Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. —Henry Fielding

13 March 2004

Reasons Vanity Fair Rocks

This is from pages 256 & 258 of April's Vanity Fair.  It is by Henry Alford and it made me smile.

What if the Statue of Liberty wrote a tell-all autobiography?

Page 4: Liberty describes torrid evening spent with Trafalgar Square's Nelson's Column.

Page 17: Liberty says she's cross-addicted to OxyContin and Staten Island Ferry fumes.

Page 40: Liberty says she once "disappeared" an irritating Danish boy.

Page 67: Liberty calls her rival, the Grand Canyon, a "big ditch."

Page 124: Liberty writes that she'd give a million dollars for a muscle relaxant and dress shields.

Page 203: Liberty attributes her grim facial expression to "2.7 million visitors up my ying-yang."

What if homosexuality were an Olympic sport?

5:30am. Contestant shaves body for increased muscle presence.

7:07am. Commentator likens homosexuality event to rhythmic gymnastics inside a busy day spa.

9:49am. American competitor's floor exercises combine time-honored elements of Liza with a "Z," vacuuming.

11:13am. Disgruntled athlete describes Canadian judge's hair as "self-hating."

2:34pm. Judge awards Italian competitor extra points for complicated gushing-while-sneering maneuver.

4:50pm. All judging is suspended in favor of idle gossip.

What if your mail carrier were Samuel Beckett?

3:01pm. Beckett says Columbia House Records mailers are emblems of the futility of desire.

3:03pm. Building residents call sluggishness of Beckett sorting method "Waiting for the P.O."

3:15pm. Beckett's run-in with fellow mail carriers launches frenzy of epistemology and cross-talk.

3:20pm. Beckett returns all mail to sender in bold act of anti-theater.

3:32pm. Beckett says lost mail is a metaphor for a godless universe.

This magazine has so many good articles in it.  I await its arrival monthly.  This month: Harold Bloom, Dominick Dunn on Martha Stewart, and the 2004 Int'l Best Dressed List.  That George Wayne, though: he asks questions of these poor straight boys that make even me blush!  What a scandal.