Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. —Henry Fielding

02 March 2004

Lonely is not the right word...

My mother called me this evening, and so did my brother, and my friend Madison, and my friend Jill, and my friend Kristen.  I am not really lonely, but I hate the telephone.  I prefer to spend real actual time with people I love.  I'm not really bored either.  I am excited about my interview on Friday (what to wear!), and I just finished Jane Campion's In the Cut. 

Wahima offered me a job today that I flat refused.  I just couldn't do it.  Politically the implications of that are just way too fucking bizarre.  And yet... to do it somewhere else would be fun.

I was thinking that I wish someone with cojones like Wahima would have been in a position of power at that school when I was there... except that that person was me.   Not that I want to be an actor again, because I don't, really, but there are things that I want to say that I cannot say as a director that I could possibly say as an actor. 

I once had a friend named Justin.  He is not my friend anymore and I miss him.  How very maudlin that looks on paper.

And so it isn't the right word.  Perhaps the correct word is "lacking."  Perhaps it would be accurate to say that something is missing.  Some hole somewhere like Stuart Little's empty space.  I want permanent friendships with lots of time together.  I want soulmates who want to be with me.  I want a lover and a friend and a teammate.  When Jai asks me what I want to do for my birthday, the truth is that I want my friends to love me.  I want them to know what I want to do for my birthday.  I want them to be willing to do things that I want to do.  I want them to give a good goddamn about me and my life and my dreams.  Jaime's calling me... I'll finish this later.