The boss called to let me know he was heading in. Hooray for warnings.
I picked out four PhD programs that look promising: UC Berkeley, US Davis, Stanford, and the University of Washington (U-Dub). These programs all take five years (give or take) and all seem really cool. The coolest ones are Berkeley and Davis. At those schools my Doctorate would be in Contemporary Performance (as opposed to, say, Theatre History or Theatre Criticism.) The program at Stanford is a Doctor of Philosophy, which sounds okay too.
Researching this makes me SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so fucking nervous and ready and jittery and... excited!