Shadow (2018)

Shadow (影) is quite a silly film.

I should start by saying that this film's costume design (by Chen Minzheng) and the film's production design (by Ma Kwong Win), are easily some of the best work this year. Both designers have already won the Asian Film Awards and the Golden Horse Awards in their respective categories for designing Shadow.

The film also has a few affecting moments; the performances by the two leads are excellent, for example. But, as usual, Zhang's impeccably gorgeous, slow, bloody spectacles are not to my taste. This felt empty and occasionally even totally nonsensical in its pageantry.

But this is how I always feel about Zhang's movies these days. They look beautiful, yes, but they're not about anything. They're not even really studies in aesthetics. Instead, they're melodramatic machines – they work like little clocks or puzzle boxes – and usually they work well, but once you've gotten inside, there isn't anything there.

Tonto & the Ranger

Julie and I, as a part of a long tradition, get drunk and watch The Lone Ranger.

* * * * *

 

Julie: I'm ready.
Aaron: Give me ten minutes.
Julie: Sure, but I hope you know this mess is two and a half hours long.
Aaron: I do. Such plaintive music! I think these are visual effects.
Julie: Haha. You may be right. Also we have not discussed the most important thing: What are you drinking?
Aaron: Merlot!
Julie: That seems a little classy for Tonto.
Aaron: Merlot isn't so classy, is it?
Julie: There he is! In the museum!
Aaron: "THE NOBLE SAVAGE". We are starting with that racism?
Julie: Well, Tonto is inherently a racist character.
Aaron: Oh this is good makeup!
Julie: Is he eating animal crackers?
Aaron: This is a weird way to begin an action movie. Where is the action? I think they're peanuts.
Julie: Here we go! The non-use of articles is one of the most racist things about this character. Apparently that is a Tonto tradition.
Aaron: Oh great.
Julie: Also, he has always been played by a white guy, so. There's that.
Aaron: But Johnny Depp isn't quite white, right?
Julie: That's the best part! Johnny thinks he might be Cherokee. But according to ancestry.com... He's African American.
Aaron: No you did not bust out ancestry.com.
Julie: Hahahahaha.
Aaron: No way. Really??? That is amazing.
Julie: Right? I mean, we can't trust that site. But: hilarious.
Aaron: Well, this is a Hollywood tradition, right? Non-white people or ethnically ambiguous actors are constantly being paid to play non-white characters.

Aaron: Is that... Tom What's-his-name?
Julie: Um?
Aaron: Hey, it's Pensatucky! I am watching this movie only for the cameos.
Julie: Wait, really? Is that her?
Aaron: Yeah. The woman behind Helena Bonham Carter.
Julie: Oh, I was distracted by HBC's whorish red red red lips and costume
Aaron: I approve of whorish red lips. Do you like Armie Hammer?
Julie: I forgot the Winklevoss was in this. No he's just a pretty face. Perhaps he will be interesting in this one! Or.. perhaps not.
Aaron: I think more than his face is pretty.

Julie: Well, that guy's face sure isn't pretty. Wait, is that the mom from Saving Mr. Banks?!
Aaron: It's her right? Oh maybe it is. I thought it was Pensatucky.
Julie: Ruth Wilson. She's not been in anything else of note.
Aaron: Oh. Hm. Well good for her. 2013 was a big year I guess.
Julie: This poor girl will always be in period dress with a bad accent.
Aaron: Let's hope not, poor thing.
Julie: And that would be Tom Wilkinson. FYI.
Aaron: Tom Whatshisname, Tom Wilkinson. Tomato, Tomahto.
Julie: That dude has a gnarly beard.
Aaron: Who directed this mess? Michael Bay? Gore Verbinski? Is it "Tanto" or "Tonto"?
Julie: Tonto.
Aaron: In Spanish, tonto means foolish.
Julie: I know. When Spain dubbed the original Lone Ranger, they changed his name to Toro. Look at me, I'm a fountain of useless knowledge.
Aaron: I appreciate it. I don't know thing one about this film except what nominations it got. Hahaha. That was funny. PG-13, of course. So the violence will all be fake and only for laughs.

Julie: Well, I guarantee you none of these actors knows as much about Tonto as I just told you. When did Johnny Depp go so wrong? Was it the fourth of fifth Pirates? He is a mess.
Aaron: Long before that.
Julie: He did things before Disney? It's been so long.
Aaron: Well, I was thinking of the second Pirates.
Julie: Oh, yes. That is correct.
Aaron: That second Pirates movie is the worst thing.
Julie: By the way, I already have no idea what is happening.
Aaron: Armie is some kind of district attorney? Something about railroad men? I am glad some action is happening, at least.
Julie: But how did they get together? Did I miss that?
Aaron: Yeah. Armie came in just in time to save Johnny from the criminal guy who just got rescued. But then Armie refused to kill that guy (you know, like you do) and then they both got locked up/captured by those outlaws. What's there to know? Stop the train. Fight the bad guys.
Julie: And why was Johnny locked up again? Because everyone is racist against Injuns? I need some motivation here, Aaron. Help me out.
Aaron: That was not explained as far as I can tell.
Julie: Oh, ok. Then we'll stick with the obvious, if silent, racism.
Aaron: Why is there a bird on his head?
Julie: Because he's an Indian! And that's what they do! What is this music? Who wrote this?
Aaron: Shall we try to guess?
Julie: Hans! The Zimmer Man! (Sorry, I had already looked it up.)
Aaron: Haha. But I love Hans Zimmer. All those drums. By the way, they asked Johnny why he was locked up and he answered "Indian", so your theory was correct.
Julie: Yes! Racism is always the answer. Sondheim should've scored this.
Aaron: Hahaha. Poor Steve. You're terrible.
Julie: Wait, what!? Don't pretend like you don't agree with me.
Aaron: Hahaha. You know I agree.
Julie: Just because he's old doesn't mean he's off the hook.
Aaron: But he's so old and white and closety.
Julie: He's not closely! He has a 25 year old boyfriend or something Doesn't he?
Aaron: He does? Good for him.
Julie: Closely? Am I that drunk? I meant closety.
Aaron: You can't be drunk yet! We have like two hours left in this drama.
Julie: I'm almost done with my first beer. And half the Cheez-its. I eat my feelings! The Racism is making me upset.
Aaron: Step away from the Cheez-It.
Julie: I can't. They're so cheesy.

Aaron: I think this movie used to be called Rango and starred a lizard. Now he's a Texas Ranger?
Julie: Well, it is Gore Verbinski!
Aaron: Is it? I was thinking it was Michael Bay.
Julie: I want a spirit horse!
Aaron: I do too!
Julie: How does one get one of those, do you think?
Aaron: Wasn't there a movie called Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron where Matt Damon was a horse? I think for it to be your spirit horse you have to break it yourself or something.
Julie: Oh my gosh, there sure was. I want a Matt Damon Horse. Yes, but where are all the visual effects?
Aaron: There are, so far, a bunch of really cool shots.

L'Arrivée d'un Train en Gare de La Ciotat

Julie: Yes, but where are all the visual effects?
Aaron: A train came right at us!
Julie: Um. Wasn't that the first film ever made? Haven't we made any improvements in a century?
Aaron: Did you see Elysium? I think it was robbed in the VFX department. You are so right about that train and the first film.
Julie: Elysium was boring as hell and the effects were no bueno.
Aaron: Trains always make me think of Freud and trauma, too.
Julie: Freud has a thing with trains? It is your time to shine dramaturgically and tell me what that means.
Aaron: Honestly, I am the worst Freudian. I have forgotten all of that. But Freud's first explanations of post-traumatic symptoms are related to having experienced a train crash.
Julie: The Lumière Brothers. They did the train first, and it was better.
Aaron: Perhaps the Academy was feeling nostalgic? (Like in the 2011 season?)

Julie: Ewwww. Is he taking his heart?
Aaron: I don't know, but this is way too much for a PG13 movie.
Julie: Ewwww. Did I need to see him vomit?! PG13 my ass. This shit nasty.
Aaron: I think he ate something. Like his kidney or something.
Julie: I feel that is racist in some way. I don't know how. But it is.
Aaron: Haha! It is, of course. The true lawmen are behaving properly. But the evil guys are "savages" right?
Julie: Ok, this narrative frame is total cribbing of Princess Bride.
Aaron: This narrative frame is asinine.
Julie: This is stupid. Is it supposed to teach me something? Also, is that Johnny Depp?
Aaron: Best Makeup. Yes.
Julie: Nice. But is it as good as Bad Grandpa? That is the question.
Aaron: No way. Absolutely not.
Julie: What is the other nominee? I forget.
Aaron: The winner: Dallas Buyers Club.

Spirit Horse!

Julie: Aw shit. I hope not. (Side note: I finished my beer and am drinking water until you catch up.)
Aaron: Catch up to what? I've had a quarter of a bottle of Merlot. And of course Dallas Buyers Club is gonna win.
Julie: Haha. You've got nearly 2 hours to polish that off. Spirit Horse! Do you think they painted the horse? I feel like he must be in white-face.
Aaron: HAHA. It is a really white horse.
Julie: He must be an albino.
Aaron: All of this exposition. It is so unnecessary.
Julie: Ew that horse crap was unnecessary.
Aaron: This is Verbinski's main problem. It's for teenage boys. So we have shit jokes. And racism. Teenagers love that shit.
Julie: I just looked him up and didn't realize Gore was so young! I feel like he's 65 but he isn't.
Aaron: He and Brett Ratner are about the same age, right? They've always seemed really similar to me.
Julie: Brett's four years younger, so basically.

Julie: Bunnies!
Aaron: Back to the narrative frame. Oh. No. It's just bad effects.
Julie: Oh my goodness, do you remember that oscar short that was all bunnies a few years back? It was so good. Sorry, I'm distracted by the bunnies.
Aaron: No. Bunnies?
Julie: Rabbit a la Berlin. So good!
Aaron: OK. I will watch it later. Or perhaps during this film.
Julie: I recommend the latter.

Julie: Did he just say his bird hat was angry?
Aaron: "Bird. Angry."
Julie: Angry Birds?
Aaron: Disney's product placement. So. Much. Exposition.
Julie: Really? I guess I'm just not listening to any of it.
Aaron: I know, but that's the point: why is there so much exposition? The film could be so much better if there were some guns or some explosions or something.
Julie: He needs to stop saying Kemosabe.
Aaron: Or an evil animated rattlesnake.
Julie: Well, we still have an hour and a half. It could happen.
Aaron: Also, let me just say that I wish this were a little more homoerotic.
Julie: Again, we have an hour and a half. 

Julie: I feel like Baz Luhrmann wants to be in this scene.
Aaron: I was just going to say that. Party sequences filmed by Baz.
Julie: He should totally do that! Just film everyone else's party scenes and leave the rest of the movie to the professionals. Is this like Batman? No one can recognize him because his eyes are covered in a black mask? Oh my god, her shoes. They just shot the table!
Aaron: Such a Tarantino rip-off.
Julie: Oh yeah? Huh.
Aaron: The guy who ate the heart is an evil spirit actually.. A windigo or wendigo or something. He eats human flesh.
Julie: He's just like Charlize Theron. I wish this were campier, like that movie.
Aaron: This movie has racist portrayals of black people, too.
Julie: Wendigo! Wait, there are black people?
Aaron: The bouncer.

Julie: The horse is as drunk as I am!
Aaron: Haha. I need more Merlot.
Julie: I need more Harp.
Aaron: The horse is supposed to be a spirit animal. And it gets wasted? Why does he keep saying kemosabe? Did you look that up too? What does it mean?
Julie: Ke-mo sah-bee (often spelled kemo sabe or kemosabe) is the term of endearment and catchphrase used by the intrepid and ever-faithful fictional Native American sidekick Tonto. Tonto originated that word! Who knew!
Aaron: Apparently white people in Texas were just as racist back then as they are now.
Julie: Ultimately derived from giimoozaabi, an Ojibwe and Potawatomi word that probably meant "scout", it is sometimes translated as "trusty scout" or "faithful friend". Its use has become so widespread that it was entered into Webster's New Millennium Dictionary in 2002.
Aaron: You are a font of knowledge.
Julie: I am good at Wikipedia.
Aaron: It's a good thing to be good at.
Julie: I wish this was a horror movie. I mean, dude is eating hearts! Why isn't there a Tonto horror movie like that? (Racism.) OH MY GOD. Is he in blackface?! AND A DRESS?
Aaron: He is. "This ain't what it looks like mister. I just like them pretty things." Well it looks like blackface drag. Is that what it is?

Julie: HAHAHA. Johnny should get the Razzie for this. It is terrible.
Aaron: So what keeps happening is that the film continues to point out that white people are, like, really racist and awful and xenophobic. While the film itself also manages to be really racist and awful with every single one of its portrayals.
Julie: Well, Disney isn't exactly known for being PC. Song of the South and all. They are kind of clueless, even when well-intentioned.
Aaron: Effects! Flying horse.
Julie: I missed the effects! because I was thinking of zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Dammit.
Aaron: I am willing to wager that your memory of Zip-a-dee-doo-dah was better than the effects. Ugh. More cartoony PG13 violence.

Julie: HAHA. Probably true. The redface is making my night. This movie is out of control with the racist makeup.
Aaron: For which it received an Oscar nomination. Actually, I am pretty sure the makeup nomination is for the old-age makeup in the frame.
Julie: He just explained Kemosabe! We were supposed to wait for it.
Aaron: So he did.
Julie: But that took an awfully long time.
Aaron: I am glad you looked it up. What did he actually say?
Julie: Oh, I don't know. I'm drunk.
Aaron: "Young brother"?
Julie: That sounds right.
Aaron: The guy who dresses in drag is named Butch. [I got this wrong, actually, but who can blame me?]
Julie: I love that he's still wearing that bonnet.
Aaron: And the wendigo just told him to "tell him straight"!
Julie: Hahaha

Julie: You can't shoot Mrs. Banks!
Aaron: I think we've all seen enough of these movies to know he doesn't shoot her. Why even bother setting it up?
Julie: But that face plant was awesome.
Aaron: I mean, it's all so predictable! Oh no, I missed it!
Julie: Mrs. Banks falls well. Hey, Black Beauty showed up! OH NO!
Aaron: OMG.
Julie: Animal cruelty. I am calling PETA.
Aaron: "Horse. Dead." Jesus.
Julie: Who's spirit animal was that? What a shame.
Aaron: He only uses nouns.
Julie: He just used a verb.
Aaron: This music was composed by Hans Zimmer?
Julie: Yessir. He just called himself a savage. Was he being ironic?
Aaron: Ironically.
Julie: Is he a hipster Injun?
Aaron: He's Johnny Depp. He invented hipster culture.
Julie: So true.

Julie: Nice scream, Armie. LOL!
Aaron: He is hot.
Julie: I am just not into him.
Aaron: I'll say this for Armie: he knows what kind of movie he's in. Orlando Bloom never did.
Julie: Truth.
Aaron: Barry Pepper! Told you  I was in this for the cameos.
Julie: But there aren't that many! There should be more.
Aaron: There should.
Julie: Also, Armie's mask is throwing me off. It's like he's going to the masquerade in the Phantom. He's in the sweat lodge! I hope they start singing "Colors of the Wind".
Aaron: That is not a sweat lodge. That is just a regular old teepee.
Julie: Whatever. They can still sing.
Aaron: This is so racist. Oh Jesus.
Julie: See! They're laughing at his mask too!
Aaron: "Many moons ago"? Really?
Julie: Exposition. 
Aaron: By which you mean more exposition.
Julie: But this is the first time I'm listening. Kind of.
Aaron: See, this is the thing that pisses me off. They act like evil white people killed the native peoples of the Americas. Such bullshit. The people who killed the natives were regular middle-class assholes. Not special hateful ones. Just normal ones.
Julie: The stories we tell ourselves...
Aaron: Right. "We are already ghosts". Wow. That was a good line. I'm actually emotional about that one.
Julie: I am emotional about the fact that that Native American actor is in this piece-of-shit movie.

Aaron: Where is the magic horse, Júlia?
Julie: I don't know, but I need some magic.
Aaron: Me too. Visual effects!
Julie: YAY! Horsey's back! Oh my god, he's so cute. And he just ate the scorpions.
Aaron: He is cute!
Julie: Um, no. Armie cannot pull himself out of sand with his teeth. Ridic. I have to (tee)pee. Be right back.
Aaron: If there is going to be a silver mine, there will probably be Chinese immigrants, too. Yep. Here they are.
Julie: Naturally.
Aaron: What we just saw was preposterous. A cave that has been dug by miners or railroad men cannot have Indian cave paintings on it. It has just been dug.
Julie: Aaron, you are being logical. But this movie is not. You have to accept its fictions!
Aaron: Finally an explosion. I've been waiting.

Julie: Fun music, Hans! Is he gay or straight (in real life)?
Aaron: Hans Zimmer?
Julie: HAHAHA. Well, yes, I'd like to know that too. But I was talking about Armie.
Aaron: Armie Hammer, as far as I know, is quite straight. [So is Hans Zimmer, as it turns out.]
Julie: Hmm.
Aaron: Long term girlfriend, I think.
Julie: I kind of want to watch Pirates now. Johnny is way more fun in that.
Aaron: He is really good in that.

Julie: Is she about to get acupuncture?
Aaron: Chinese woman? Keeper of oriental mysteries. This film.
Julie: Haha. truth. Is that Barry?
Aaron: It is.
Julie: Wow, we haven't seen him in anything in a long time.
Aaron: This man is obsessed with the railroads. But in 21st-century film that signals über-capitalist obsession. Which signals: bad. So Tom Wilkinson will turn out to be a villain of some sort. Just wait.
Julie: Well, clearly. I already thought he was one.
Aaron: Barry Pepper knows what kind of movie he's in, as well.
Julie: She certainly doesn't.
Aaron: What is happening? Whoa. This just got crazy.
Julie: Tom was praying.
Aaron: Is this Fiddler on the Roof? I thought they were going to sing "Sabbath Prayer"
Julie: Tom's beard is really bad. It is too bushy and not the right color.
Aaron: Is his beard fake?
Julie: Um, clearly
Aaron: I think that beard is real.
Julie: Really? How can we find out?
Julie: "Stupid white man." Yup.
Aaron: Yup. Eating Caesar salad.
Julie: Hahaha. I love a good Caesar salad.
Aaron: Julie, I am obsessed with Caesar salads. I make them at home now.
Julie: Really? One can be obsessed with Caesar salads?
Aaron: I crave them, honestly. I know. It's crazy.
Julie: But they are like so unhealthy for you. I remain unimpressed by these train visuals.
Aaron: As do I. What's wrong with a sensible Caesar salad?
Julie: Wait, I thought that kid was Armie's? Who is his dad?
Aaron: Maybe it is. I don't know, actually. How old is he?
Julie: No, he was whining about his dad maybe being dead. So it can't be Armie.
Aaron: The boy, I mean.
Julie: 10?
Aaron: Well, Armie says that the girl and he stopped talking 8 years ago. So... maybe.
Julie: Mmmmk.

Aaron: In these kinds of movies, why don't people who want each other dead simply kill one another?
Instead, they defer it.
Julie: Because then the movie would be 10 minutes long.
Aaron: The death, I mean. What would Derrida say?
Julie: WWDS?

Arrow-scene from Zhang Yimou's Hero.

Aaron: The Chinese workers are actually wearing the hats they wear on the rice paddies. Like, seriously? For digging tunnels? Seems impractical. And fucking racist.
Julie: YESSSSS SO MUCH RACISM. Hard to believe we still have 40 min to go.
Aaron: Oh for Heaven's sake. We do? What else could possibly occur?
Julie: Exposition.
Aaron: Hahahaha. True.
Julie: The Indians are coming!
Aaron: This scene brought to you by Zhang Yimou.
Julie: :D
Aaron: At least Verbinski watches other people's movies. OMG! Kurosawa shot. That is the famous Seven Samurai shot.
Julie: I love Hans just rocking out in the background. He knows how to get the job done.
Aaron: This is horrible.
Julie: And by horrible you mean amazing. Explosion!
Aaron: That was cool. By horrible I just mean how the slaughtering of thousands of native people is just one more fun adventure sequence.
Julie: Barry killed the old Indian!!!!!! I hate Barry. He really is a ghost now.
Aaron: JULIE!
Julie: What?
Aaron: Does Johnny's whiteface wash off in the river? Apparently not.
Julie: Where is the horse? That's all I'm worried about. He is the best actor in this thing.
Aaron: Seriously. The film keeps forgetting about the horse.
Julie: I don't understand how you can forget about a spirit animal like that.
Aaron: Me either.OK but seriously where is the horse?
Julie: Yay! We just saw him!
Aaron: Oh there he is.
Julie: :)

Aaron: Wait, this is somehow about the transcontinental railroad?
Julie: I don't care about the railroad. And I don't think this film does either.
Aaron: Cameo! It's the guy who plays that guy who loves staplers in Office Space. No. You are wrong. This film is obsessed with calling the railroad evil. This film is anti-technology.
Julie: But that is so weird.
Aaron: Stephen Root? I think I thought of his name.
Julie: Who? I don't know who that is.
Aaron: The guy Tom Wilkinson is talking to.
Julie: He's talking to a lot of guys.
Aaron: This scene stolen from The Godfather.
Julie: HAHAHA. Yes. The Lone Ranger, The Godfather. Basically the same.
Aaron: "Hurry up wid dem grapes". What?
Julie: Is the black guy Jamaican? What the hell is happening?
Aaron: "The National Anthem".
Julie: Johnny is not anti-technology, though. There goes that train.
Aaron: Is he stealing all that silver? Is that what's happening?
Julie: I'm not sure. But the horse is back, so I'm happy.
Aaron: This is the William Tell Overture.
Julie: Sure is.
Aaron: Is that a Lone Ranger thing?
Julie: Yes.
Aaron: I love the William Tell Overture. These are visual effects. YES.

Aaron: Terrible. This movie is terrible. Did it do well at the box office?
Julie: You were just excited about it! No, I'm pretty sure it did badly.
Aaron: He hit the girl in the head with a piece of coal And she fell like a cartoon and then got back up.
Julie: Reference: "Johnny Depp Blames Critics for Lone Ranger Bombing at the Box Office".

Aaron: Zimmer is having a good time.
Julie: Well somebody should be.
Aaron: There are two railroad tracks that run parallel to one another. In what world?
Julie: Hahahahaha In Gore's world.
Aaron: Hahaha. That grape slingshot thing was a good joke This movie's second good joke. I've forgotten the first.
Julie: I missed both of them.
Aaron: Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Or an unloaded gun to a knife-fight.
Julie: That was the first joke?
Aaron: No. That was just good advice.
Julie: Ah. I'll keep that in mind. I am waiting for them to make this into a ride at Disney World. That would be fun.
Aaron: Depp blamed the critics for this film's bad performance?
Julie: Apparently. Isn't that hysterical? It couldn't possibly be his terrible performance.
Aaron: Perhaps he ought to have blamed a) his lack of a desire to get in shape for the film and b) his continual need to work with Verbinski. But, like, the critics were right. I love Hans Zimmer right now, though. He just hasn't stopped!
Julie: Yes, he's making this part tolerable.
Aaron: He truly is.
Julie: He just threw Armie a bullet. And he caught it. From a moving train. This movie.
Aaron: Like. James. Bond.
Julie: Just. Like.
Aaron: You cannot shoot a car off a moving train. I am sorry.
Julie: In Gore's world, anything is possible. What is with this time piece?
Aaron: I don't know. The future? The past? No idea. Another watch.
Julie: Hmm. Another of Gore's enigmas.
Aaron: Remember when Rango won Best Animated Feature?
Julie: Unfortunately.
Aaron: Dayne and I always talk about how awful it is. He says thank you for the Her score link, by the way.
Julie: You're welcome? I'm mad at those Her people. That is ridiculous. [We are talking about the fact that the score for Her hasn't been released on iTunes or CD.]
Aaron: It is! That score is gorgeous!
Julie: And it's the only one that would actually make money and they just failed to make it. Like, seriously? Wait, is it over? The bunny just ate the scorpion! What does that mean?
Aaron: Huh? Back to the frame?
Julie: You missed it.
Aaron: No, I saw it. I've onloy had one bottle of Merlot.
Julie: Onloy?
Aaron: OK.

Mr. Fichtner.

Julie: Never take off the mask. Oh. It's over.
Aaron: There will be a button, surely.
Julie: You and your buttons. I always just turn shit off.
Aaron: And now the credits. Which clearly arrive with shame. Who would take credit for this?
Julie: Johnny was a producer. Hans!
Aaron: Well usually I just fastforward until the end of the credits to make sure there isn't a button. I like this tupeface. Typeface.
Julie: Tupeface? Hehehehe.
Aaron: It might be my favorite part of the movie. William Fichtner? That was Willliam Fichtner? James Frain was in this? Who was he?
Julie: I don't know; they all had beards.
Aaron: Remember when he used to get work regularly? I miss him.
Julie: That button sucked.
Aaron: Seriously, though, this movie was already made. And it was called Rango. And it was about greedy railroad barons. And it was just as Manichaeistic as this one.
Julie: Well, as Tina and Amy say, if something goes kind of well, Hollywood will just keep doing it until everyone hates it. I really don't think I even watched Rango all the way through. I am over putting myself through this shit.
Aaron: Haha. This score is great. The winner for the evening is Hans Zimmer.
Julie: Sorry, Hans, but I've gotta go with the horse. I mean, he at the scorpions and was generally delightful.
Aaron: Oh. You might be right. I change my vote. Horse and then Hans.
Julie: Wait, did the horse even have a name?
Aaron: Silver! "Hi yo, Silver!"
Julie: Oh. HAHAHAHA.
Aaron: Julie. Come on. I thought you researched this shit.
Julie: He didn't say it until the end! And then I was just like, oh! Yeah! That phrase! haha.
Aaron: Yeah, but, like. It's famous.
Julie: Shut it.
Aaron: No, they had a whole convo about naming the old mare.
Julie: At least I knew the William Tell Overture was from The Lone Ranger.
Aaron: True. I knew enough to ask...?
Julie: They had convos about a lot of things that were unimportant, Aaron. How was I supposed to know when to pay attention?
Aaron: Can I ask a question about the botton? Button. Jesus. Merlot.
Julie: HAHAHA Sure.
Aaron: Where is Tonto going?
Julie: I have no idea. He got all dressed up and everything. No clue.
Aaron: He is wearing a suit.
Julie: He must be looking for Silver.
Aaron: I'm looking for another glass of wine.
Julie: Hahaha. How many have you had? I only had two beers. And I am ready to pass out.
Aaron: Let's close out the Lone Ranger. Does it win anything?
Julie: No.
Aaron: Anbolutely not.
Julie: Yeah, I mean, that old Indian makeup was good, but that's not enough to win. And visual FX were not even on par with the other noms.
Aaron: Totally agree.
Julie: Sorry, Johnny.
Aaron: Also, no one is going to see this except us.
Julie: So sad. So true.
Aaron: Not sad.
Julie: We are dedicated (fools).
Aaron: Indeed.
Julie: Ok, I need to go to bed. Please edit me into a coherent, sober being.
Aaron: Good night.
Julie: Peace out. Hi-yo Silver. And all that Jazz.

Some of our earlier dialogues: The Avengers, Snow White and the Huntsman, Anonymous.

Gong Li

Do you know about Gong Li? She was Zhang Yimou's muse in the 1990s when they made Ju Dou, Raise the Red Lantern, To Live, and Shanghai Triad together. She was also the female lead in Chen Kaige's Farewell, My Concubine. More recently she reunited with Zhang for Curse of the Golden Flower. She was also in the absurd USAmerican film Memoirs of a Geisha, but more importantly, she had a fantastic role in Wong Kar-Wai's 2046. She is a fierce, exciting actress, and I've always been blown away by both her incredible beauty and her onscreen power.

Love her.

Three More Movies

Zhang Yimou's Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles is a story about an old man who has a nearly irreparable relationship with his son. To fix his relationship with his son, he decides to travel from Japan to China to film something for his son: something that his son has wanted to see for a very long time. The film is about technology and human relations—the technology sometimes intervenes, sometimes cannot help at all. It's an interesting movie about communication and translation and finding the ability to be clear about emotions without the help of media. It's Zhang Yimou, too, so that means that the movie looks gorgeous. This is a far cry from Yimou's wide, sweeping costume dramas that are usually more about style than substance (Hero, House of Flying Daggers, Curse of the Golden Flower). This, rather, is a simple story about human connection. I liked it okay, but I found it to be a bit of a retread of old material. I suppose I'm a bit tired of crusty old men finding new joy and new reasons for living in the eyes of children. It's an old story, after all.

Mommie Dearest is a fucking classic. I hadn't seen it until now. Faye Dunaway gives a performance that is sheer brilliance and the little girl who plays Christina Crawford, Mara Hobel, is extraordinary. Faye's transformation is, in itself, extraordinary. She tears into the role and it's absolutely delicious to watch. I loved every minute of it. It's campy, sure, and it's a horror movie, of course—a genre not traditionally taken seriously by anyone—but this is a great movie. (P.S. We also watched some of the John Waters commentary. That man is a genius.)

Today's movie was John Huston's film noir piece The Asphalt Jungle, which I loved. The ending is too 1950s for my taste, but it's still a great noir picture, easily one of the best I've seen.

The Nominees: Part VII of VIII (Aren't We Done Yet?)

THE ILLUSIONIST

1 Nomination:

Best Cinematography: Dick Pope

Director: Neil Burger (Interview with the Assassin)
Cast: Edward Norton, Jessica Biel, Paul Giamatti, Rufus Sewell

Zzzzz. This is a bad movie, and don't see it for the cinematography either. I mean, yay, Dick Pope's first nomination and all, but from what I recall of this movie (and I spent a lot of it wishing I would fall asleep), I remember that there aren't very many wide shots because it's kind of a low budget affair with very few sets. This is mostly an interior picture. And I could tell that as I was watching it. I am skeptical of this nomination. There are much more deserving pictures that might've appeared here. Including Best Picture nominee The Departed, which is brilliantly shot.
Will Win: N/A
Might Also Win: N/A
My Rating: #65 out of 71

MARIE ANTOINETTE

1 Nomination:

Best Costume Design: Milena Canonero (The Affair of the Necklace, Titus, Dick Tracy, Tucker: the Man and His Dream, Out of Africa, and two trophies: Chariots of Fire and Barry Lyndon)

Director: Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation, The Virgin Suicides)
Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Steve Coogan, Shirley Henderson, Rip Torn, Molly Shannon, Asia Argento

Very good movie. Awful reviews. But the costumes in this film are really a vision. And Canonero hasn't won since 1982. I want her to win again. This category seems sort of tough to predict, but I think I will predict it for the win... mostly because Canonero is who I'm rooting for.
Will Win: Best Costume Design
Might Also Win: N/A
My Rating: #23 out of 71

CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER

1 Nomination:

Best Costume Design: Yee Chung Man

Director: Zhang Yimou (House of Flying Daggers, Hero, Raise the Red Lantern, Ju Dou, To Live, Shanghai Triad)
Cast: Chow Yun Fat, Gong Li, Jay Chou, Ye Liu, Man Li, Jin Chen

This movie is fun stuff. Of course, almost nobody saw it. It's not a big martial arts/swordfighting bonanza like Flying Daggers and Hero were. And is it just me or was it not marketed as much as those two flicks were? It has all of the eye candy of those films and more if you ask me. Anyway, congrats to the designer on this nomination. And let's hope for more stuff of substance from Yimou. He is a master filmmaker with a lot more good stuff in him. And any excuse to see Gong Li is a good one in my opinion.
Will Win: N/A
Might Also Win: N/A
My Rating: #33 out of 71

THE GOOD SHEPHERD

1 Nomination:

Best Art Direction: Jeannine Oppewall (Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, L.A. Confidential), Gretchen Rau (The Last Samurai, Memoirs of a Geisha—she died last year) & Leslie E. Rollins

Director: Robert De Niro
Cast: Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro, William Hurt, Gabriel Macht, Timothy Hutton, Lee Pace, Joe Pesci, Billy Crudup, John Turturro, Michael Gambon

Just look at that cast! And then look at my rating down below. I have no explanation for this film or this film's appearance among the nominees for an Academy Award. The only thing I can think of is that everyone who saw this movie just stared at the sets because the plot was so sleep-inducing. Actually, in all fairness, the film does cover a huge span of time and involves lots of beautiful set work. It starts at the beginning of the cold war, so the look of the film really is exquisite, particularly when the film moves across the pond to England and the USSR. In addition, there is a whole plotline that involves the contents of a single specific room. The plot is, in a way about the set. But goddamn, this film is awful.
Will Win: N/A
Might Also Win: N/A
My Rating: #71 out of 71

THE GOOD GERMAN

1 Nomination:

Best Original Score: Thomas Newman (Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, Finding Nemo, Road to Perdition, American Beauty, Unstrung Heroes, Little Women, The Shawshank Redemption)

Director: Steven Soderbergh (Ocean's Eleven and Twelve, Erin Brockovich, Full Frontal, Traffic, Out of Sight, The Limey)
Cast: George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, Tobey Maguire

Does anyone have an explanation for how this film missed out on a cinematography nomination? I mean, look at that picture! It's gorgeous. But let's talk about Thomas Newman. My favorite of his scores is the underappreciated Nemo, but this guy has obviously been doing a lot of good work in a very short time. Shawshank was 1995 and it's 2007. That's thirteen years and Newman now has eight nominations. But no wins yet. I don't think he's going to win with this one either, but he needs to get one soon. I also want to talk a little about the score that's actually nominated here. Newman's music has a distinctive sound. We all know the way it works from the "Six Feet Under" soundtrack. Kind of minimalist. High on precussions and low on big orchestrations. But not the score for The Good German. Newman has composed a huge, 1940's movie score. It's grand and opulent and very beautiful. So this is a well-deserved nomination. Hand this man an Oscar soon!
Will Win: N/A
Might Also Win: N/A
My Rating: Unranked: This film has not appeared in Tallahassee just yet.

One more to go...

Three Reviews

I say this to spare you. If you're heterosexual, don't see Another Gay Movie. You will be horrified. Ryan and I watched this movie on Thursday night and both of us were in hysterics and totally mortified as well. It's hilarious and irreverent and ridiculous. A lot of noise has been made about this movie. Most people saying "why do gay people need a movie like this," and I suppose it's dreadfully lowbrow of me to say that I enjoyed the film. My gay friend and I needed a little time together to bond and this movie was so ludicrous, so plotlessly asinine, so deliriously campy, that we laughed our heads off. A good time was had by all: certainly the filmmakers enjoyed themselves making it. This movie has no fear; it goes where you think no movie would be willing to go to find humor and it's definitely worth it.

And I loved Friends with Money. A reviewer in Los Angeles when it came out called Nicole Holofcener the Jane Austen of Los Angeles and I totally understand why. It's a lovely, thoughtful and funny film about Angelenos and their foibles, loves, insecurities, etc. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was sad and romantic and very funny with some running gags that are priceless. There is also a final touching moment at the end that I won't spoil, but was, for me, the icing on the cake of the film. It's a movie about friendships, marriages, loneliness and wealth. Loved it.

And today I finally saw Zhang Yimou's Curse of the Golden Flower, Zhang finally has reunited with his muse from the 1990's, Gong Li (they made Raise the Red Lantern, To Live, Ju Dou, and Shanghai Triad together) and the film is quite good. As you may know, I am not a fan of Zhang's recent work. I haven't yet seen Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles, but I was mostly bored with both the ridiulously over-praised Hero and the Takeshi Kaneshiro-starring House of Flying Daggers. Golden Flower is not a martial arts movie. Instead, it is a royal melodrama of the Lion in Winter variety. Sons and heirs and incestuous relationships and betrayal. This is a film with tricks and surprises up its sleeve. It's also breathtakingly gorgeous to look at. But (and here's the surprise) it's also a film that actually cares about the thousands of people it slaughters, and takes time to deconstruct the pageantry and beauty of all of those monochromatic court ceremonies. It's high tragedy and high diva stuff. Gong Li is totally fucking fabulous and soars in her role and Jay Chou is fantastic as her loyal son. It's a surprisingly excellent film.

Let's also just take a moment to appreciate how gorgeous Gong Li is:

That's all.

The Promise of More

Tonight I wasted my time on yet another Chinese epic promising bold visuals, acid color palettes and fabulous swordsmanship. This one was called The Promise and is an entry into the genre by Chinese master filmmaker Chen Kaige (who, you may remember, directed the brilliant Farewell, My Concubine.)

I have to learn to talk myself out of going to see films from this spectacular Chinese genre. Their trailers lure me with the promise of visual panache, eye candy and good actors but I am inevitably let down by the film itself, which always lacks substance and more often than not is chock-full of totally ludicrous sentiment and nonsense. I speak to you of Hero (a film I did not appreciate) and House of Flying Daggers (a film I appreciated only slightly better.) The Promise is one of these: a lovely film on the surface, but a film without real characters and a film completely devoid of honest emotion.

The Promise is much worse than both Daggers and Hero, though, because the director, Kaige Chen, doesn't have the will to pull his film through the way Zhang Yimou did with the other two. The costumes for The Promise are gorgeous, stunning things, and the art direction is pretty if boring and lacking wit. Unfortunately, the visual effects are not good at all and though the costumes are lovely, Chen doesn't use them to their advantage. Using a beautiful costume is something Yimou knows how to do brilliantly, and both House of Flying Daggers and Hero use theirs to full effect: the costumes and colors signifying emotion, vacillating loyalties and freedom. The costumes in The Promise signify nothing at all, even though a certain set of "crimson armor" is all anyone talks about for a good forty minutes of the film.

The actors are good enough in The Promise: Hiroyuki Sanada (The White Countess & The Twilight Samurai) especially and the villain is a gorgeous young man by the name of Nicholas Tse, but this film is terrible.

I have debated a lot with other movie lovers about style over substance: when it is okay and when it isn't. It is a rare film where the style is enough to make up for a lack of substance. I, frankly, can't think of one. My aforementioned boredom with both Flying Daggers and Hero is a testament to my preference for substance. I love Douglas Sirk (who doesn't?) but then I think he was still a really good storyteller... and the thing about Sirk for me is that even though everything was so contrived, he was trying to get at something serious: some deep human truths. For me, though, The Promise is this year's Star Wars: Episode III. It's a movie that is completely and totally about style and isn't any good at style. In a word: pointless.

Kung Fu

Stephen Chow's Kung Fu Hustle is part Charlie Chaplin, part Akira Kurosawa, part Vincente Minelli and part Zhang Yimou. You might think that this combination would be crap. But oh how wrong you would be. Kung Fu Hustle is hilarious, visually cool, and always inventive.

I've been seeing more Italian cinema than usual, as well. Last night on the recommendation of my boss I saw Luchino Visconti's Death in Venice from 1971. It's very good, but it's not a movie I would go around recommending. It's a very very sad film about death and morality amidst a plague (a symbol, perhaps, for moral weakness) set to the music of Gustav Mahler. Like I said, it's wonderfully made, but I didn't love it. (Sound familiar?)

Friday nights blow... I'm always too tired to really do anything like go out dancing or partying or dating (oh yeah, I don't do that anyway.)

I still don't have a concept for The Two Gentlemen. Why am I suddenly a talentless hack who can't even come up with a concept? Grr. I need to read it again. It will come to me. Maybe it hasn't come because the cast isn't finalized...

Oh... and I got the script that I've been hired to direct in the Fall and the gods must be crazy. Stephen Jeffreys' version of Hard Times clocks in at three hours. What? The Heidi Stillman version you see at right (if you're reading this on my main page) is a totally different animal, evidently, although the characters--and some of the lines--are the same. Hmm. I guess I have my work cut out for me.

I may be forsaking Rodrigo Santoro...

I saw House of Flying Daggers last night and I liked it better than Hero... though not that much better. It is just as rooted in silly melodrama and fantasy, though I liked the politics of this one better and the end makes a lot more sense than Hero's. Also, House is not as outlandish and seems a tad bit more rooted in reality.

But the real discovery of last night was Takeshi Kaneshiro. Oh my god, this man is beautiful.

Movies I've Seen Recently That Have Been Sort of Crap

WarGames. Lame. I love Ally Sheedy, but this movie was lame.  I wish I could save the world with a game of tic-tac-toe.

Havana.  Must we always see Cuba with a backdrop of 1958?  The reason for this is that Cuba after 1959 doesn't include any white people.  I'm tired of looking at this period in Cuba's history.  Let's see something else.  I still love Lena Olin, though.

Is Paris Burning?  This was supposed to be a star-studded extravaganza.  No.  The audio is horrible, but that's beside the point because this movie (clocking in at 172 minutes) is fucking boring.

Down with Love.  Down with this movie.  It was cute for the first 40 minutes and then it went south in a real hurry.  I really disliked Renée Zellweger in this film.  Her acting is just bad.  Ewan McGregor, however, can trick me into believing he's an astronaut any day of the week.

First Love.  Boo to Deana Durbin (who looks exactly like Renée Zellweger would look if she ate every once in a while), and boo to this partial retelling of the Cinderella story and partial ripoff of Victor Schertzinger's One Night of Love.

Hero.  Pretty... and pretty sentimental.  I love Zhang Yimou, but this movie was boring.  Hopefully his next film, House of Flying Daggers, is better.

It's a Wonderful Life.  Whatever.  This movie was good for a little while.  But it's sooo sentimental and schmaltzy.  I know everyone will say I have a heart of stone, but giving up your dreams to make other people happy is not "a wonderful life."  It may be noble, and he may feel some sort of righteousness, but he's still not living his dream and he's still not happy.  Jimmy Stewart was great, though.  I have to admit.

The Bostonians.  I usually like Merchant/Ivory.  At least I think I do.  The main problem with this movie is the always boring Christopher Reeve in the lead role.  Thank god he doesn't do movies anymore.  The lead girl and he have no chemistry and the lead girl is annoying in her own right.  I can't remember her name because I'm trying to forget it.

Here comes the Bride

I just saw the best western made since Unforgiven.  And if you didn't like Unforgiven, I just saw the best western made since Shane.  It was entitled Kill Bill: Vol. 2.  Not as interesting as Vol. 1, and not nearly as satisfying, Vol. 2 is a film without a heart, which would be okay, but it seems as if it's trying to have one.  It doesn't, though, it only knows heart when the heart is exploding.  That's not to say it's not good... because I already said that's it's the best western since 1992, but it's a genre piece and nothing more.

Michael Madsen is wonderful, and Darryl Hannah has never looked more fabulous.  David Carradine is not sexy no matter how hard he tries to be, and Uma Thurman is pretty damn near close to fucking brilliant.  This is a tough, tough movie, that spits nails and winks at the audience.  It's a revenge film that kept me guessing until the very end... and it has a sublime ending.  So sublime that, finally, after all of that... it becomes a silent movie: the only way it can tell us the end is through a title page.

Tarantino knows what he's doing, there's no question about that.  But I don't think he feels very much, and as we know, I am all about feeling.  He is unquestionably a skilled writer and director, but I want to love the characters I watch.  I want to be emotionally affected (perhaps this is why I have such a love-hate relationship with Spielberg).

Vol. 2 is brilliantly shot, by the way, and if the cinematography doesn't get an Oscar nomination, the Academy ought to hang its golden head in shame.

The HOA meeting was still going on when I left at 9:40p!!!  There were 6 board members to begin with plus me, Debra from next door, Martha (my friend), Rosie and her husband (can he please shut up!), Galindo from downstairs, some guy from my floor who talks to me in the elevator, and some guy who I befriended at the last meeting.  Plus Erika Woo, who I fucking went to school with, who was in the fucking Bakkhai was there!  She lives in 124.  Who knew?  These are the only people who came to the meeting.  We decided on a new management company.  We fired our old management company.  We picked a contractor to paint the lobby and the stairwells.  We discussed paint colors.  We picked a contractor to lay new tile in the lobby.  We had a hearing on fines for some asshole who owns a condo on the first floor and rented it out to vandalizing motherfuckers.  The board put their foot down on his ass.  I was pleased.

Dean, the board president, was totally checking me out and almost blew a gasket when I left abruptly at 20 minutes to ten.  I felt good about it.

Steve is leaving for Europe tomorrow.  Life is great.

Now that I've seen the new Tarantino, I need to get out and see Young Adam with Ewan MacGregor.  It's supposed to be pretty hot stuff.

Oh, did everyone see the trailer to Hero with Jet Li before Vol. 2?  Let me tell you, that fucking movie looks so awesome!  I have always loved Zhang Yimou and his use of color.  You should check out Raise the Red Lantern, Shanghai Triad, and Ju Dou if you haven't seen them before.  They all are superb films.  Plus they all star the GORGEOUS Gong Li.  And it is about time that Hero was released in the States.  Miramax has had that thing on a shelf since late 2002!  I hope they don't cut it too much before they release it.