This is from pages 256 & 258 of April's Vanity Fair. It is by Henry Alford and it made me smile.
What if the Statue of Liberty wrote a tell-all autobiography?
Page 4: Liberty describes torrid evening spent with Trafalgar Square's Nelson's Column.
Page 17: Liberty says she's cross-addicted to OxyContin and Staten Island Ferry fumes.
Page 40: Liberty says she once "disappeared" an irritating Danish boy.
Page 67: Liberty calls her rival, the Grand Canyon, a "big ditch."
Page 124: Liberty writes that she'd give a million dollars for a muscle relaxant and dress shields.
Page 203: Liberty attributes her grim facial expression to "2.7 million visitors up my ying-yang."
What if homosexuality were an Olympic sport?
5:30am. Contestant shaves body for increased muscle presence.
7:07am. Commentator likens homosexuality event to rhythmic gymnastics inside a busy day spa.
9:49am. American competitor's floor exercises combine time-honored elements of Liza with a "Z," vacuuming.
11:13am. Disgruntled athlete describes Canadian judge's hair as "self-hating."
2:34pm. Judge awards Italian competitor extra points for complicated gushing-while-sneering maneuver.
4:50pm. All judging is suspended in favor of idle gossip.
What if your mail carrier were Samuel Beckett?
3:01pm. Beckett says Columbia House Records mailers are emblems of the futility of desire.
3:03pm. Building residents call sluggishness of Beckett sorting method "Waiting for the P.O."
3:15pm. Beckett's run-in with fellow mail carriers launches frenzy of epistemology and cross-talk.
3:20pm. Beckett returns all mail to sender in bold act of anti-theater.
3:32pm. Beckett says lost mail is a metaphor for a godless universe.
This magazine has so many good articles in it. I await its arrival monthly. This month: Harold Bloom, Dominick Dunn on Martha Stewart, and the 2004 Int'l Best Dressed List. That George Wayne, though: he asks questions of these poor straight boys that make even me blush! What a scandal.