical? It couldn't possibly be his terrible performance.
Aaron: Perhaps he ought to have blamed a) his lack of a desire to get in shape for the film and b) his continual need to work with Verbinski. But, like, the critics were right. I love Hans Zimmer right now, though. He just hasn't stopped!
Julie: Yes, he's making this part tolerable.
Aaron: He truly is.
Julie: He just threw Armie a bullet. And he caught it. From a moving train. This movie.
Aaron: Like. James. Bond.
Julie: Just. Like.
Aaron: You cannot shoot a car off a moving train. I am sorry.
Julie: In Gore's world, anything is possible. What is with this time piece?
Aaron: I don't know. The future? The past? No idea. Another watch.
Julie: Hmm. Another of Gore's enigmas.
Aaron: Remember when Rango won Best Animated Feature?
Julie: Unfortunately.
Aaron: Dayne and I always talk about how awful it is. He says thank you for the Her score link, by the way.
Julie: You're welcome? I'm mad at those Her people. That is ridiculous. [We are talking about the fact that the score for Her hasn't been released on iTunes or CD.]
Aaron: It is! That score is gorgeous!
Julie: And it's the only one that would actually make money and they just failed to make it. Like, seriously? Wait, is it over? The bunny just ate the scorpion! What does that mean?
Aaron: Huh? Back to the frame?
Julie: You missed it.
Aaron: No, I saw it. I've onloy had one bottle of Merlot.
Julie: Onloy?
Aaron: OK.

Mr. Fichtner.

Julie: Never take off the mask. Oh. It's over.
Aaron: There will be a button, surely.
Julie: You and your buttons. I always just turn shit off.
Aaron: And now the credits. Which clearly arrive with shame. Who would take credit for this?
Julie: Johnny was a producer. Hans!
Aaron: Well usually I just fastforward until the end of the credits to make sure there isn't a button. I like this tupeface. Typeface.
Julie: Tupeface? Hehehehe.
Aaron: It might be my favorite part of the movie. William Fichtner? That was Willliam Fichtner? James Frain was in this? Who was he?
Julie: I don't know; they all had beards.
Aaron: Remember when he used to get work regularly? I miss him.
Julie: That button sucked.
Aaron: Seriously, though, this movie was already made. And it was called Rango. And it was about greedy railroad barons. And it was just as Manichaeistic as this one.
Julie: Well, as Tina and Amy say, if something goes kind of well, Hollywood will just keep doing it until everyone hates it. I really don't think I even watched Rango all the way through. I am over putting myself through this shit.
Aaron: Haha. This score is great. The winner for the evening is Hans Zimmer.
Julie: Sorry, Hans, but I've gotta go with the horse. I mean, he at the scorpions and was generally delightful.
Aaron: Oh. You might be right. I change my vote. Horse and then Hans.
Julie: Wait, did the horse even have a name?
Aaron: Silver! "Hi yo, Silver!"
Julie: Oh. HAHAHAHA.
Aaron: Julie. Come on. I thought you researched this shit.
Julie: He didn't say it until the end! And then I was just like, oh! Yeah! That phrase! haha.
Aaron: Yeah, but, like. It's famous.
Julie: Shut it.
Aaron: No, they had a whole convo about naming the old mare.
Julie: At least I knew the William Tell Overture was from The Lone Ranger.
Aaron: True. I knew enough to ask...?
Julie: They had convos about a lot of things that were unimportant, Aaron. How was I supposed to know when to pay attention?
Aaron: Can I ask a question about the botton? Button. Jesus. Merlot.
Julie: HAHAHA Sure.
Aaron: Where is Tonto going?
Julie: I have no idea. He got all dressed up and everything. No clue.
Aaron: He is wearing a suit.
Julie: He must be looking for Silver.
Aaron: I'm looking for another glass of wine.
Julie: Hahaha. How many have you had? I only had two beers. And I am ready to pass out.
Aaron: Let's close out the Lone Ranger. Does it win anything?
Julie: No.
Aaron: Anbolutely not.
Julie: Yeah, I mean, that old Indian makeup was good, but that's not enough to win. And visual FX were not even on par with the other noms.
Aaron: Totally agree.
Julie: Sorry, Johnny.
Aaron: Also, no one is going to see this except us.
Julie: So sad. So true.
Aaron: Not sad.
Julie: We are dedicated (fools).
Aaron: Indeed.
Julie: Ok, I need to go to bed. Please edit me into a coherent, sober being.
Aaron: Good night.
Julie: Peace out. Hi-yo Silver. And all that Jazz.

Some of our earlier dialogues: The Avengers, Snow White and the Huntsman, Anonymous.

Still Reviewing Rango

The Evil Queen

My friend Julie and I chart our personal journey with Snow White and the Huntsman, which we both expected to be bad, but which I rather liked.

Julie: I have candles lit, and my popcorn and beer. I am ready.
Aaron: I'm a litle sad it's PG-13. I love an R movie.
Julie: Well, it has Kristen Stewart. She's not old enough for R-rated films.
Aaron: Truth.
Julie: Just R-rated personal lives (did you hear how she had that affair with that director? Trollop)
Aaron: Don't hate. Slut power.

Julie: This is Beauty and the Beast. They're already stealing shit! That red rose.
Aaron: I think they're stealing from Into the Woods.
Julie: I hope they start singing.

Aaron: This shot stolen from Gladiator. Oh this art direction is pretty.
Julie: Not as pretty as Anonymous.
Aaron: Nonsense.
Julie: Um, that looks like Anonymous. That snow.
Aaron: That Snow! Hahaha. The snow was the best thing about Anonymous. At least this looks like it was shot on location.

Julie: And at Medieval Times.
Aaron: I already like the look of this, though. Even if it does look like Medieval Times. Ooo. This army is spooky. They just STOOD there! They're made of glass!!
Julie: Oooooo! This is not the snow white I know! How festive.
Aaron: I like it. Speaking of sluts. This king!
Julie: Haha.
Aaron: Look at her boobs!
Julie: They are constricted. Let them have some air.
Aaron: This child actor is adorbs! I like her smile.
Julie: She won't last long though. K-slut is coming.
Aaron: $10 says Kristen Stewart never smiles once.
Julie: Oh man. I would lose that bet. Not fair. I love that Charlize wears her crown to bed. During sex.
Aaron: "Men use women". I love it. This is so feminist!
Julie: Oh, it is because she is killing him. Niiiiice. This is like Teeth! Without the killer vagina.
Aaron: OH MY GOD. I love this.
Julie: Oh, that score.
Aaron: This is so campy. She just wears a crown the whole time.
Julie: I would too. Let's be honest.
Aaron: This brother is a new addition to the myth. Who is this Rutger Hauer-like character?
Julie: Well, does the queen actually kill the king in the tale? I thought he just died.  
Aaron: I think so. yeah.
Julie: Riot.
Aaron: When kings die there's always a riot.
Julie: Really? I'm googling that shit. She marries a widowed king who has a daughter called Snow White from his first wife. The Queen envies Snow White's beauty, and so tries to have her killed, setting the story in motion. That's it. That's all Wikipedia will tell me.
Aaron: I love how they managed to put the mirror on the wall just in time for her to say "Mirror, mirror on the wall". 
Julie: Oooo, the terminator! That liquid shit is so James Cameron.
Aaron: So true.
Julie: K-Steewwwwwwwww. Isn't this Cinderella now?
Aaron: My skin would be as white as snow if I never saw fuckin daylight, too.
Julie: What is she doing in those cinders?
Aaron: Girlfriend is cold.
Julie: Girl needs to go to the jersey shore.
Aaron: The Lord's Prayer?
Julie: Uh oh. God stuff.
Aaron: Hahaha
Julie: As in life, her hair goes unwashed.
Aaron: IS SHE EATING THE HEART OF A BIRD? I LOVE HER.
Julie: I HOPE SO. ICE QUEEN. She is fun.
Aaron: The brother's Dorothy Hammill do is not cute.
Julie: NUDITY. I don't know what you're talking about. Hot.
Aaron: In ancient Rome, the empress Poppaea used to bathe in mik.
Julie: She wears her crown in the bath, too! What the fuck is happening?
Aaron: I do not care. It is just too fabulous.
Julie: And what are those claws? I want.
Aaron: That dress is amazing. And these claws are fantastic.
Julie: OOOOOOO. Girl got stabbed! Her crown could impale someone. Did she just eat his heart by like osmosis or something?
Aaron: I can't tell. She did some chicanery, though.
Julie: WHAT IS HAPPENING
Aaron: I think we're just getting portraits of how awful she is.
Julie: This dude is my favorite. Creepy albino.
Aaron: Dear heavens let there be some incest.
Julie: Yes, please! A-Jolie style. Lesbianism?
Aaron: It's good for what ails you.
Julie: How is she doing all this? Where did these powers come from? Did I miss something?
Aaron: Wait. Why didn't she kill the boy that way?
Julie: Because she wanted to air-eat his heart?
Aaron: You didn't miss anything. She's, like, super-old or something, but she has magic powers.
Julie: Humph.
Aaron: And only she can see the Terminator?
Julie: It looked like big bro could... right? Or does he just think sis is cray cray?
Aaron: I think he is jells.
Julie: Totes jeals.

Aaron: I think Kristen Stewart might be sort of... smiling.
Julie: Haha. Ewwwwwwww creepy touching. Well done, K-Stew. Badass.
Aaron: I wonder how come the brother doesn't have any magic powers..
Julie: Because he is an albino.

Aaron: This cameraman isn't quite sure how to shoot a running scene, I feel.
Julie: whoa! sewer slide!
Aaron: I like the landscape shots though.
Julie: Yeah, the cinematography leaves a little to be desired at times. No oscar for you... Greig Fraser.
Aaron: Art direction and costumes totes deserve nominations, though, right?
Julie: Art direction is rad.
Aaron: Random white horse.
Julie: I hope he is a unicorn.
Aaron: Why isn't he? I mean, they can make up whatever they want, right? Give me unicorns and dragons.
Julie: I'm still up in the air about costumes. K-Stew needs some new ones. Those sleeves do not work for me. Oooo, dragons! Yes, please.
Aaron: But the Queen's costumes! They are already more interesting than the three costumes the Queen wore in Mirror Mirror.
Julie: I know! Hers are good. But Medieval Times and K-stew need help.You know I did not see that shit.
Aaron: The costumes were by Eiko Ishioka. That's why I went.
Julie: Oh, that is right. So sad she ended on that movie. Julia Roberts. Oy.

Julie: I hope the trees start attacking her à la Wizard of Oz.
Aaron: EW. This is so good.
Julie: They look like they might.
Aaron: I love how imaginative this whole thing is. This is disgusting!! I am loving it. It's like she's hallucinating.
Julie: Are we in Harry Potter now?
Aaron: I. LOVE. THIS.
Julie: You. Are. Drunk.

Aaron: This costume is fabulous, too!
Julie: Ooo, I like that neck-crown thing. That outfit looks like it was in Wonderland. Yeah, that's right: I just referenced Frank Wildhorn. She is CRAY. And violent! look at those eyes! He loves her. It's kind of sweet.
Aaron: Have I not given you all? she said. Incest. Clearly. That's what that means.
Julie: Hellooooo, sailor. Or huntsman, I guess. This should be called The Evil Queen. I don't know why they think we care about those two.
Aaron: I only care about the Queen and how fabulous she is.
Julie: Is he Irish? Why is he the only one with an accent? Wait, does he have an accent? What is going on with his voice?
Aaron: He does have one.
Julie: (Am I drunk?)
Aaron: But Charlize has an accent too. She is vaguely British or something.
Julie: By the way, where are we? Did they say? I mean, we should be in Germany, but that's clearly not happening.
Aaron: Things look vaguely medieval. Which could be anywhere, right?
Julie: Yes... but Snow White is a German fairy tale. K-Stew should have an accent! Wouldn't that be festive?
Aaron: Has she said anything yet?
Julie: Ha. Just a few lines. To albino. When he tried to rape her. Sort of. I need more beer.
Aaron: This movie is not nearly as bad as Anonymous. I kind of like it. She does have an accent.
Julie: She is annoying.
Aaron: She's just sort of helpless so far.
Julie: You're right. This is not nearly as bad as Anonymous. Which means it's not as fun.
 
Julie: EWWWWW
Aaron: This is so gross!! I am into it.
Julie: Yet you don't watch horror movies. I don't get it. Oh, she is British. But she is not "valuable". That is a lie.
Aaron: She is totally doing an accent. It is no good.
Julie: Truth. She isn't very attractive either.
Aaron: I mean, what makes this girl so damn special? That's what I don't get. Kristen Stewart aside.
Julie: Seriously. Just because she was born a Princess?
Aaron: Oh yeah. That's what it is. Nobility.
Julie: Glad I could clear that up.
Aaron: Ah the value of the rich. This demands a materialist analysis.

Julie: Snakes in a forest! Where is Sam J when you need him? I'm going to have some gummy worms now.

Aaron: This guy is a cutie!
Julie: Who?
Aaron: The son of the Duke who was her boyfriend when they were kids.
Julie: Oooo. And here I thought she would get with the Huntsman. But I guess he wants his dead wife, eh?
Aaron: Are you Canadian?
Julie: For tonight.
Aaron: That's a new accent for this film.
Julie: HAHA. I'm just trying to keep it diverse. Oh, they're gettin' it on later.
Aaron: She has four expressions.
Julie: Oh, Aaron. You're way too generous. She has one. Dour and dour.

Julie: Nice fur!
Aaron: I love that the queen has so many different crowns, too.

Aaron: Such effects.
Julie: Oooooh, trolls! Visual effects oscar??
Aaron: This director loves Guillermo Del Toro. Right? I mean, this film is basically a GDT homage.
Julie: This visual effects guy has done Tim Burton and Pirates of the Caribbean. And Clash of the Titans. Haha.
Aaron: She has, like, feelings or something. She just tamed the wild troll. By looking at it.
Julie: The troll is kind of cute. He needs a hug.
Aaron: Oh it's like how the birds love Snow White in Disney's movie.

I'm WISHING

For the ONE I love.

To FIND me.

TODAY.

Julie: HAHA. Who is this bitch?
Aaron: New character. Another woman. This film is so feminist. I love it.
Julie: Just because women are the main characters does not make it feminist, A-ron.
Aaron: Yes it does. Most Hollywood films have 0 women. Or one woman.
Julie: K-Stew is depending on a man right now.
Aaron: No. She is finding her own power.
Julie: Yeah, ok.

Julie: How is she wearing eyeshadow? She was in prison for years and just ran through a forest!
Aaron: She is magically beautiful and white.
Julie: That girl in prison. What was the point of her? She was like that sickly girl in Jane Eyre. Who loved god.
Aaron: She gave her youth to Charlize.
Julie: She did? How silly of her.
Aaron: Haha.

Julie: Nudity!
Aaron: Naked Charlize. Oo! Girl is a mess.
Julie: Girl needs a cheeseburger. Those ribs. Oy. She is a vampire! Drinkin' the blood.
Aaron: Drinking blood is always related to eternal youth. Or anthropophagia in general.
Julie: Anthro what?
Aaron: Cannibalism keeps you young!

Aaron: We should never have beeeeeen there. Her accent! The best. But Chris Hemsworth is Scottish. Dwarves! About time.
Julie: Scottish! yes. I am bad with accents. That dude has orange hair.
Aaron: Oh they're not really dwarves. They didn't hire dwarves!? It's all CG.
Julie: Is Julie Taymor involved? What is with that bird mask?
Aaron: Eyes Wide Shut?
Julie: Hahahaha. Where is Tom then? He is kind of a dwarf.
Aaron: Who? Oh. Tom Cruise. I forget about him sometimes.

Aaron: Finally a person of color! The first one.
Julie: Are you keeping count? Are you sure one of those medieval knights wasn't Latino or something?
Aaron: Hahaha. The movie is all about how white her skin is. I always keep count about how many people of color I see. Don't you?

Julie: Sanctuaaaaaary! Like Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Aaron: God help the outcasts.
Julie: She kind of smiled again. Ha. Indeed. God help them.
Aaron: Notice now that we are in fairyland, she ain't sayin' the Lord's prayer.
Julie: She gave up her faith so easily.
Aaron: This music is totes a Jim Cameron thing, too.
Julie: Titanic.
Aaron: Right? It is exactly the same.
Julie: Love. So. Much. And like Kate Winslet, she needs to wash her hair. I'm sorry, I just can't look at that grease for much longer.
Aaron: I mean, miss thing was imprisoned.
Julie: I do not give a shit. She is in the forest by some stream. Hop to it.
Aaron: Ooo true. I think that is the first thing I would do. Run some soap through my filthy mane.
Julie: Right? I hate feeling dirty. But K-stew likes it.

Julie: Gollum!
Aaron: Ooo Gollum! I like that all these beasts are around. What is going on??
Julie: Is she making friends with the forest?
Aaron: I don't understand. I think we are supposed to know, but I don't quite get it.
Julie: Gollum 1 and 2! Yes, those animals love her. It'd be better if they sang though.
Aaron: Please tell me GDT is the voice of this deer.
Julie: HAHA
Aaron: Ew.
Julie: Ewww, wash those fingernails
Aaron: So nasty. She has magic powers. She is the ONE. Like Harry Potter.
Julie: According to whom? The albino deer? Why are there so many albinos in this film?
Aaron: This is traumatic!
Julie: Oh, the gollums are faeries. I just realized.
Aaron: They couldn't have saved the fucking stag?
Julie: No. Sacrifice.
Aaron: Like Aslan.
Julie: They are trying to kill the one man of color! This film is racist.
Aaron: This film has been racist.
Julie: Well yes, but now it is obvious.
Aaron: I miss the evil queen.
Julie: me too. I hope she is shopping.
Aaron: Another fabulous outfit.
Julie: She is feeling him dying.
Aaron: That brother of hers must've been like part of her or something. I love Charlize Theron in this.
Julie: she is getting old!
Aaron: Poor thing.
Julie: Ooooo. I'll miss albino brother.
Aaron: I will not.
Julie: I don't know how you can't miss that wig.

Aaron: Singing dwarves. It's a preview of The Hobbit.
Julie: Hi-ho, hi-ho...
Aaron: HAHA.
Julie: This is very Lord of the Rings, you are correct.

Aaron: The look of this film is constantly changing. It is a relief. A smile?
Julie: These two are quite possibly the most boring people alive. I don't understand how anyone has hired her. She has no talent whatsoever. Her range is non-existent. Hopefully he will die.
Aaron: He is cute. Hush your mouth.
Julie: He needs to shave.
Aaron: Not to get into my bed he doesn't.
Julie: Well, into mine, he does.
Aaron: She needs to liven up. And wash her hands.

Aaron: IT'S NOT HIM. This is great.
Julie: Yesssssssssss. That fucker. He just got more interesting.
Aaron: It's her in disguise.
Julie: Wake up, huntsman!!
Aaron: I want the Queen to win.
Julie: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Creeptastic!
Aaron: THAT DRESS.
Julie: (He remains boring.) Ooooo love the bird cape! Boring boyfriend is back. Time to put her ass in a glass coffin.
Aaron: Haha. Huntsman has lots of feelings
Julie: He is the only one.

Aaron: OH MY GOD. These birds.
Julie: Ewwwwwwwwwwww
Aaron: This is so grotesque. I fucking love it.
Julie: That sludge is cool. She is a hot mess.
Aaron: Everything related to this queen is cool. The hottest. Of messes.
Julie: Sad boyfriend.
Aaron: More fur. They love fur.
Julie: Fur instead of glass? I do not approve
Aaron: Neither does PETA.
Julie: Haha.
Aaron: She has the same expression as when she was alive. Who can tell the difference?
Julie: Why is he drunk and crying? Why does he care so much? This is his big monologue. His big moment!
Aaron: He is lovely. I love how he sort of is slurring too. Because he is drunk. He is good. I like him: Thor.
Julie: I KNEW HE HAD A THING FOR HER. Poor dude.
Aaron: Sherlock fuckin' Holmes. The movie is called Snow White and the Huntsman.
Julie: Yeah, but he coulda been a father figure to her. It didn't have to go there, A-ron. She has a boyfriend after all. Why is she alive? How did that even happen? I am missing everything.
Aaron: True Love's Kiss. Or something?
Julie: I thought this wasn't Disney? Zombie K-Stew is trying to inspire the troops!
Aaron: "I'd rather die today than live another day of this death." What the hell is she talking about? Ooooooh. It's Henry V.
Julie: Ha. I do not know.

Julie: She is young again!
Aaron: Another new crown. I love Charlize Theron in this.
Julie: I love her in everything. Even that Young Adult mess.
Aaron: She is so good in that!

Aaron: Uh oh. Dwarves used for comic relief. Just the same as every other Snow White movie. Ugh.
Julie: You knew it had to  happen.
Aaron: I hate that shit. Ableist nonsense: They're so funny! Their bodies are different from ours.
Julie: I mean, this movie is racist. Did you really think it would have a politically correct view of dwarves?
Aaron: Touché.
Julie: If this movie had more plot to go with all these effects, it wouldn't be half bad.
Aaron: I think it's pretty good as is, really. Sometimes effects are enough for me.
Julie: No, my eyes start to glaze over. That's why I can't watch all those fast/furious movies. Too many action sequences just bore me.
Aaron: But these effects are like magical and shit. I am into that. Like black oil pouring onto people. That's cool. If I were this queen right about now, I'd be like "You're coming back to me?" She's been looking for her the whole movie. And now K-Stew just runs upstairs like "Sorry I stayed out past curfew!"
Julie: She is just asking for it

Aaron: Badass!
Julie: This is pretty cool
Aaron: YES
Julie: Ooo that father reference made her angry. As though we care about the father who was in the movie for all of 5 seconds.
Aaron: So true.
Julie: I like that metallic shrug she's rockin'
Aaron: THIS IS SO COOL.

Aaron: Kristen Stewart is so boring. She says "you can't have my heart" without moving her mouth.
Julie: Because I don't have one! Too much Botox. You know how those Hollywood kids are, A-ron.
Aaron: She's like 22. She's younger than we are.
Julie: Whatever, she started that shit in the womb
Aaron: She looks like she's had 50 years of misery, though.
Julie: Hahahaha Ooo, they put some blush on her! not so pale.
Aaron: Art direction's looking sort of Flemish now.
Julie: It's like the EPCOT of art direction

Julie: That dress is Ug. Ly.
Aaron: Yeah it is. Don't they know their previous queen was way more fabulous?
Julie: WHO IS SHE GOING TO CHOOSE?
Aaron: I am on tinterhooks.
Julie: She smiled again!
Aaron: She vaguely smiled again.
Julie: But they aren't going to tell us!! CLIFFHANGER.
Aaron: It's like The Hunger Games.
Julie: That was dumb. As is this music.
Aaron: I thought it was totally cool. The plot was non existent. And Kristen Stewart is a black hole of feelings. Having her at the center of a movie is like the kiss of death.
Julie: There weren't enough effects to make up for the lack in plot or in acting.
Aaron: Charlize was AMAZING. She was the CAMPIEST.
Julie: Charlize was super-fun. This was my first K-Stew experience, and I think it must be my last. She is god-awful.
Aaron: It won't be.
Julie: Yes, it will. Unless she is in a film that is Oscar-nominated, I can avoid her.
Aaron: She will be.
Julie: Don't even kid about something like that.

Aaron: Good night.
Julie: Night! Sleep well. Dream of K-Stew's greasy hair.